Series of Unfortunate Overhearings
by Silent Magi
Summary: Somethings you just don't want to hear... other things you wish you'd never heard. Let's follow the adventures of people that are overhearing things at the wrong time. Crack will abound. Main list found in the forum. Rated M for safety and sanity...
1. Chapter 1

Be sure to look at the forum I created on my account here, and add your own suggestions for the future.

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Over the years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, Harry Potter had thought he'd heard and seen everything. So when he was woken up by a female voice in Ron's bed screaming, "BLOODY HELL! I'VE GOT TITS!" he was notably calm and collective in his response.

He, and the rest of his dorm-mates all spilled out of their beds, sprawling out on the group. Many of which were tangled in their bed curtains.

All save one of them that is. One dorm-mate was still in their enclosed bed, and hadn't made a sound since the shout that had roused most of the tower, if not the entire school. It wasn't until Harry, by silent nomination as Ron's best friend, had nearly made it to the curtains to ask did the person inside speak again. "Bloody Hell! My boys are gone! I'm a girl!"

That sealed the decision for the brave, valiant, courageous Gryffindor boys did what any man facing the emasculation of their fellow would do... They ran like whipped puppies to McGonagall to tell her something was up with their friend Ronald.


	2. Chapter 2

Again, there's a forum for posting more that you'd like to see happen. Feel free to stop by and read through them...  


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After the morning of waking up to his best mate turning into a girl, and the subsequent chaos that ensued, Harry was almost thankful for Potions class. So good in fact, that he had agreed to go down early.

That is, he was until he made it within hearing distance of the dungeons, and Snape voice drifted up the stairs. "Today class, we learn the proper usage of gags..."

That halted Harry and his companion Hermione dead in their tracks. They looked at each other curiously and decided to investigate carefully, even as they heard snickers underscoring Snape's next line. "Our volunteer here will be gagged by me... note how no noise can escape now..."

The crack of something on flesh got their already peaked attention and forced them to crawl closer to the stairs leading to the dungeons. That's when they saw something that made them wish to forever burn out their retinas. Draco Malfoy, in high heels and a very skimpy dress was shackled to the wall. A bright red gag was in his mouth, and some sort of bar attached to his ankles was separating his feet by a yard. The part that got them the most was that he was bent over, with the dress pulled up onto his back, and Snape was paddling him with a studded leather paddle.

Before either of the demonstrators, or the attending Slytherin could spot them, they decided to skip class, and ran for the cleaning closets. Yep, scrubbing out their eyes with steel wool and bleach definitely sounded like a better idea to them right now.

Their retreat was chased by the sounds of more swats landing on flesh, and muffled moans and sobs from one gagged blonde.


	3. Chapter 3

After a trip to Dumbledore's office for a wonderful, suicide-preventing '_Obliviate_' Harry and Hermione decided to go get some late dinner. After all, trying to '_Scourgify_' ones mind did tend to get the teachers upset, and running from the people trying to stop them was hunger inducing work.

For some reason, Harry and Hermione couldn't remember why they were attempting to cleanse their minds in such a fashion, but they felt it must have been a pretty good reason. After all, it wouldn't make sense for them to have attempted it over nothing.

They also felt that it was best to avoid that memory, and the dungeons for a few days. But they couldn't fathom why.

They'd almost made it to the kitchen, when something they heard made their hearts sink. "We've ran out of food!" Even through the depression and worry that was filling them, they still pressed on. Mostly because they recognized the voice.

"But Fred... she... he... Ron's still hungry! You know how mum gets when she's upset and hungry..." the other voice they'd been expecting answered with a worried tone. "Mum'll get here in the morning Ronnie... just stay calm..."

Peeking into the kitchen, they found the twins piling the last scraps of food clinging to pots and pans onto a plate, before bringing it over to the bawling woman that was their former brother. When they finally caught sight of Ron, their eyes nearly leaped from their skulls. She'd grown in the day since she woke up the entire Gryffindor tower with her shrieking.

And judging by the way Hermione glanced down at her chest, and back at Ron's, it was pretty obvious that she was jealous. You see, Ron's body was used to processing vast amounts of food in ways that no one could predict, though this probably put Hermione's claims of a vortex in his stomach to rest.

Well her stomach... or... umm...

Moving on...

It would seem that her... his... Ron's body had processed all the extra nutrients and other matter in a way much akin to how a camel store excess water while traveling across the desert. Only her humps weren't on her back.

Harry decided to drag Hermione away before she did something stupid out of sheer jealousy fueled rage, let alone he do something out of hormonally induced stupidity. It was just as they were rounding the stairs on the main level that they heard some moaning and groaning coming from the dungeon stairs. For some reason this caused them both to turn on their heels and run as fast as they could back to the nice, safe, secure, and not mentally scarring seclusion of their dorms.

Halfway there, Hermione wondered if the Wizarding World even had psychologists, and if she and Harry could afford them.


	4. Chapter 4

A week after the encounter in the kitchens, Harry and Hermione finally felt secure enough of their mental health to go to the library and revise for the upcoming midterms. Despite the week in near total isolation, they were actually ahead of their classmates, and allowed some forgiveness for being ill. It was really nice that their head of house had even allowed them to use a couple of nice padded rooms at the very top of the tower. Very relaxing.

They'd gotten used to Ron being female almost as much as the person in question had. Meaning that pronoun usage was still a bit troubling.

They also agreed after the fifth attempt to gouge out their eyes with their own quills to not bother trying to remember what happened before they went to the kitchen that night. After all, they could just live happy, blissfully ignorant lives for now without the knowledge of what was happening.

As they made it to the library where the student population, and thus chances of relapsing, were down near zero, they came across Professor Snape and Madam Pince conversing over a stack of books. "Did you know that the protection wards on the school are fueled by draining the students' libidos?" Snape asked just as they arrived on scene, causing Hermione to freeze up, and Harry to look at her worriedly.

"Really? So that's how we haven't had any pregnancies since we started? But what about your dungeon courses?" Pince asked while pushing her glasses up on her nose. That sealed it for Harry, he had to get Hermione and himself out of there.

Unfortunately his feet didn't drag the two mentally scarred students far enough away. "Oh the activities there are fine... because it is between the same sex..."

"You mean..." Pince asked with a scandalized voice.

Harry could hear the smirk on the Potion Master's face as he answered. "Indeed... it seemed that when Lady Ravenclaw set up that particular ward, she made that specific loophole for a very personal reason..."

Thankfully by then Harry had gotten the two of them away from the library, and heading for the infirmary. It was fortunate that he knew the way there in his sleep, because his mind had long since shut down to prevent further damage being done to it. It seemed that he and Hermione would be getting obliviated again...

He only hoped that it would be done before the previous one broke.


	5. Chapter 5

"_HAHAHAHAHA_**HAHAHAHAHAHAH!" **The laughter rang out through the entire Gryffindor towers, sending shivers down the spines of every single last person that heard it. What really made it unnerving was the fact that there were two voices joined together in the demented laughter.

Many of the first years were wondering if it wasn't too late to ask for a transfer into another house. After all, it was only six hours since the welcoming feast... that meant there was still time right? RIGHT?

It seemed to have started during the middle of the feast, when Dumbledore stood up in the front of the assembled students to make an announcement. This surprised most of the students as it was already well into the actually eating portion, which was usually reserved exclusively for eating. "Will all students please form a neat, calm, orderly line out into the hall? We have just been informed of a group of dark wizards coming to assault the school."

It seemed as though he was serious, up until Harry Potter, the-boy-who-lived, started giggling like a school girl, and then he was joined by the rumored smartest girl at school, Hermione Granger. They were quickly escorted out by Professor McGonagall and Madam Pomfrey. All the rest of the students began to form their lines with their Prefects and marched off to their dorms, where their plates were waiting for them to finish eating.

Gryffindor tower seemed to have lost their appetites save one Ronda Weasley that even as they watched seemed to grow bigger in the chests with every bite. The laughter had been echoing through the entire tower for hours now, despite any and all silencing charms they might try placing.

Just as disturbing the laughter had been, the sudden stop was even worse. Everyone looked at each other, sleep deprivation already clouding their eyes, trying to figure out who had just stopped the horrid laughter that had been haunting them and keeping them awake into the wee hours of the morning. The answers came down the stairs in the forms of Harry Potter and Hermione Granger hiding shyly behind the headmaster and Professor McGonagall.

"I'd like for you to meet two new first years... Harry Potter and Hermione Granger..." Dumbledore stated as though nothing had happened for the past six hours. "They seem to have forgotten about the trip and anyone they met on the train ride over, so please welcome them warmly."

Most of the people that even pointing out just how flawed that was decided to save it for at least the morning so they could at least get some sleep tonight. If they had decided to obliviate Harry and Hermione to the point of their first years, then they really couldn't fault them... especially after the past six hours of hysterics.

Everyone else just decided to go to bed, and thus missed out on the headmaster's next words. "Due to the late hour, I believe that excusing the students from classes tomorrow would be acceptable."


	6. Chapter 6

The few months since their sorting into Hogwarts had passed by quickly for Harry and Hermione, especially with their older housemate Ronda Weasley helping them out with some of their classwork. When Ronda wasn't able to help them, they found that they almost instantly knew and understood the material given, no matter how much their classmates were struggling.

Speaking of classmates, it was odd that they were almost to a person six inches taller than any of them. Now that might have simply been because of their childhood growth, but they couldn't trace a single point of where that might be true. In fact when they tried to think back, they found that they were missing nearly a full three years of their lives, including the sorting feast this year.

Whenever they tried to explore that part of their memories, either Professor McGonagall or Professor Dumbledore would pop in and distract them. Which while made them curious about what they were missing, it also deterred them from delving too deep.

The biggest surprise came when they were both sent to Hermione's house over the Christmas break, and her parents were acting strangely around their daughter. Almost like they knew a secret that they couldn't tell her, or at the very least that they didn't want to tell her.

And so the Christmas passed with them doing their homework, and working ahead on some books that they found in the bottoms of their trunks. Must have been the headmaster, who had been very curious about their developing beyond what their current classmates were at. But he had explained that they were both gifted students, and should be monitored carefully.

And so they returned to Hogwarts with more knowledge than most of their classmates, and a deep curiosity on who was replacing the Alastor Moody as he'd been impaled upon a support stud during a DADA mishap, caused by Harry's frustration over the missing memories. The teachers said after several hours of work behind a curtain to remove him from the stud, that he'd not be returning to teaching, and that a replacement would be hired over the Christmas break.

It was when they got to the main hall and saw all the teachers waiting for them that they felt a growing sense of dread they couldn't explain. Harry in particular felt a burning suspicion about the man with a cowl drawn up over his head to hide his face.

"Welcome back to Hogwarts students!" Dumbledore announced proudly while the students took their seat for the return feast. "We are very happy to announce that despite the short notice, we have found a replacement Defense Against Dark Arts teacher, who should give all of you instruction just as good as Professor Moody, if not better."

With a wave of his hand, Dumbledore indicated the cowled man, who stood up in a smooth motion and lifted his hand to his cowl. "Please welcome your new Defense Against Dark Arts instructor... Tom Marvolo Riddle!"

Intermixed with the smattering of applauds, there was a curious sound that had most of Gryffindor table on edge. It started softly from one end were two friends had cloistered themselves away from most everyone else, since they seemed to stand out no matter what they did. But it steadily grew in volume and soon all of the Great Hall was filled with laughter of the most unhinged type.

"Oh dear... it seems that our little prank has backfired..." Dumbledore admitted while he and a few other professors moved to escort the two laughing students to the infirmary for a nice bit of mental cleansing. They couldn't figure out how, but somehow the obliviation work they had done, all became unraveled in the announcement of a single name. Meanwhile, back at the Great Hall, the only remaining professor stared at the doors in confusion.

Running a hand through his jet black hair after he had lowered the cowl he blinked his dark eyes in utter confusion. Stroking the black goatee he'd taken to growing over the past few years he pondered out loud, "Did I do something wrong?"


	7. Chapter 7

For the most part, Harry and Hermione had regained most of their mental capabilities after the sudden departure of Professor Riddle. The hunt was on for the new professor, but there was another matter that was far easier to attend to. To this end, Dumbledore stood at the front of the the Great Hall, speaking loudly, "It has come to the attention of the staff that we have been neglecting your physical health and well-being. And to that effect it is my pleasure to announce that we're going to be offering a mandatory health and fitness course instructed by the new professor... RICHARD SIMMONS!"

At the proclamation, thumping music filled the air and a skinny white man with a huge fro, and sparkly shirts over a pair of OH DEAR GOD WHERE ARE THEY short shorts. Harry felt some part of his brain cringe when the man winked at him playfully. Even as he watched, a magical force swelled from the bizarrely dressed man, washing over the students like a wave. "HELLO EVERYBODY! LET'S START SWEATIN' TO THE OLDIES!"

When Draco joined in behind Professor Simmons, wearing the exact same outfit, Harry felt a desperate need to take his spoon and gouge out his eyes. Several of the other guys at his table seemed to have similar thoughts on the matter, as they were clutching their spoons with white knuckles. They were denied their chance at self-inflicted blindness by an order from Dumbledore and the house elves removing the dinner.

After five minutes, Harry stood up, and unlike most of the others, marched straight out the Great Hall and to the special padded dorms he'd been given since his return to Hogwarts. It was a little troublesome to walk up and down all those stairs, but he felt safe in that little room at the very top of Gryffindor tower. The quiet giggles from Hermione's room alerted him to the fact his friend was already in her room.

Perhaps she would know of the best way to remove the images that were currently burning themselves onto his brain. He wasn't sure what was worst, Draco and Professor Simmons dressing exactly the same, or the fact that Crabbe and Goyle joined in moments later after only a slight pout from Malfoy.

Speaking of Malfoy, he was some kind of weirdo, always trying to pick a fight with him and Hermione, but his brain merely whispered the word paddle through his lips one day, and Malfoy shut up. In fact if Harry had to describe it, he'd have said the boy all but bowed at his feet groveling for mercy.

The only problem is that every time he tried to figure out what his mind had meant about paddles and Malfoy, it would slam up a wall to stop him from even trying to continue on... and for some reason Dumbledore would show up offering him some lemon drops. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy the sour candies, but he was quite frankly growing sick of them.

Settling down on his bed, he awaited the arrival of Dumbledore to check in on him. Somehow he knew that everything would be alright after the headmaster came, the urge to gouge out his eyes would recede, and Hermione would stop giggling like a madwoman again, and they could get on with their school life. As his eyes slid shut, he realized that there was a lot of instances in his memories where holes coincided with a Dumbledore visit. But he knew to poke around with those was to invite disaster.

He was perfectly fine with leaving the holes, so long as he remained sane and functional in the world of wizards. Though he would have liked to know why he tasted the color purple sometimes, and about those dreams of a strange snake man curled up in a fetal position clawing his eyes out.

Maybe he should talk to the Headmaster when he comes in later.


	8. Chapter 8

Surprisingly, Harry and Hermione managed to recover their sanity enough to prevent a need for another Obliviation, and learned to accept the fact that one of their teachers wore sparkly spandex short shorts, flirted with some of the boys, and was a eager for every aspect of life. It was still a bit disturbing if Harry was in the bathroom at the same time as he would come in and start his shouting, but he could deal with that.

So it wasn't unusual that the two of them would be found in the library, doing their homework a year in advance after short talks with their Professors. For some odd reason they felt out of place without something strange happening that they had to solve while pretending to be normal students. However, for the life of them they couldn't figure out why that would be.

It turned out that there had been a Tri-wizards tournament that was going on, that Harry was supposedly entered into illegally, but due to the loss of his memories, he'd been excused. So he was cheering for Cedric Diggory, as he was the Hogwarts Champion.

Today however there was a change in plans, Hermione and Harry had been told that the headmaster wanted to see them as soon as they made it to the common room. This was odd as Professor McGonagall wasn't mad, so it wasn't that they were in trouble or anything. Maybe they were finally ready to take the exams for second year, and start on their work for their third year. Hermione was really eager to learn about Ancient Runes and Arithmancy, while Harry wanted to avoid Muggle Studies and Divination for some reason; so he was taking those two as well.

At the top of the spiral staircase behind the Gargoyle, in a cloistered little office, the headmaster greeted them warmly. "Ah, Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, so good of you to come so promptly. Mr. Potter, last night I was informed that your godfather would like you to visit, and have arranged transport for your trip. Ms. Granger can accompany you if you wish."

"T...that would be fine sir... can I know his name?" Harry asked nervously, wondering if the man would like him. For some reason, he felt that he should know the man, but just couldn't figure out how.

"Hmm? Oh that's right, you wouldn't know..." Dumbledore mused before pulling out a dish of lemon drops. "His name is Sirius Black, and he was framed for the murder of your parents, however the Ministry refuses to accept any evidence to clear him."

Harry's face dropped at the mention of his parents, he'd been told how the Dark Lord Voldemort, formerly Tom Riddle, had killed them in order to get at him. And was now after him to return to life. Hermione, who had sat through it all with him, reached over and gave his hand a gentle squeeze. "I'd like to go with him Professor... how are we going to get there?"

"Fawkes has agreed to take you both, all you have to do is hold onto his legs and he'll flame teleport the two of you there, and in a few hours return to pick you up. Care for a lemon drop before you go?" Dumbledore offered, holding out the dish after having taken one of the candies for himself.

"What about breakfast sir?" Harry asked, remembering that Madam Pomfrey suggested that he should start eating more, and not skip any meals if he could avoid it.

"I'm sure you can have a nice relaxing meal there, they should be expecting you presently..." Dumbledore answered, still offering the confectionary to the students. As they finally declined, he nodded to Fawke that flitted over and settled on a shoulder of each of the students, before vanishing in a plume of flames.

Now there was several things that the two could have prepared for, but when they appeared in the middle of the living room with a black-haired bearded man leaning his head back as a scraggly brown-haired man leaned over his lap giving them quite a show as he said. "Come on Remus, stop polishing my wand already, you're chaffing it!"

"I know, but you're the one that wanted me to have a quickie before they got here Sirius..." Remus replied, dubbing the other as Harry's godfather. The two were so absorbed in their respective parts, that they didn't notice the two mentally scarred children's arrival, nor the departure of Fawkes.

At least they didn't until they heard twin thuds on the floor across the room from them. Two heads suddenly snapped in the direction of the young students, earning sheepish grins from the two men. "Well Mooney... I don't think that bone needs buried any more..."

"But if Molly finds out about this Padfoot... _we will_..." Remus answered sternly as he went over to make certain that his two ex-students were alright. "Obliviate now, or wait until they wake up and find out if they didn't do it themselves?"

"Let's wait... they've been blasted enough that we'd probably do more damage than good if we went mucking about..." Sirius offered nervously, looking around as though he expected the dread beast Molly to appear out of thin air and strike him down where he stood. "Umm... yeah, I'm going to go clean up... why don't you make them comfortable while I do that, and then I'll watch them as you clean up..."

"Go ahead..." the sandy-haired professor ordered with a heavy sigh as he transfigured a chair into a bed and levitated the two peacefully passed out teenagers onto it, creating a pillow wall between them. Just in case. No need to give them more mental trauma after all.


	9. Chapter 9

After waking up from their impromptu nap courtesy of two Marauders whom shall remain infamous, Harry and Hermione had a thoroughly enjoyable day with Harry's godfather, and his 'special' friend Remus Lupin. They had a nice lunch at a family restaurant down the street from 12 Grimmauld Place, that took Sirius in as his dog form and even served him like a real human. Apparently Remus and Sirius were regulars at this quaint little eatery.

The meal was excellent, as was the conversation, which covered a lot about Harry's parents during their school years, and how much they loved him. and after a while, how during the year of Harry's birth, they were the happiest couple on the planet. However there was one large problem with what they revealed that caused Harry and Hermione to realize just how much of their memories they were missing.

Harry was born in 1980... meaning that he should be in his fourth year at Hogwarts, not his first like he had been originally. This explained the accelerated rate at which he and Hermione were advancing through the years, but didn't explain why their memories were erased.

The pursuit of the memories was curtailed by some deeply rooted desire of theirs to not break down into gibbering idiots... but they couldn't for the life of them figure out why. Instead, after lunch, they went back to the house and continued talking about the Wizarding World and how Harry would be either joining them over the summer, or going back to the Grangers. Hermione of course was invited to visit anytime, with or without Harry in tow.

All too soon, it was time for them to go back to Hogwarts and get to bed so they could go to classes the next day.

What they never could have imagined was that they would be taking the Fawkes express into a war zone. No sooner had they arrived in the Headmaster's office, than the entire building shook from an explosion somewhere in the dungeons. They were about to try and plead with the phoenix to take them somewhere, ANYWHERE else, when Dumbledore burst into the room with McGonagall following shortly behind him, a strange Ravenclaw first year with her face hidden behind the cowl of a cloak, and carrying a large walking staff, being dragged along by her ear, which was currently pinched between the deputy headmistress's fingers.

"Merlina, may I ask what it was that you said to get the whole student body into such an uproar?" Dumbledore asked kindly while pulling out his lemon drop bowl, offering one to the professor and the student in question. At the refusal by both, he set the bowl down on his desk and settled in to his chair. None of the three noticing the two extra students and flame based bird watching the scene in mute surprise.

"I merely mentioned to that Malfoy idiot that my great-great-great... umm... great several times over, grandfather was part fae, that's all," Merlina answered while a hand reached inside her cloak's cowl presumably to rub the ear that had been pinched.

"And what exactly is wrong with that?" Minerva asked sternly with a deep frown etched on her face.

"Well maybe it was how I phrased it... See 'Merlin was part-fae you know...' seemed to tick off Malfoy after he claimed to be descended from Merlin..." the student offered quietly, still rubbing her sore ear. Apparently Minerva's pinching really hurt. "But that's stupid because I'm the only direct descendent Grandpa Merlin had!"

Hermione's gasp at the revealtion caused them to finally be spotted and recognized as extra ears to the conversation, and thus there was only one answer that the teachers could come up with.

The last thing they heard before darkness overtook them was, "Obliviate!"

Harry and Hermione found themselves in Dumbledore's office with the man, Professor McGonagall, and a strange first year Ravenclaw student wearing a cowled cloak and carrying a massive staff. "Ah, Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, good timing," Dumbledore started with a warm, kindly smile of a grandfather, "We were just about to head down to supper, would you care to join us?"

"Certainly Professor..." Harry answered, before his eyes drifted over towards the unknown student. "Umm... I'm sorry, I don't think we've met Miss..."

"Call me Merlina," the student answered before turning away from the two fourth years, "It's good to meet you Mister Potter... Miss Granger..."

"Call me Hermione," the brunette offered with a warm smile of her own, as Harry nodded his agreement. "He prefers Harry... I hope we can be friends..."

"I... I would like that..." Merlina offered shyly as she wrung her hands around the staff nervously, "But there are secrets about me that cannot be told to anyone..."

"I know all about that..." Harry grumbled while rubbing his scar warily. For some reason he felt like some sociopath was raving about the history books getting everything wrong, but decided against mentioning this to the people currently not thinking he was outright insane.

"Just so you know, there was an incident while you were away, and many students were harmed. Please be careful on your way down to the Great Hall," Dumbledore explained as he walked over to the door, and led the procession out of his office, with Minerva taking up the end of the line. As they walked, Harry and Hermione were appaled to see blast marks, blood stains, and more than a few piles of deification in their once pristine halls.

"The troublemakers currently have several months of detention to serve with Mr. Filch to clean up the results of their actions, I believe Hogwarts will be completely recovered by the end of the school year," Dumbledore explained, while he deftly led them around a pile of bricks that had once been the ceiling of this particular stretch of hall, before they arrived at their destination.

"Umm... Professor? Wh...what happened here?" Harry asked nervously, seeing the outline of a body's impact in the walls next to the doors.

"Hmm? Oh some students in Slytherin lost their temper and started a fight... Nothing to worry about..." Dumbledore answered while pushing open the doors that creaked and one nearly fell off its hinges. The sight of nearly all of the students being chained to the tables while eating, with the teachers patrolling left Harry and Hermione a little disturbed, especially when more than one teacher pointed their wands at them.

"They are not to be punished, as they were not involved," Dumbledore clarified as Harry and Hermione were led through the hall to the staff table, were an extra pair of seats awaited them, Merlina took her spot at the Ravenclaw table, and began eating after being chained down. "Now then, how was your visit with your godfather Mr. Potter?"

Dinner, needless to say was a bit awkward for Harry and Hermione, as they could feel the heated glares of the other students on their backs.


	10. Chapter 10

After a week, the lock-down on students during meals had been lifted, and that had been thirteen days ago. Harry mused about this as he read over his Care of Magical Creatures text while waiting for Professor Hagrid. It seemed that his life at Hogwarts was going to finally get back to normal, or at least what he thought was normal. Could it be normal if you didn't remember most of your life before a little over a month or so ago?

He would have to talk to Hermione about this, it was just confusing him to think about it.

Looking up to ask the girl in question, he noticed that the half-giant instructor was coming over from the castle. Taking a moment to tuck his book away, he smiled and waved at the instructor, which wasn't that hard to be noticed doing as one of the two students in this class. Apparently they were still between class levels, and couldn't join others. So instead of having the weekends off, they were taking extra classes.

Not that he minded having the extra workload, it seemed that he was replacing something else with the extra classes, and so he didn't see any problem with being in classes instead of hanging out. After all, it did get him away from that strange Malfoy fellow, that he wasn't sure about. He either wanted to make out, or fight... and frankly he didn't like either option.

Besides it was a nice sunny day out, and there wasn't much chill in the air. Something was off about their instructor, as well as the headmaster who was following behind closely. Once they arrived, Hagrid laughed warmly and patted Harry on the shoulder. "There ye be Professor, told ya they'd be safe."

"Quite..." Dumbledore added while stroking his beard and looking over the two students with their minds currently resembling cottage cheese from several Obliviations. "Now Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, there's no need to panic, but... there was an accident, and someone set loose a group of... I believe the muggle term for the species is..."

"Gremlins, sir." Hagrid supplied as Dumbledore drifted off in thought, "I was planning to bring them out this morning, get them euthanized... and found them gone when I got to the cage I had them in."

"Well, At least we have it under control... It's doubtful they can find a water source... during the day..." Dumbledore stated reassuringly as everyone looked over towards the lake. Thankfully, there was no plans to practice weather-creating charms or similar, or he'd not be so sure.

"AGUMENTI!" they heard a shout from the upper floors of Hogwarts, followed shortly after by another student calling out. "HEY! They seem to be hurt badly by the water! Hit 'em again!"

"Ah... perhaps it may be time to call in professionals..." Dumbledore mused as the screams started again. Preferably before nightfall.


	11. Chapter 11

It had been three days since the Gremlin population at the school had suddenly quintupled due to students misusing water spells, which actually turned out to be how the little hellions reproduced. In those three days students took to walking in groups of no less than ten, in hopes that they could at least outrun one member of said group.

The experts had cleared away most of the infestation, and using some sort of super-powered Lumos that lit up nearly every nook and cranny of the castle, in the first day. However, there had been a couple that had somehow managed to avoid the cleansing, one in horn-rimmed glasses, the other carrying a clipboard and just nodding at anything the other one said. Thankfully the second wave had been to use a special fog that coated them in a barrier to stop the water some students still shot at them.

So that's why Harry, Hermione, and a baker's dozen of other Gryffindor students were making their way towards DADA, while huddling together nervously. The group had just made it to the final hallway to their destination, when a soft guitar melody caused Hermione to stiffen up. Harry paused next to her and gave the brainy girl a curious look. "Hermione?" he asked, only for his words to be answered by a banjo strumming out a matching melody to the guitar.

"We have to get out of here Harry..." Hermione stated as she tugged on his arm, a few other muggle-born students working to get their house-mates to fall back. Harry decided that instead of questioning anything at this point, he turned and snatched Hermione's hand in his own before running full-tilt towards the nearest window, all the while the music picked up.

Whipping out his wand, he shouted, "ACCIO FIREBOLT!" before leaping through the open window and pulling Hermione into his arms, just in time for the screams to start. Thankfully he'd placed his broom next to the windows recently, that way it was waiting for him as he and Hermione leaped free. Letting gravity take them down to the central courtyard in the mid-day sun, the pair did their best to try and blot out the horrid sounds of their classmates, and the incessant pair of stringed instruments. "Hermione?"

"Dueling Banjos... it never ends well..." Hermione answered once she'd finished clutching the ground for dear life. "We... we have to find the professors."

Just as they were about to leave, a chunk of something red and meaty landed directly between them, still clutching a drawn wand. The pair looked at it in abject horror before turning as one and bolting for Dumbledore's office as fast as their legs could carry them. Harry forgetting about his broom entirely out of sheer terror.

Maybe it was time for another round of Obliviations.


	12. Chapter 12

Sorry for the delay folks, had a bit of a system problem today, and couldn't upload this earlier. Oh, and I meant to mention that starting last week, I will be updating on Wednesday any of my stories that I'm able to. I want to see if I can't uphold a weekly update, like I had back during Icha Icha: Animal Magnetism.

For now, enjoy the story.

* * *

"Dear students," Dumbledore started gravely as he addressed a broken and dispirited Great Hall over breakfast. It was hard to meet any of the haunted eyes that were staring back at him, but he still had to do so. "It pains me to announce this, but in the recent troubles it seems that we have lost some of the teaching staff, as well as several students. It's suspected that the students may well reappear, but, in most cases, the staff are well and truly gone. The most infamous of these incidents was the Muggle Studies professor proving that, as suspected, it is a bad idea to attempt to run off a moving staircase on the top floor..."

"Even if you're being chased by an unruly horde of demonic gremlins..." someone muttered loudly to the remaining members of the school population. The figure in question was wearing a beret, and had a well-trimmed beard.

"Myth busted," the younger man next to him stated in agreement, for the larger man to nod while stroking his mustache, "So are these our new test subj- err students Professor Dumbledore?"

"Yes, these will be your new students," Dumbledore answered with a shudder at the frank nature of how they dismissed someone doing something so lethal, before announcing, "Pupils, please welcome your new Muggle Studies professors, Jamie Hyneman Savage,"

As the muted applause died down, the one that had been indicated as Jamie stepped forward and addressed the students. "Thank you! Some of you may know us as the Mythbusters, so for those of you that don't... this will be an interesting year."

"These guys are like the muggle science equivalent of the Marauders..." Fred, or was it George, gushed, both boys sighing in happiness. No one really questioned how they knew about muggle celebrities, mostly since they figured if they knew about them, then they must have destroyed something huge.

Everyone was looking around nervously as the thought that the Weasley Twins knowing their new professors by reputation sunk in. There was just something terrible that permeated the air at that thought. "OK, Adam, what did you do?" Jamie was muttering as he noticed, for Adam to shrug.

Two students, however were reacting in very negative ways to this news. The first was a girl with messy brown hair that simply took out a sheet of parchment to start writing up a request for an insurance quote on Hogwarts. The other is a bespectacled boy with unruly black hair patting her lightly on the back and reminding her of the 'lovely plans for a fall-out shelter' they had apparently began working on.

"Say Professor Dumbledore? What's with those two?" Adam asked curiously as he pointed to the two students who were sitting a bit apart from everyone else already.

"Ah... that is Mr. Potter and Ms. Granger, I fear that they have had a rather bad series of experiences here at the school, I would not worry overly much about it however," the headmaster stated with a kindly smile and a twinkle of his eye.

"Oh, Good... Was worried they felt we were dangerous muggleborns who'd blow up the school..." Adam suggested while looking nervously around and adjusting his glasses, "Say, do you know what the cost of rebuilding the school would be if someone was to accidentally do that?"

"Seventy-five thousand galleons, with another thousand to get it started the next day," the aged wizard muttered darkly as though he'd had to review the costs of such an expenditure far too often recently. Jamie just took out a Gringotts Bank cheque book, and wrote out a cheque, handing it Dumbledore.

"I made it a round 100k to cover the legal fees," he stated sheepishly, pocketing the cheque book. Hermione worked harder on the request for insurance on the school, stressing in particular the library and all books. Jamie sighed heavily as he pulled Adam back from running off again. They needed this job after the 'accident' with Salem Academy, which got them temporarily banned from any job in America.

Who knew that being TV-series stars didn't pay as well as being magical school instructors? Or maybe it was the fact the insurance premiums on actually doing location shoots had got to the million-dollar level?

"Now then students, let us give our new instructors a warm welcome, and then tuck in to a filling and refreshing breakfast, hmm?" Dumbledore asked in a way to make it seem like an order. For no sooner had he said this than the food appeared in front of the students.

"I wonder..." Adam began, for Jamie to shoot him a glare. They wouldn't investigate it, well, until after they'd managed to actually last in the job for long enough to potentially retain a job outside of special effects...


	13. Chapter 13

"Good news students!" Dumbledore announced over lunch, where most of the student body was currently playing the part of a captive audience. There had been precious little for the students to consider good recently, and it seemed that every time Dumbledore opened his mouth there was some other sanity depleting phrase spewing forth.

"Due to the recent troubles, we have managed to shuffle around our teaching assets in what is hopefully a more beneficial manner for all students," Dumbledore continued, despite the groans of protest. "And we have opted to drop the class History of Magic."

The groaning died down, and was washed away by a few students cheering in the background. Apparently it was still a rather dull and lifeless class to warrant such a reaction, and that was without considering the teacher was dead. However, there seemed to be an odd anticipation to the silence from the rest of the students. Clearing his throat he decided to continue on, "As some of you are aware, Professor Snape was injured by the recent... activities... that have been going on, and is unable to teach..."

The cheers that drowned out his next words were deafening, and threatened to shake the already fragile castle to its foundation around their heads. Though if you were to ask most of the students, roughly three-fourths, would have claimed it worth the weeks in the infirmary to hear that news.

The wizened old man waited for the cheers to die down, wondering just what that rippling motion that had students throwing their hands up in sequence was all about. As the last of the cheering faded, he pressed on, "Now, due to budget constraints we are unable to hire a replacement until other positions are filled. However, one of your professors have volunteered to fill in for the interim."

In the back he could see two of his most worrisome cases look at each other in a panic and reach across the table to hold hands, as though fearing the worst. Although, the fact the two new professors he'd announced earlier had caused three minor explosions and had wiped out the, thankfully empty, History of Magic classroom with a fourth, probably meant nothing. They'd even paid for the repairs in cash.

"Now, as some of you may have found out, the History of Magic classroom is unavailable for use," Dumbledore pressed on, ignoring the slow, horrified shakes of the two students. He really should get them some professional help, but being as one was a major celebrity in the Wizarding World, he would have to rely on a muggle. However, due to the Statute of Secrecy he couldn't just go to a muggle doctor and hire them. Currently he was on the trail of a few muggleborns that might have siblings in the profession of mental healing. Putting that off for now, he finished up with his grand announcement. "It pleases me to announce that your potions professor will now be... Professor Binns."

The expected cheers never came, not even so much as a soft clap. Instead there was the sound of two bodies hitting the floor, followed by a few students asking themselves how he'd check the potions were correctly made. However, what surprised the venerable headmaster was that the two students he'd been worried about instead simply stood up and walked away.


	14. Chapter 14

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with more.

* * *

Harry looked at the dwindling number of students with a mixture of horror, revulsion, and pride. The horror was that there was only thirty percent of the total student body able to attend the meal in the great hall, the rest being in the infirmary with burns, cuts, broken bones, and in one case animalification. No one could quite figure out how Draco managed to turn himself into a talking ermine but he was currently being studied under intense observation by some of the top magical accident researchers in all of Magical Britain. It seems that the three days since Professor Binns took over for Potions had been rather eventful.

The revulsion came in that the entire staff table seemed blissfully ignorant that nearly three-quarters of the student body was in dire need of medical care. Of course they didn't really care about the students, they're safe as the professors. Especially under the manipulations of that man, that evil, glittering eyed old coot that continued to throw away the health and sanity of the students nearly as fast as he sucked down those damnable lemon drops of his. Harry didn't know where this loathing of the grandfatherly man that had saved him from his relatives was coming from, but for some reason it just felt right. And made him want to taste purple again, purple was such a happy color to taste, unlike orange or red.

Where was he? Oh yes, pride. He had great pride in his house having the fewest number of student absent. This was in part due to their years of having to avoid potion 'accidents' at the hands of Professor Snape over the years. They learned how to duck, dodge, and various other life and body saving maneuvers as a simple matter of course. Thanks to those very same actions, Harry could now formulate the greatest plan he and Hermione had ever came up with.

They were going to escape, they were going to get away from the insanity of Hogwarts, by never accepting those damnable letters. They were going to go into the past and send out letters to the schools in the Americas, the Common-wealths, Eastern Asia, and any other schools they could find to avoid coming to Hogwarts ever again.

With a happy smile plastered on his face, he turned to look at Hermione, taking what might very well be her only break of the day. She was so close to a breakthrough that they both could almost taste it. "Hermione... I know we probably will never want to remember our lives here, and the crumbling walls of the Obliviation spells on our minds aren't going to keep the nightmares at bay forever, but I just want you to know one thing. You are my best friend, and I can't think of anyone I'd rather have by my side during these times."

Anything Hermione might have said was cut off by the the aged old coot creaking his way to a standing position, before clearing his throat to address the students as a whole while his eyes twinkled behind his half-moon glasses. "Students, I received rather wonderful news from an associate of mine in the United States. It seems that one of their wizards is looking to begin teaching, and has all the qualifications we're looking for in a Defence Against Dark Arts professor."

At the smattering of applause, there was a new cry from a set of twins on how long he would last. However, it was the fact that it was the Patil twins and not the Weasley twins that caused the heads to turn, up until the Weasley twins unveiled their 'How Potter Will Kill Them' board. For the life of him, he could help but feel that it was justified, even if he only remembered killing one of the professors. But that was a complete and utter accident. How was he to know that the man was running at his back, attempting to sacrifice his student to sate the Gremlin's thirst for mayhem and murder?

Alright, so maybe it was the small fact that the mirror showed him the teacher approaching him from behind at the top of the stairs. And maybe he might have shot him with a stunner or twelve before sending him falling to his doom. But Professor Riddle had always insisted that his students know that the number one rule of combat is that there is no kill like overkill.

Ah, memories that were still somewhat coherent in his brain.

"So it is with great pleasure that I ask you to welcome your new Defense Against Dark Arts professor..." Dumbledore concluded a lengthy, boring speech as a man with short cropped grey hair and round glasses stood up at the end of the staff table. "Professor Ben Stein."

"Thank you Professor Dumbledore," the man started with a dry, dull, monotone, "I hope that this will be a rewarding and enriching experience for all the students and myself as we-"

A part of Harry's mind tuned out the man, shutting down to prevent sleep from overcoming him with a fierce passion of a slamming mallet to the back of his skull. If he had the full working capabilities of his mind, he might have recognized it as the part he listened to while surviving Professor Binns' Potions lessons. However, he simply turned to look at Hermione and tilted his head with a hopeful smile. "So... progress?"

"Yes, lots of progress, in fact I'm just having a light meal before getting back to it..." Hermione gushed out while the new professor continued to drone on and on. "Why don't you help me look into my latest thread of research?"

"Sounds wonderful... think we can be gone before our first class with him?" Harry asked hopefully as the droning continued to fill the air like like the soothing lullaby hum of a thousand bees. Maybe they should just make the run now, get away from him before he puts the surviving students to sleep. Looking down the table, he spotted at least five students that were drooping off to slumber land, while their neighbors kept elbowing them.

"Yes... it's a fairly simple spell, we can start researching it after a light meal... some coffee would be wonderful..." Hermione offered helpfully, even as she fought a yawn herself.

Yes, they had to get out of here fast, or there'd be no student left alive.


	15. Chapter 15

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Harry nervously paced the hallway outside of the library, trying to figure out what to do now that Hermione had kicked him out of the library for being a little bit more useless than a rock. He honestly thought he had been helping when he asked those questions discrediting one of the ways to get out of their current situation.

Time loops would just repeat the same events over again, which is something they wanted to avoid. Trans-dimensional shifting meant that they would just trade places with other versions of themselves, meaning they would suffer new torments and the other versions would take their places in this living hell. That was unacceptable as well.

Apparently poking holes in the 'simple spells' was not something that Hermione wanted in a research assistant. so instead he was out here in the hall trying to keep from going into another psychotic episode. After the fiftieth pass, Harry was stopped by a three-foot tall brownish-orange bear with a big pink outlined red heart on its stomach. "Excuse me, could you help me?"

"I... I guess..." Harry answered, seeing several bears in every color of the rainbow, with various emblems on their stomachs.

"Oh sorry, I'm Tenderheart Bear, and we're the Care Bears, we're looking for a client that has been sadly overdue for several years," the bear Harry could only guess was their leader clarified as he... she... it held up a picture of a young black-haired boy with a sour expression on his face. "Could you tell me where Severus Snape is?"

Harry blinked slowly before pointing over his shoulder as he spoke uncertainly, "Last I heard, he was in the infirmary due to some recent troubles we've been having around here. You're not going to hurt him, are you?"

It wasn't that he didn't want Snape to suffer, but he knew that the if Snape was hurt while in the infirmary, his help finding him would no doubt be tracked down. Fortunately the bears all let out a laugh and shook their heads merrily. Tenderheart patted him on the hip and answered, "Not in the least, we don't hurt people. We help them by showing them the power of caring."

"Oh... um... good luck with that..." Harry offered waving as they all walked off with soft padding. After a few minutes he sensed someone standing next to him. Turning around, he found Hermione smiling at him. "Did you see them?"

"The three-foot tall walking teddy bears?" the bushy-haired girl asked with a bemused smile on her face. "Half the surviving students did as well... As well as most of the paintings in the area."

"They're here to see Snape..." Harry offered lamely as he wondered if this would be a round of obliviates for all the students that survived the school's latest attempts to slaughter them all.

"Oh..." the other mentally reset student stated lamely as she pulled up her notes. "I found a solution... we should get to our rooms before they make it to the infirmary."

"Why?"

"Trust me..." Hermione insisted as she pulled Harry along the hallway in a rush. Harry decided against questioning her, and started running along the hallway towards the tower which held their nice padded rooms.

Just as they made the final hallway, a bright flash of multi-hued light filled the entire area, stopping them in their tracks just as shouted words filled the air. "CARE BEARS! STARE!"

"They must have used their maximum power on that one..." Hermione stated as she pulled Harry along again. "Let's just avoid Professor Snape for a while, shall we?"

"Do I want to know?"

". . . You will see..."


	16. Chapter 16

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

Warning: Disturbing images ahead, Brain Bleach has been made available to no-one reading this.

* * *

Harry blinked slowly as he and Hermione walked down the hallway towards the infirmary, for some odd reason he couldn't help but feel out of place doing what he was about to do. He was just visiting Professor Snape at the insistence of Hermione, something about having to see him after turning the Care Bears on him. When asked why, considering that there was several others in the infirmary, she'd just repeat that he'd see before giving him a strange smile and giggling.

It was one of those little things about her that he enjoyed after all, for usually it meant that the both of them were going to be spending a lot of time trying to forget whatever was about to happen. At least this way he had a warning, not that he could remember a time without one before, it's just that having the warning meant that he had time to write down what assignments were due and where in his trunk he had hidden them.

Certainly a way to keep in the good graces of his teachers, even if he wasn't going to be sticking around to finish out the year with them. Besides that, it was the polite thing to do.

Yet he couldn't shake this feeling of unease about not only visiting Professor Snape, but also visiting someone in the infirmary.

Getting to the final hallway, he paused as he noticed something that he'd never seen before. "Hermione... is that a gift shop?"

"It's probably for people visiting the sick and injured, since we can't just go get stuff after all," Hermione rationalized as they wandered over to the brightly lit offshoot of the main hallway. There were several meters of various floral designs, mountains of all sorts of candy, stuffed animals, and even an entire wall covered in cards, gift wrap, and a wrapping station.

The two were browsing for a few minutes before a house elf popped into view with a huge smile on his face. "Welcome to the Gift Shop, I is Santy, may Santy helps yous?"

"Err, we're looking for some flowers or something for someone in the infirmary..." Harry offered while trying to peel Hermione off the ceiling. Their survival instincts to avoid anything that popped into existence suddenly, seemed to be going into overdrive for the poor girl since the gremlin incident.

"Oh yes! Santy be helpings with that!" Santy stated cheerfully, before another elf popped into view and began whispering into her ear. When the second elf vanished, so did most of the hallway. "Santy be sorry, she not know that your friend not be Harry Potter."

"That's... alright..." Harry offered with an odd look on his face as he looked around the suddenly dimmer and far emptier hallway. "It would be a bit odd to visit myself..."

"Santy has seen it happened Mister Harry Potter sir," Santy offered as she began poking through the flowers that remained. "Who be yous looking for?"

"Professor Snape," Hermione offered softly as she finally pried herself off the ceiling, though the house elves that cleaned would have to get her dermal ridges scoured off next time. As the name filtered into Santy's brain, she began plucking lilies and petunias from the selection.

After a good dozen had been gathered, she held them up for the students to inspect. "These be Proffessor Sevvy's favorites. He is sad to not get many visitors, please stay for a while."

"Sure thing Santy, thanks a lot..." Harry answered, pulling out a pouch of coins and handing over the coins until Santy stopped him. In the end he ended up spending three sickles and a knut. Turning away, they made for the infirmary again, reaching it with no other detours. What awaited them on the other side was a vision that nothing upon the face of the Earth could have prepared them for.

There in the bed farthest from the door was the very man that they were supposed to be visiting. At least he was the closest thing they could guess that was him. Instead of the oily hair laying flat, the man had ringlets that reminded both of them of the old child actress Shirley Temple before they started using color in her films.

Speaking of color, the monochromatic black robes were replaced by a frilly, lacy set of pink and blue robes that not only hurt they eyes, but made Harry question if the Professor hadn't been shopping with some guy named Gilderoy Lockhart. For the life of him, he couldn't think of where the name had come from, other than the possibility that it is during what he'd come to label as the 'Forgotten Years'. And experience had shown him that not remembering that time frame was far better for his continued mental health.

"Oh Mister Potter! Miss Granger! So good to have visitors," the formerly greasy git called out in a sing-song voice as he waved them over. Noting that despite the vast majority of the student body being injured, the infirmary was oddly empty cause a small bubble of worry to form in his gut. "Hermione..."

"We're here, he's spotted us, we can't run now..." Hermione answered in a nervous voice of her own. Despite their brains and gut instincts screaming that they should bravely run away as fast as possible from the man in the infirmary, like true Gryffindors.

Harry smiled sheepishly at the potions master and held out the bouquet of flowers. "We thought you could use some company sir..."

"Oh Harry, they're wonderful!" Snape proclaimed as he scooped up the flowers and began arranging them in an empty vase on his beside table. "Lilies and petunias... like your mother and her sister... my first two loves..."

"Excuse me?" Harry asked, his brain slipping a gear at this revelation.

"Oh yes, growing up I was quite enamored with both of the Evans girls, however it was Lily that won out because of her kindness and good heart. Your aunt sadly let her jealousy gain control over her, and we fell out," Snape explained as he entwined the stems of a lily and a petunia together. "Did anyone ever tell you that you have your mother's eyes? I dare say I can see some of her intelligence and spitfire attitude in you Mr. Potter..."

"Yes sir..." Harry answered once again off-guard, having had that mentioned once or twice, though he couldn't remember where.

Snape played with the flowers a few beats before he continued with a soft chuckle, "I was a real bully to you, wasn't I? I suppose when I saw her eyes on you, that I wanted to see her shining through more than James... I do hope you can forgive me."

"Erm... that's alright sir, I'm sure you had my best at heart..." Harry offered lamely as Hermione began edging away from the bed slowly. Something wasn't right about this, and it certainly didn't seem like it would be good for the two mind wiped students.

Snape sighed and shook his head sadly, though the smile barely retreated from his face. "If but that were true Mis- Harry... sadly I was a petty and vengeful wizard when I found you didn't mean my expectations," Snape answered quietly as he rubbed the petals of the flowers he'd been playing with. "See, I believed that you were James' last act of spite against me. Despite him not even knowing I would become a professor when he died... but seeing your mother's eyes failing at something she would have known in a heartbeat was too much. Then I could not bring myself to give you a second chance, I hope you and your mother can find it in your hearts to forgive me..."

"Yes sir... I believe both of us can do that if you really have changed..." Harry offered while trying to get out of the man's gaze behind the retreating Hermione.

"I love you Harry Potter," Snape stated calmly as he sniffed a flower.

Harry didn't answer directly, instead he simply collapsed as his brain shut down to prevent further damage. Thankfully his bushy haired friend was there to drag him out of the hospital wing before Madam Pomfrey could find him a nice bed.

However it was the next line that ensured that Hermione would be joining Harry in a good mental cleaning. After all it wasn't everyday that one heard their professor state dreamily to the air, "Someday you and your little friend Miss Granger ought to join me in my office... I could show you how much I love you both..."


	17. Chapter 17

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

Special note: Took two off the list in this chapter.

* * *

"Welcome to Muggle Studies. My name's Adam Savage and this is Jamie Hyneman!" The shorter of the two men proclaimed happily, as Hermione looked at the book in front of her worriedly. Especially the 'Revised by Adam Savage' part. It was a good inch thicker than the original version.

"It is important to note that most of what you'll learn in this class is illegal in the muggle world... so let's get to those fun parts first!" Adam continued happily as he pulled out the teacher's copy of the book.

"Now wait Adam, first we should ensure that the students are properly informed of the safety rules," Jamie corrected as he pulled down a large diagram of people getting maimed, injured, or blown up. "Now, let us review..."

Half an hour later, several of the students were looking decidedly green in the face as they looked at anything except the diagrams. "Any questions?"

"Why did Professor Savage keep saying, 'Ignore that one', 'That one's pointless' and 'Must take that one out'?" Hermione asked tentatively, despite Harry shaking his head and waving his hands in a warning fashion.

Thankfully Adam solved the problem by speaking above Jamie's answer, "Alright students, let's begin our lesson of the day. Today's Muggle Studies Lesson... The Anarchist Cookbook, which I've added a few recipes to."

"Adam, you rewrote the entire chapter on making a fertilizer bomb because of our experiences with them." Jamie pointed out dryly, as he settled into his seat. "I'd like to remind you not to attempt anything you're about to see Adam do outside of class."

"But how will they do their homework then?" Adam asked innocently. Harry motioned to Hermione, and they started checking for the fastest exit.

"By doing it the right way," Jamie countered sternly as he frowned deeply. "We don't want a repeat of Salem, do we?"

"OK, can anyone tell me the safe way to disarm a landmine?" Adam asked cheekily, causing Jamie to slap his forehead in frustration. These two actions caused nearly all the other muggleborn students to inspect the fastest exit routes from their current seats.

"You simply use a Incendio spell from a safe distance," One of the Slytherins declared as if he was a expert, "Destroys the mine, and you're not hurt."

"Close, it's better to use an impact spell, since some mines are fire proof... take this beauty for example..." Adam stated as he pulled out a large metal pressure plate. "Meet the tank killer."

Every muggleborn student in the room ducked under their desks, while Jamie erected a shielding charm for himself. A couple of the half-blood students also sought the relative safety of under their desks, while the rest looked on in confusion. "Don't worry, this one is a dud. The fuse and explosives have been removed."

"Adam, where are the fuse and explosives?" Jamie asked curiously, "I just need to check."

"I couldn't bring them along past customs in America..." Adam answered like a petulant child being denied his favorite dessert.

"And what were those 'potions ingredients' you were working with earlier?" Jamie asked, "I recognised the look of some of them... sulphur for example..."

"Just a bit of sulphur, potassium, and oxidized metals..." Adam answered innocently, so much so that many students would swear there was a halo forming over his head, "Was hoping for them to mix up something with them for homework."

". . . Fine, but only in the potions labs off the common rooms..." Jamie answered firmly before getting a note from thin air. After reading it, he sighed heavily and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Fine, after they clean out the labs off the common rooms, then they can use them."

For the first time in her scholastic career, Hermione Granger was contemplating not doing her homework as assigned by her professors. After everything that had happened at Hogwarts, it seemed as though she had developed a sense of when things were just asking for trouble. The very mention of homework for this class were setting her feelings aflame with panic and worry. The fact that Harry seemed ready to blast a hole through the wall they were sitting against did very little to calm her nerves.

The mere fact that professor Savage started off the assigning of the homework with a warning, "Remember to stand at least six feet away when firing your incendio spell," did nothing to dispel her worries. Of course that was when a little blond poofter in the Slytherin green had to open his mouth.

"What a waste of time! This is basic potions, not muggle studies," Draco whined like a little bitch. At least he wasn't trying to molest Harry again, or was that what he thought constituted fighting? It was getting rather hard to tell with how he was acting most of the time, and there seemed to be something in the blocked parts of her memory that supported the theory he wasn't entirely straight.

"Right, come to the front of the class if you think you know better." Adam said, smiling as he got a set of bottles of various materials out of a magically enlarged bag, placing a cauldron in front of them. "Let's run a little experiment..."

As Draco approached, the teacher mixed together measured amounts of the various ingredients in the cauldron carefully, and then cast a Incendio spell into it, causing a small explosion to issue from the top. He then banished the remains of the contents. "Now, I am a muggleborn. Since he's a Slytherin, I see him as probably being a pureblood. Now, all I need for you to do is do the same as I did. The recipe is on Page 15."

A couple minutes later, a heaping pile of grayish-black grainy powder buldged out of the top of the cauldron. The two professors both took a rather large step away from the cauldron, while all the muggle-born students, and most of the half-bloods found themselves hiding behind the desks to the furthest back of the classroom, with several shielding spells being raised on the other side of the minor protective barrier.

"INCENDIO!" Draco announced, then there was a earth-shaking explosion, the teachers coughing as the smoke obscured what had been their desk. Thankfully a new hole in the wall allowed the smoke to filter out so that the students didn't suffocate.

"Do you want to say it, Jamie?" Adam asked, a few of the students wondering what he meant.

"Team Malfoy is blasting off again?" Jamie asked as he watched the shrinking form of their former student fading into the sky.

"No, wrong catchphrase for this moment," Adam declared, "Myth that Purebloods are smarter than mudbloods? I call it completely busted."

"Oh that's been busted for years, this is just confirmation of the previous research," Jamie answered as he looked out the hole in the wall. "Do you think we can get off with a warning on this one?"

"NOW WAIT A MINUTE!" one of the Slytherin cohorts that sat next to Draco, and somehow survived, shouted as he stood and started towards the professors. "How can you say that about Purebloods? Do you not see how we are magically superior to those filthy mud-?"

"Silencio!" Adam snapped, firing the spell off at the Slytherin, who failed to notice he wasn't making noises anymore, "I think we went to a whole new level of busting here."

"Oh yes, this completely and utterly busted the myth." Jamie agreed, as he read the student's lips. "I think 100 points from Slytherin for... make that 200 for crude language Adam."

"I don't think I can do that with a troll really, Jamie... Make it 500 for some of the things he's saying about us... Even if I do agree that our last employers gave us a free pass to commit ourselves," Adam said, reading the student's lips as well.

In one of the furthest corners, there came a soft sound. At first most thought it was the two students crying, until the creeping feeling of dread trickled down their spines and they noticed exactly who the students were. No, tears would have been very much welcomed from these two students. Laughter only meant two things. The first was that something horrible was happening. The second was that Professor Dumbledore was going to arrive soon to take care of the problem.

"Now, students, please note what happened when Draco mixed too much of the ingredients, and please, please, please..." Jamie started, only to trail off for a moment to look at the two clearly mentally damaged students in the back of the classroom, "I abhor you to follow the instructions of your homework, or there WILL be a worse accident."

"Jamie? I'm thinking of a new myth to bust..." Adam stated while watching the Slytherin continue on his rant without stopping for breath. As he was about to continue, the class mostly left as if worried about what the next myth would be. Adam simply smirked to himself as he stunned the ranting student, the sound of insane laughter filling the room as he stated two simple words. "Myth. Confirmed."


	18. Chapter 18

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

Special note: Thanks to the twofer last week, we'll be taking a short trip outside the hall of Hogwarts, and visit upon those few who happened to escape the current chaos.

* * *

At the household of the Dursley's the two adults were enjoying a lovely repast, which meant for Vernon he was wolfing down an entire roasted chicken, roasted baby potatoes, and as few vegetables as he could manage, while Petunia had a simple lightly seasoned chicken breast, with a side salad.

Instead of dirtying the dining room table, they partook their meal in the favorite room of the male members of the Dursley lineage, the living room. On the telly was coverage of the ongoing damage from the earthquakes in Los Angeles. Ones which they were both more than willing to blame on the freaks over there.

Vernon nearly choked on a chunk of chicken as he chuckled to himself, imagining how those freaks would have caused it all. Probably one of those red-haired idiots trying to figure out how a fork worked, or something like that. As his wife patted his back to help clear the offending piece of poultry, he would blame his nephew for it.

That is another story however, besides we don't want to go into how he would die a week later after starting his doctor's diet to help him lose weight. It was the first recorded death by choking on a lettuce leaf. After his death, his surviving widow discovered that he had been embezzling funds from Grunning's. Since the company decided not to press charges, and gave her a substantial reward for her services, she decided it was finally time to make her big move. She would leave Dudley at Smeltings, and she was sure that Harry could manage in the Wizarding World now that he was fourteen. Petunia Dursley took nearly a half-million pounds and moved to Jamaca, where she met a cute local man who would become her 'pool boy' at her house.

Speaking of Dudley, let's take a look in at the fine young man being educated at Smeltings, and the rotund blubbery whale of a boy that was bullying him. It would seem however that Dudley made a poor choice of targets today, as before he could turn around from shoving the boy, the sound of a revolver cocking directly behind his head filled his ears.

For you see, it was one thing to pick on your weaker, defenseless cousin whom your parents thought was trash. It was quite another to try and bully the son of some duke who was five-hundred and fifty-third in line to be king... or something like that. When the 'fine, young man" stood up and dusted himself off. He dipped his head to the bodyguard that was currently pointing a large calibre pistol at his classmates head and then picked up his cane.

It was quite the learning experience for Dudley to be the helpless victim for once, a lesson that would be all the more reinforced when he found out that he was going to be staying at the boarding school for a few more months every year in a few weeks, since his mother wouldn't be sending him tickets to join her in Jamaca.

Now, some of you may be wondering what happened to Draco Malfoy after he was blown out of Hogwarts. Well apparently being magical makes you fly greater distances than expected when blown away. If anyone were to ask a muggle-raised witch or wizard, they could draw a link between this phenomenon and action movies.

This little factoid would serve no purpose to Draco as he continued sailing north through the air however, seeing as after the first five minutes of screaming and wetting his pants, the young boy had settled in to a quiet whimper and 'enjoying' the ride. Mercy and gravity seemed to finally have worked out a compromise as his arc began to decrease. Unfortunately for him, he was flying directly towards a rather impressive and ornate building on the frozen tundra below. The last thing he would remember before waking up was hoping that he hit a skylight and there'd be a soft landing zone on the other side.

When he awoke next, he found a rather large man wearing a red suit and a bushy white beard hovering over him. It is sad to note that Malfoy's brain had always lagged behind his mouth for ages now, and when he insulted the man, he was dragged out of bed and given small green clothing to wear.

A tour of the damaged area, with a lot of glass shards sticking out of stuffed animals and other damage done to the plush creatures, let him know exactly what his little foray into defying gravity had done. When he was led to a strange moving stretch of fabric and told to have a seat, his initial reaction was to protest, which was met by a jolly sounding laugh, a punch to his stomach and a firm hand setting him down.

Once he recovered his breath enough to speak, he was surprised to find a piece of silver material covering his mouth, two shackles with chains preventing him from removing it, and more of that silver material strapping him down to the stool. It would seem that he was going to be here a while.

As the man with the bushy white beard walked away, twirling a roll of duct tape around his finger, he wondered if there was any more naughty children coming his way. After all, his 'elf' workforce was running low, and he really did need to resupply.

After all, the Christmas rush was just about to start...


	19. Chapter 19

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Ronda was having a horrible day, first she found out that her mother had thrown out all of her Chuddley Cannons stuff, and decorated her room in froo-froo pink. Then her friends were still up in their special rooms, giggling their brains out. After that, all the boys of Hogwarts kept staring at her breasts, which seemed to get larger every time she ate anything. It just wasn't fair! She'd already gone through ten different bras, and she hadn't been a girl for that long.

She was actually larger than most of the girls in the upper grades, a fact that had caused so many cruel comments and teasing. It wasn't fair! She didn't ask for these stupid huge breasts, that hurt her back. She didn't ask to be a girl in the first place, sure it was fun looking in the mirror, but after a while the thrill and joy of it just went away. In it's place was a strange sense of loathing and dread at seeing just how big she'd gotten again.

It had gotten so bad, that she could barely eat a full plate of food before wanting to break down in tears, and it felt like noone understood. It just completely and utterly sucked! And as she walked towards the Great Hall to try and eat some dinner, she found herself staring into the deranged eyes of none other than the castle caretaker Arugs Filch. Preparing for the detention for something as stupid as walking along the halls, she met his gaze with her own dry one.

What happened next, there was nothing on the face of the planet that could have prepared her for. "HAVE YOU SEEN MY PUSSY?" the disgusting old squib shouted in her face, while searching around her frantically. "Here pussy! Come on pussy, come out!"

Backing away from him as fast as she could manage, she watched as he continued calling out for his pussy. Suddenly the mental image of a naked Filch spread over a couch, with her nether region parted wide open and the other hand beckoning her forward to see her pussy burned itself into her mind.

Sadly for her, she didn't hear the next part over the banging of her head against the rock wall of the school. After all, Argus explaining to some poor soul that Mrs. Norris had gone missing again would have saved her a lot of pain and mental function loss.

She had almost gotten through the wall by the time the teachers arrived to stun her, and put her in the queue for obliviation. Normally it would be a voluntary procedure, but sometimes these matters required direct intervention. First they would have to learn what was causing this self-destructive behavior, and so until they could determine the source, they simply put Ronda in a newly constructed padded room, right next to her friends.

Oh the poor golden trio, how the mighty have fallen.


	20. Chapter 20

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Due to circumstances beyond my control, this week's update is a little late... but next week's is going to be very interesting... and musical.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

It looked like it might be time for Argus Filch to take a vacation from his duties as the caretaker of the school, especially after his little quest to hunt down his beloved pet sent several students to the infirmary with concussions from where they smashed their own heads against the wall in order to erase the memory. However, finding a replacement for him was proving difficult. Most wizards and witches found cleaning to be beneath them, and those that didn't wanted to always use magic, when most of the cleaning needed to be done by muggle means so as to not disrupt the castle's wards.

The pool of Squibs that would be suitable to help out was proving terribly slim as well. None of them seemed to want to work with the precious students in order to ensure that Hogwarts was always a clean, inviting place to learn magic. Albus Dumbledore was just about to review the only application that he had gotten all day when his door burst inward and Filch ran in wearing a white wedding gown.

"OH ALBI! I LOVE YOU! MARRY ME!" the caretaker cried out while flinging his arms around Albus and giving him a passionate kiss on the lips through the beard.

Albus reacted in a perfectly normal fashion. He stunned the obviously deranged man, stamped his approval on the application, and proceeded to carry Argus to the infirmary to get looked at. After all, it wouldn't do to have his husband to be carrying around some silly diseases or anything like that.

After all, he hadn't been keeping the man on staff for his cleaning abilities, he was quite the catch, and it had only taken him fifty-three years to see Dumbledore's way of thinking.


	21. Chapter 21

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

No this isn't going to be a musical story/songfic, but I just had to include this.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

_"And so it seemed that fortune had smiled on Harry and Hermione and that they had found the method to escape that their plight required._

_. . . _

_Or had they?"_

Harry peered around the corner of the hallway nervously, having given up using the mirror provided by Hermione a while ago due to the shaking of his hands. The two of them were soaking wet thanks to a certain poltergeist, who would get the hexing of his afterlife if they could ever figure out one that would stick to the bloody jerk, dumping dozens of water balloons on them. Thankfully this time it was actually water and not some other liquid. What greeted him was an odd looking man, and his odder looking sister. These must have been the new caretakers Dumbledore was talking about.

The new caretakers, one of them in a victorian maid's uniform, greeted them. "Good day?" the bald top man asked as Harry fully came around the corner, holding Hermione's hand.

"Not really," Harry answered with a defeatist shrug that felt almost too natural for him.

"You're wet..." the hunchback stated as though it wasn't blatantly obvious to everyone and their incestuous sister. What doesn't everyone have those? Must be a Transylvanian thing...

"Peeves caught us," Hermione answered dryly as she clung to Harry. Something was off about this pair, and she wanted to keep a slight distance from them. Besides, Harry made her feel safe, warm, and... tingly.

As a suit of armor crashed in the hallway upstairs, the caretaker Riff Raff blinked slowly and beckoned the two students to join him and his lover/sister/who-cares-really-she's-hot on the way to the great hall. Where noises of laughter and merrymaking could be heard from outside. "Sounds like a party..."

Riff Raff's ears perked up, and he seemed to take on a whole new demeanor, the picture behind him of a farmer and his wife suddenly holding up a pair of signs which read, toghter, "Don't, for crying out loud, continue!"

"You've arrived... on a most special day... it's a celebration of the master's upcoming nuptials..." the man explained while his sister stretched out on the top of a banister. When Harry looked at the picture next to Riff Raff again, the couple inside had apparently fled.

Hermione smiled as she stepped forward in support of Harry. "Oh... lucky him..."

"You're lucky. He's lucky. I'm lucky. WE'RE ALL LUCKY!" the redhead finally spoke before letting out an ear-splitting shriek of laughter and sliding down the banister as a nearby clock chimed the hour. Out of nowhere, a strange thumping music filled the air, and Riff Raff walked over towards the clock, opening it to reveal a skeleton inside.

"It's astounding... time is fleeting... madness takes its toll," the blond half-sung while doing things to the skeleton that aside from being questionable in nature were rather disturbing. Magenta drove the two students forward with a hiss. "But listen closely..."

As Harry and Hermione attempted to turn away, they were confronted by Magenta with a wild-eyed smile. "Not for very much longer..." she half-sang while doing somethingwhich looked almost but not quite like a dance move crossed with throwing her hands into the air after running through her wild hair.

Backing away from her with nervous smiles they faced Riff Raff just in time for him to sing, "I've got to... keep control..."

Suddenly the music kicked into high gear as the 'caretaker' ran towards a support pillar. "I REMEMBER! DOING THE TIME WARP!" Getting tot he pillar he hiked his foot up twice before continuing to sing. "DRINKING, THOSE MOMENTS WHEN..." he proceeded to circle the pillar, popping out on the other side with a lustful look shot at Magenta, "THE BLACKNESS WOULD HIT ME!"

Ducking out of the way of the incoming bald hunchback and his sister, Harry and Hermione watched in fascination as they locked hands and raised them up, while singing "And the void would be calling..." A moment later the two turned at the frightened pair of students and charged at them, sending them running into the Great Hall, where the entire student body were dressed in strangely muggle tuxedos with every color under the sun, and a few that shouldn't be, represented on their vests and cummerbunds. Instead of being filled with tables, the entire hall was emptied save for a single throne at the far end, some much smaller tables with food piled on them, and what appeared to be a working jukebox. All this was shunted to the far back of their mind as the rather effeminate looking group, which was hard to pull off in tuxedos, turned as one towards the doors and began singing along with the song as though it'd been rehearsed. "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

After that they turned towards the throne for a moment, before repeating the facing of the doors, this time with their hands jutting out pleadingly towards the quartet in the entrance. "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Somehow the focus of the room suddenly shifted to a small alcove that had been unnoticed previously, where Professor Flitwick seemed to be reading a giant tome on top of a golden raven, inside what appeared to be a study of some sort. Standing from his chair, the professor pulled out a chart from thin air with what looked like simple dance steps on it. Pulling out a pointer, he taped the top portion of the chart which showed two pairs of feet and an arrow across the top. "It's just a jump to the left," he explained calmly.

As a whole the group ripped the attention back towards them with a vengeance as they all jumped a large step to the left, shimmering their hands down in front of them to their knee level. After that, they sang out loud while tapping their right foot off a short distance to the side. "And a step to the ri-igh-igh-igh-ight!"

Giving the pair a sense of whiplash, the attention shifted again towards Professor Flitwick, who was holding his hands about shoulder height before lowering them down and gripping his hip, elbows out. "With your hands on your hips."

Back in the main ballroom, Harry and Hermione were forced to focus on the assembled dancers, raising their hands up in a cross before their faces, before lowering them down at their sides, in much the same manner as the professor had done. "You bring you knees in tight!" the chorus sang out loudly before snapping their knees closed with an almost audible click. Then they formed several circles, giving Harry a glimpse of Dobby in one of the strange outfits, before he was blocked by the mass of bodies.

"But it's the pelvic thrust," the circles sang out while doing exaggerated thrusts towards the center. As they repeated, they continued singing, "That really drives you insa-ay-ay-ane!" As they bounced on the last note, the singers rotated their upper bodies around in an almost calisthenic motion.

The students all turned to face the door again, flaring their hands again. "Let's do the time warp again! LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Harry and Hermione both decided it might be a good idea to leave, and turned to attempt to run away, unfortunately they were stopped by Riff Raff and Magenta blocking their way. Their attention was focused on the maid as she spun into the room proper. "It's so dreamy... Oh fantasy free me!"

As she whipped her hands up above her head again and thrust her chest out, Hermione and Harry were both pushed into the room after her by Riff Raff. They couldn't help but watch as she drew her clawed fingers across her eyes, backing towards a window. "So you can't see me..." she continued singing before ducking out the window, her voice carrying inside, "No... not at all."

Suddenly her head appeared resting on the sill of a window behind one of the food tables, "In another dimension..." slowly her eyes became half-lidded, locking on the two students that happened to have had a lot of mental reformatting done recently. "With voyeuristic intention..."

The implications caused both of the young and still, as far as they knew, virgin students to blush fiercely and avoid each others eyes. "Well secluded, I see all."

While attempting to look anywhere but at each other or the maid, they found themselves focusing on the hunchbacked caretaker who was giving them rather dangerous looks of his own. "With a bit of a mind flip..."

Magenta took the windowsill and used one of the side pillars as a dancing pole as she crescendo-ed off of her brother. "You're into the time slip!"

Without much reaction to the extravagance of his sister's actions, Riff Raff offered the pair of stunned students a Treacle Torte as he almost casually continued singing. "Nothing... will ever seem the same."

The bushy haired maid strode out onto the table, somehow missing the food without ever breaking her eye contact with the terrified pair of mentally readjusted teens. "You're spaced out on sensation!"

"LIKE YOU'RE UNDER SEDATION!" Riff Raff shouted as he crushed the torte in his hand, surprising the two students who pulled away nervously, only to find themselves surrounded by the other survivors of the year from hell.

It looked like each of the members was Gryffindor, Cedric Diggory, or Dobby the House Elf. Unfortunately the sight of them all thrusting their hips at the pair would be eternally burned into their retinas, no matter how many obviation attempts were to come in the future. "LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN!"

Almost as suddenly as they appeared, the circle of schoolmates vanished, revealing Riff Raff and Magenta flashing hands over at the jukebox as they swung their arms in step. "Let's do the time warp again!" What was waiting on top of the jukebox was a rather disturbing vision of sparkly sequins in gold, with black trim. The yellow coat was matched to the top hat, while a vibrant glittery red bow-tie seemed to hover above a leopard patterned sequins corset holding up nothing. Black stockings ran down the sparkly girl's legs to where blue socks and black shoes rested next to her bum. To say Ginny had looked better was a VERY big understatement.

To make things work, she winked at Harry as he held Hermione, and began to sing. "Well I was just walking down the hall, just having a think. When a snake of a guy, gave me an evil wink. Well it shook me up, it took me by surprise. He had a classy tone, and the devil's eyes. He wrote to me, and I felt a change. Time meant nothing. NEVER WOULD AGAIN!" Ginny sang out loudly, giving Harry disturbing flashbacks to a chamber with huge snakes inside it.

This meant that he missed the majority of the student body all hip thrusting at him and Hermione again as they sang, "Let's do the time warp again!" Unfortunately, this was enough to bring him back into reality so that he could catch sight of the various dancers jutting their hands into the air towards the throne. "Let's do the time warp again!"

The hall suddenly darkened to reveal Professor Flitwick's alcove where he was standing on the desk with his hands on his hips. "It's just a jump to the left!" he called out, causing the entire student body to jump leftwards with enough force to cause the castle to tremor as the lights snapped back on. Somehow they had formed several lines stretching the length of the entire hall from the entrance to the the raised dais that used to house the staff tables, and now only a lonely throne remained.

Then the lines of students thrust their legs out to the right, while their hands flashed that direction as well. "And a step to the ri-igh-igh-ight!"

The darkness once again slammed down, focusing its sole bastion of light around Flitwick as he turned on the balls of his feet, showing off the position of his hands. "Put your hands on your hips!"

Once again the return of light to the room meant a return of the muscic and action to the dancers. They wiggled their fingers as they brought their hands up over their heads and down onto their hips while singing, "And bring your knees in tight!" This caused an almost instant click as all the knees seemed to join together, before the damnable pelvic thrusting returned. "But it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insa-ay-ay-ane!"

Harry and Hermione couldn't help but notice that Riff Raff and Magenta were lost in their own little world of dance as they boogied in between the lines together. Another double repeat of "Let's do the time warp again!" was joined this time with the dancers leaping into the air and facing the other direction. Followed oddly enough by another repeat of the same actions, so that everyone was facing their original directions.

Then they all splashed a hand towards Ginny as she let out a shriek that sounded half in joy, and half in torment as she sprang off the jukebox and began doing something that appeared to be tap dancing. The interlude was cut off when she herself spiraled into the throne's dais and crashed down onto the steps.

While she recovered herself, the crowd repeated the refrain, "Let's do the time warp again!" twice. Once she found herself in the center of the amassed students along with Riff Raff and Magenta, the lights flashed over to Professor Flitwick.

"It's just a jump to the left!" he called out, matching the step with three mirror copies of himself joining in.

The students performed the called action, before thrusting their legs out to the right again, drawing off their hats into the air to the left. "And a step to the ri-igh-ight!"

As the lights flashed over to Flitwick, who instructed everyone to put their hands on their hips, Hermione began trying to get Harry to move towards the now-vacant door, which he was more than happy to oblige with as they began the knee locking and the pelvic thrusting.

They'd just touched the doorknob when everyone froze at the end of the song and collapsed, the music that had been playing sounding as though the record player had just had its power pulled out. Looking out over the collapsed student body, Harry and Hermione could only think of one thing to do. Looking at each other to assure they both were thinking the same thing, they opened the doors and ran for their happy rooms as fast as their legs could carry them.

That was another avenue of research that would be delayed due to necessary mind wiping. If only they had stayed a moment longer, they'd have seen a blinding flash of white light coming at their backs from the Great Hall. However, they didn't and the last thing they knew was being surrounded by white light, the only sensation they could feel is the grip on the other's hand.

After that, they knew nothing more of Hogwarts and its insanity until they woke. But that is a tale for another late night double-feature picture show.


	22. Chapter 22

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

I hate begging for reviews, but please, feel free to give me some, let me know if you're enjoying this... if you want me to torment someone else... anything.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Apparently being lost in a white void of light was much more boring than everyone thought it was. After the first minute of looking around at nothing, with no real reference points, there was just floating along in the middle of it all. It sucks even more that the only other thing that had been with him when he first woke up was now gone. Hermione had only released his hand for a moment, but in the brief time they had been apart, she had disappeared, leaving him utterly alone.

And so Harry spent time unknown, drifting along. Never aging, never seeing anything beyond a pair of blue blurs in the distance once that vanished shortly after he noticed them. Finally after what felt like ages, Harry finally found a sensation to latch onto. Or rather it seemed to latch firmly onto his eyebrows and yank him head first into the whiteness that surrounded him. Finally there was something new.

In a flash of noise and color he was out of the void and back at Hogwarts. The strange thing was that he didn't remember it being so big before the white void. Beyond that, what was he doing standing at the side of the room like this? Shouldn't he be over at the Gryffindor tables?

Looking around he was a bit surprised to find Hermione was sitting there already with a bewildered expression of her own. If he didn't know better this was a sorting ceremony. But that would mean he...

The time warp! He was back to first year again, and that meant he had... he had to suffer through all those years again. Wait... what did he have to suffer through again?

He remembered something about a stone, a giant snake, lots of pain and misery, and a sea of redheads smothering him. Thinking about it, the idea that the twins would be the best of the group struck him as odd, but anything would be better than that Ronda girl batting her eyelashes coyly at him.

Thunderous cheering filled the room, tearing him away from his internal curling into the foetal position and sucking his thumb. It seemed that another student had been sorted into... oh the Ravenclaw table was cheering. How nice. Wait, didn't that mean that-

"Harry Potter!" McGonagall's voice cut through the din, instantly silencing the Great Hall, as only two words could seem to filter through said saviour's mind as he walked to the stool. Since he was only eleven in this body and couldn't say it out loud, he had to suffice with mentally shouting those two words to every single whisper and pointed gaze.

Finally he got to the stool, was sorted, and was about to head back to his table when he thought of something. These adults knew what his home-life was like, right? Maybe it was time to express his gratitude towards them. Turning on his heels, he ran towards the head table and hugged the first teacher he could reach.

If that wasn't strange enough for the students to see, what happened next certainly was. The teacher, one Quirinus Quirrel by name, suddenly began smoking and turn to dust before their very eyes. Once the entire body had decomposed to ashes, a howling shade burst forth cursing Harry for ruining his plans and disappearing. The whispers started up again as Harry simply stared at the pile of ashes in shock, tears rolling down his cheeks. "I-I ju-just w-w-wanted a hug..."

Needless to say, hugging teachers was a request first action from that day forth.


	23. Chapter 23

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

I hate begging for reviews, but please, feel free to give me some, let me know if you're enjoying this... if you want me to torment someone else... anything.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Amazingly enough, by supper the next day, Dumbledore had managed to scrape up a replacement Defense Against Dark Arts professor, and explain exactly what that shadow was that escaped Quirrell's body after he was disintegrated. The fact that Harry was being nominated for an order of Merlin aside, it was a rather brilliant piece of public relations work to keep the reputation of not only the school, but also the headmaster's intact.

It is said that when people rush, they often make mistakes. Considering the timeframe that Dumbledore was given to work with, one could understand that he might have had a minor lapse of judgement regarding the appointment to such a position as Defense Against Dark Arts, especially since nobody had been able to hold the position for more than a year. As the curse was well known, it should have been little to no surprise that the people that apply for the position tended to be a little on the odd side.

The girl that was standing next to the headmaster fit the bill of oddity nicely, even for the Wizarding World. First there was the small fact that she could have passed off as a boy if it weren't for the fact she stuck her chest out. Then there was the tiny fact that she wore skin tight purple silk, with a band of what one almost could guess was armor across her chests. After that there was the cloak she wore that seemed to be made for an American Football lineman to wear with their expansive shoulders.

None of the students needed to know what she was doing to the poor dragons at the enclave Bill Weasley had been working at, right? Or why it was considered inhumane for this small pixie of a woman to face off against a dozen dragons at once, inhumane for the dragons that is. For now, all they needed to know was that she would be teaching them.

"Students! After the untimely departure of your former professor," Dumbledore started, wincing painfully as Harry choked back a sob at the mention of Quirrell's death. At least he had that friend of his to comfort him during these trying times. He would have to talk with Ms. Granger at a later date to ensure that she understood what was needed for the Greater Good, but she would be a lovely addition to the forces he hoped for Harry to build over his time at Hogwarts.

Clearing his throat the respected, aged headmaster drew attention back to himself, hoping to spare Harry some embarrassment. The boy would share his gratitude and love him even more than he already did, bringing him deeper into the weave of the plans that the greatest wizard to have ever lived had built for him since the very day he was born. "As I was saying, let us welcome our new instructor for Defense Against the Dark Arts, Miss Inverse..."

"Where monsters rampage, I'm there to take them down. Where treasure glitters, I'm there to claim it. Where an enemy rises to face me, victory will be MINE!" the diminutive lady proclaimed proudly as she struck a dramatic pose, complete with flames in the background and lightning striking. After a few minutes of stunned silence she seemed to jump in panic and wave it off. "Sorry, sorry, let me start over!"

Clearing her throat politely she smiled warmly at the students, as though nothing had happened. "Hello, I'm Lina Inverse, and I'll be your Defense Against Dark Arts instructor for the rest of the year. I hope that we can all have fun!"

Some part of Harry's mind made him consider taking a vacation from Hogwarts, effective immediately. Somewhere nice, somewhere warm, somewhere with ribs. He and Hermione would run from the school. But that thought was dismissed when the newest member of the staff started putting Ron Weasley to shame in an eating contest.


	24. Chapter 24

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Early update because of early morning work. Please leave a review to let me know what you think.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

A trembling hand warily pulled the shell-shocked body up from behind the heavy oaken table which they had hidden behind at the insistence of their best friend and eternal savior. How had the girl known to hide when the professor started doing that chant, Harry couldn't figure out, but Hermione had saved him by giving him that warning. Slowly doing a turn around what had once been the Great Hall, but was now smoking ruins, Harry couldn't help but wonder how it could all come to this.

As the last standing brick of the once majestic school clattered to the ground somewhere in the distance, Harry's mind began to trace back to the start of the entire fiasco. It had all seemed so pleasant, dinner was its usual fare of Ron challenging the new professor to an eating contest, the one which had become a nightly routine for nearly three weeks now.

Oh, how he could go back to those blissful days of innocence. Back when he didn't know of the horrors that hid behind the cute and sweet exterior of their Defence against the Dark Arts professor. Such a delightful, wonderful, absolutely beautiful existence that had been. But then it had all gone horribly, horribly wrong. Of course it had all started with one idiot opening his mouth, as does most everything wrong in the world.

"How the hell does she pack away all that food and still be so flat?" Ron had asked curiously as he pushed back his fiftieth helping of Pot Roast. Strangely enough it hadn't been herald as a particularly horrid choice of words by the usual sudden silence these moments seemed to called for in fiction. Instead conversation went on as normal as though the blissful days were going to continue without pause. But there was an undercurrent to the conversations, a subtle hum in the air that swore that there was danger brewing on the horizon.

Harry, at the time, had wondered quietly why he'd seen a scuffle at the Ravenclaw tables and some of the students have to leave the Great Hall and meet with Flitwick later. Not that they'd ever make the meeting, he reflected bitterly. There was just some things that could never happen once the innocence had been stripped away.

It all stopped with a screech when the teacher began to growl out an incantation, "One who is darker than twilight..."

It was at this point that Hermione had tugged on Harry's sleeve to get his attention, and began indicating the doorway in a panic. Whatever she might have said after that was lost as the teacher continued to chant, despite the best efforts of the teaching staff. "One who is redder than flowing blood."

As the magical energies began surrounding the enraged teacher, Harry finally got out of his seat and pulled the Weasley twins with him as Hermione dived for cover behind them. The struggle was on against gravity and the weight of food to turn over the table before she completed the incantation, not that she was giving them much time to work with."Buried in the flow of time. In thy great name, I hereby pledge myself to darkness."

The three griffins had just managed to get the table tilting towards the side closest to the incoming danger, when the others around them started to understand the threat and began to copy the trio's actions. Sadly it was too late, far, far too late to save them. "Those who stand before us in our way, all those who have become fools."

Harry reached out and dragged Hermione in as tight to him as he could, while bracing against the table as much as possible. The twins used their own bodies as an added layer to shield the younger students against the folly that their own brother had brought about. "Merge your powers and mine. To grand destruction equally to all!"

Harry had closed his eyes in preparation for whatever was about to happen, his arms embracing his own friend tightly in a desperate attempt to ensure that she would never be parted from her again. The next two words he feared would eternally haunt every last moment of his dreams and waking hours until the day he died. "DRAGON SLAVE!"

What happened next was a strange mix of explosions and some sort of high pitched whine, before darkness and silence claimed them. There was only the sensation of warmth from Hermione and the twins about them, and the beating of their hearts filling Harry's ears. There was a sense of peace in that, a peace that couldn't last.

Now he had woken to the destruction, became aware of the death and desolation around him and his friends. Of the entire school, only the four of them remained. The sound of Hermione rousing next to his feet drew his attention and he was kneeling next to her, gently shaking her awake. "Hermione... please Hermione... wake up..."

"Harry? What... What happened?" Hermione asked as the twins began dusting each other off. "I... Did... Did Professor Inverse really..."

"I think so Hermione... but..." Harry stated as he looked up at the rising sun in the distance. "I think we're safe..."

'Safe from what?' he wondered idly as he helped her to her feet, holding her in his arms gently. They were supposed to have been safe in Hogwarts, but then one teacher had been turned to ash in Harry's arms, and another had just blown the whole place to pieces. Were they safe from Hogwarts?

"Let's go home," Fred, or was it George said to his brother, and Harry quietly pondered just where home was for him, not with the Dursleys, not if he could help it. As the darkness of depression began to sink in, a firm grip on his hand drew his attention to Hermione, the wonderful girl that was giving him a warm smile of her own.

"Come home with me Harry, my parents will welcome you," Hermione offered, filling Harry with more joy than he could ever imagine. He had somewhere that could be home to him.

With a small smile and a nod, Harry turned towards the south, where the twins were already walking towards. And as the sun rose over the destruction that had been Hogwarts, only one thing could be said.

"Let's go home, Hermione."


	25. Chapter 25

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

You thought I had abandoned you, didn't you?

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Fortune seemed to have smiled on Harry, Hermione, and the twins as they were wandering lost in the woods between Hogwarts and Ottery St. Catchpole. After all, they hadn't the first idea where they were in relation to the Burrow, but after a visit by one snow white owl, they made excellent time. The trip in total took them five days, after they turned towards the south-east instead of the south-west. Luckily they were able to pick up a few meals here and there with the galleons Harry still had left-over from the start of the year in his pocket. Unfortunately, the houses they stopped at were hermits in the wizarding world and didn't have a floo connection to get them home sooner.

A meal with the Weasleys, with a retelling of the events leading up to the destruction of Hogwarts, later Harry and Hermione were spirited away in the back of Arthur's Ford Angela while Molly recovered from her fainting spell in bed. Harry was a bit more than glad to be gone from the house, as he was certain their little sister kept staring at him the entire time, and that Molly was going to stuff them to exploding.

What met them at the Granger's house had seemed an odd contrast to the Weasley's home, save for the smothering hug and fretting from Mrs. Dr. Granger. After another retelling of the events, with Harry trying to play down the heroics that Hermione kept trying to insist he did, it was decided that he'd be more than welcomed to stay with them for the next few weeks.

The next thing he knew, he was waking from a nap in the back of the Granger's car, Hermione snoozing on his shoulder, as they found themselves looking at what to most kids their age would be the most magical of places. It was just a fast food place with a playland, but after getting a burger, chips, and a shake, it was by far the best one Harry could ever remember going to. The doctors Granger even ordered a bacon cheeseburger, which they saved the bacon for Hedwig from.

Closing his eyes in anticipation for the taste of the juicy, glorious looking Hamburger, it came as quite the surprise when he tasted something completely different. Opening his eyes, he found himself staring into a roasted chicken sandwich with mashed potatoes and vegetables. Turning in his seat, he found Ron wolfing down mounds of food, and on the other side of him Hermione looking just as horrified. A little ways down the table, the twins seemed to be half-ready to hug Percy who was lecturing them over something.

As they were about to say something, a blond haired girl walked over with a plastic tray, on which was the food he'd ordered just before he closed his eyes. "Blasted time loop." She muttered, "Don't blow the school up this time."

Taking the tray from the girl in stunned confusion, he tried to point to Ron, or any of the others that seemed unable to see this strange girl. Instead he seemed to be suffering from a seizure of some sort as his brain attempted to process what happened. What had she meant about a time loop? How did she know about the explosion? WHAT THE HELL?

Before he could vocalize any of these questions, the great and powerful Dumbledore rose in his seat, drawing all attention to him. "Attention students! There is good news, we have managed to get a new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor after Professor Quirrell's untimely departure..."

Once again Harry felt a strange mix of guilt and satisfaction, but that soon was overwhelmed by a looming sense of dread as he realized where this was going. He'd been looped back to when that... woman had been picked, except the man who was in her place looked... eccentric.

Oh he looked like a professor alright, with his tweed suit, pressed shirt, and bow-tie, but the effect was utterly ruined by the wild mess of his hair, and the spastic look on his face. "Please welcome Professor... Let me see..." Dumbledore began, his next words drowned out by the professor blowing his nose rather loudly, before he finished with, "Also known as The Doctor."

"The Doctor will be fine," the new comer offered after tucking away his handkerchief, flashing a rather strange looking wand in his coat pocket. As far as Harry knew there had never been a metal wand made. The Doctor looked straight at Harry with a huge smile for a moment, before addressing the school as a whole. "Students, I hope to have a wonderful year with you, and ask that you please bear with my eccentricities. Also, I understand there is a tradition of the Defense teacher targeting one particular student... does anyone know the who is the current student?"

Dumbledore facepalmed rather noticeably at the table, before speaking in a stern voice, "That is NOT the tradition, Mr." Dumbledore began, for the man to decide to blow his nose again.

"Sorry... This castle is incredibly drafty. And I thought I told you to call me 'The Doctor'. I hate that name. Brings back bad memories," the eccentric man corrected before scanning the student body, noticing that Harry seemed suddenly void of eating companions save one bushy haired brunette. "Very well in keeping with tradition... Those two first years... yes you with the messy black hair and your female companion, please stand up. Yes, you two will serve the position nicely. I want you to meet me outside the blue police box just outside the great hall."

Hermione's squeak made Harry realize something was up, and suddenly the still hot burger and icy shake on the tray in his hands didn't seem so appetizing to him. As he looked at them, however, he noticed the napkin had some writing on it. "_Trust The Doctor, he's eccentric, but he won't get you killed. L. Lovegood._" Harry read, before wondering if he shouldn't trust the mysterious napkin of fortune, turning it over to read, "_By the way, eat your burger, or you'll never get to know if it's any good... and hope you don't mind but Hermione's about to grab your chips._"

As he finished reading, Hermione absently grabbed a handful of the chips off the tray, and Harry blink-blinked. Maybe it was time to trust some random piece of paper with oddly prophetic qualities, peeling back the wrapper he began eating the burger, much to the envy of some of his tablemates. The burger and strawberry shake had been just as good as he had imagined them to be. He didn't notice the blond haired woman in her late teens walk up to the new DADA professor, and hand him a wand, for him to look guilty.

"Sorry, Luna, but I grabbed the wrong thing..." he offered her sheepishly, "Anyway, best get going, or they'll notice you early."

With a wink, a nod and a tap of the strange boxy device on her wrist, she disappeared in a shimmer of light. He then got up, and showed Harry and Hermione to the TARDIS, handing the fast food tray to a confused house elf as he passed.

* * *

The adventures of The Doctor, Harry, Hermione and Luna will be done in a seperate story, and No Hear will continue after they have returned.


	26. Chapter 26

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Changing targets instead of waiting for the return of Harry and Hermione.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Ron sighed as he stared at the pile of candy that Harry had given him on the Express desolately. How was he going to seduce Harry into coming to his home for the holidays like his mother had told him to do? She had even promised him an extra-large serving of fudge if he brought Harry home. Something about her special plans hinging on it or something.

But now he was missing with that bossy little know-it-all bookworm from the train. With nearly wide-eyed terror, Ron's head whipped around as thought expecting someone to be hovering over his shoulders. However, despite being in the Gryffindor common room with a pile of candy, there was only some strange blond girl reading an odd looking blue book. Turning back to his pile of candy he let out a sigh.

"Thought mum was there for a bit..." Ron muttered as he saw the seventh-year girl pass him and go towards the girl's stairs. Just before she disappeared up the stairs, he couldn't help but notice she was wearing a strange butterbeer cork necklace.

Sighing heavily again he reached out for a chocolate frog box, when he heard a strange thumping sound from inside, while a muffled voice seemed to sing from inside. "Hello! Hello! Hello!"

Being the super-genius member of the Weasley family his mother always told him that he was, right before feeding him some strange fowl from the States that was rather stringy and showing him the ACME products catalogue, Ron naturally opened the box and out sprang the chocolate frog, but this one was strange. It had on what looked like a tiny top hat, and was carrying a gentleman's cane much like the one that Lucius Malfoy carried.

And it was doing a strange dance across the top of the couch, with one forelimb grabbing and lifting its hat, while its hind legs kicked out in front of it with each step. As it continued doing that strange dance, it sang more of its odd song. "Hello! Hello! Hello!"

"Hello! Hello! Hello!" the frog continued singing while it sprang from the back of the couch up onto the mantle by the fireplace, and continued its strange song and dance from there. "I've got a little baby, but she's out of sight. I talk to her across the telephone. I've never seen my honey, but she's mine alright."

Ron decided to spring for the frog that was making a valiant attempt at escaping, only to smack his face as said amphibian leaped up onto his head without missing a beat. "So take my tip and leave this gal alone. Every single morning you will hear me yell, '_HEY CENTRAL! FIX ME UP ALONG THE LINE!'_"

Springing away from the concussed redhead, the frog landed blissfully on the top of a bookcase while signing happily, even as the dazed and confused idiot turned around to try and come after him again. "He connects me with ma honey, the I rings the bell, And this is what I say to baby mine!"

Springing off the top of the bookcase, just in time, he had the perfect advantage to watch as the gaudy bust of Godric Gryffindor come tumbling down to land upon the head of the idiot that had just charged the shelving unit in an attempt to catch him.

Unlike what most thought, Ron's head wasn't the densest thing on the planet. When the carved piece of stone shattered upon the crown of his head, letting out a spray of dusty powder and stone chunks, he collapsed to the ground with a thud.

"Ah, you found my pet frog," The blonde girl exclaimed happily to the suddenly unconscious redhead, taking the frog, and shaking her finger at it, "Bad Michigan. Mr Ka Faraq Gatri will be very unhappy I lost you. Let's go."

She then walked off, disappearing in a shimmer of light before any of the other students arrived, Michigan's Law still in effect. No-one had heard him except Ron, not even herself. All she knew was that Ron was about to be in for a rough time over the remainder of his life.

It seemed almost a shame that a familiar toad and rat bolted into the room and began snatching up the candy with a vengeance, the rat leaving a few choice moisture trails on the flattened boy, and several brown pellets in the messy curls of red hair covering the idiots head.


	27. Chapter 27

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

New targets each week until I bring back Harry and Hermione, suggestions welcome.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Oliver Wood was not a happy captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, first it seemed like not a single one of the lazy slobs on his team so much as picked up a broom during the summer, let alone practice. Then there was the tiny, itsy, bitsy, teeny, little fact that the grand star Seeker prodigy that Dumbledore had promised him had been missing for nearly three months due to that nutjob The Doctor and his bloody special detentions.

Couldn't he see that they were talking about Quidditch here? The greatest wizarding sport to have ever been invented? The single most important thing to have ever graced the hallowed halls of Hogwarts since its very inception? Honestly, it was his sole mission in life to bring about the grand return of the Quidditch cup to its rightful place in the Gryffindor common room, on proud display for all the loyal lions to admire.

And he would be hailed as a hero for bringing the prized honor back to the tower, if only he could get his Seeker to show up for a practice or two! Really, it was almost like he didn't want to be press-ganged into flying around at dizzying altitudes and ludicrous speeds to search for something the size of a golf ball with wings.

Third on his list of things that just rubbed him raw was that 'The Doctor' hadn't actually taught a single class yet! Instead he was being helped by some Muggle-in-the-know who was showing them some things called 'Nitro-9' out of a 'aero-sol', some kind of muggle rocket he presumed, especially when she blew up the classroom, giving the student who caused said explosion 100 points deduction for getting the mix wrong.

As far as he knew, Glycerine was a component of pudding, so why was this 'Nitroglycerine' this girl worked with capable of causing portable blasting hexes?

It must have been the 'nitro' part, oh if only he could get his hands on some of that, he thought ruefully as Fred and George continued playing lazily below him. Oh he'd coat the brooms with them and they'd all be explosive in their playing! Maybe he could even get them to drink it by mixing it into some juice, and just see how potent they'd be!

He was so deep in his plans that he failed to notice that several racks of those odd silver cans that the teaching assistant, Ace, used so often were resting in padded boxed near where the twins were batting around a bludger with little care. Even if he did, he probably couldn't understand what those strange numbers on the rims might mean.

Sadly for him, all this failed to register properly in his brain, and he could only watch as the bludger slipped past George's beater bat, and collide with the canisters. He did however notice when the bludger shot out from resulting explosion as it had a few interesting side effects.

The first and primary is that it removed, or more accurately disintegrated, his broom from the tip all the way to where he was sitting with the weighted ball's collision. The second was that it had caught his hands, which he was using to control the broom, sending them directly back.

This led to the third, and possibly the most damning of all, his hands and bludger came into contact with his unprotected and soon to be missing bits. Well, not necessarily missing, but as he was currently feeling like he would be spitting out the shattered remains of his boys. Fred and George had taken the precaution to hit the ground as soon as they saw the impact target of the bludger, and thus had the perfect view to see its terminal trajectory. Terminal to future members of the Wood family line that is.

"Oooo right in the bludgers... that's gonna hurt..." one of the devil twins commented, to which a small squeaking voice somewhere in the depths of his mind responded with several colorful words.

Finally sweet blackness claimed him as he passed out from the pain, and fell limply towards the ground, knowing that nothing it could do to him would ever hurt worse than the pain he had just felt. Not even the Cruciatus Curse could possibly feel as bad as that had.

He was not happy with the fact that the only way he could attend was a couple of weeks later, as Olivia Wood, a Hufflepuff girl, because they had to change his gender to deal with the damage... and she was, for some unknown reason, deathly afraid of aerosols and brooms for the rest of her life.


	28. Chapter 28

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

New targets each week until I bring back Harry and Hermione, suggestions welcome.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Oops..."

Snape had been a potions professor for so long that he knew those words would always result in a failed potion, and hearing them in his first year classes was almost as regular as hearing Gryffindor students complain about his teaching methods. After all, they were bound to make mistakes, however, as they were just boiling water at this point, this caused him to whip around and stare at Longbottom in surprise.

There before his eyes was a sickly green looking foam rolling out of the boy's cauldron, one that he simply couldn't fathom how it was possible given the actual steps was to put water into the cauldron and put it over a fire until bubbles formed on the surface. Honestly it was something that most of the students could perform in their sleep, and yet somehow Neville Longbottom had managed to foul it up to some degree of excess.

Just as he was about to berate the boy, a pale human hand grasped the edge of the cauldron and dragged out the rest of a ghostly form out of the froth. Out of the emerald bubbles emerged a face that had been haunting his dreams for nearly eleven years. "Severus Snape, I want a word with you, RIGHT NOW."

"Lily... no... it... how-" Snape responded smoothly.

"A young man, don't ask me how he did it, managed to work out a way to resurrect me here, today, and, well, tell me this... WHY WAS MY SON WITH THE DURSLEYS?" she snapped, her screech of anger making the wall shake, and several redheads throughout the castle hit the dirt.

"The Dursleys? Wasn't he raised by one of James' relatives?" Snape asked in confusion, having honestly thought the pompous, arrogant, and currently missing brat had been raised in the lap of luxury.

"NO, YOU BLITHERING IDIOT! YOU DIDN'T EVEN CHECK UP ON HIM!" She screeched, several cauldrons being flattened by falling stones.

"No Lily, Albus ordered me t-" Severus began, for her to scowl and to the shock of every living being in the room, actually cringe.

"I DON'T CARE IF ALBUS TOLD YOU TO JUMP IN BED WITH HIM, YOU SHOULD HAVE CHECKED UP ON HIM, YOU SHOULD HAVE CARED ABOUT HIM... INSTEAD, WHAT DO I FIND OUT... YOU ARE STILL A SLYTHERIN SUPPORTING PUREBLOOD BIGOT WHO SOLD ME OUT TO..." Lily berated, grinning, before adding very quietly, "If you explain yourself, I won't continue this tirade."

Snape searched the deepest recesses of his mind, before sighing and pointing to the adjoining room. "Care to wait for me while I dismiss this class? This will take a while, and I'm sure the students would prefer to not have their ears ring the rest of the day."

As the students filed out, he couldn't help but feel the fiery brand of her stare upon the back of his neck, knowing that she was going to make the rest of his life, and quite possibly his afterlife, a living (or not so living) hell. Once the room was empty, save for the two of them, he turned on her and sighed. "Li-"

"Come with me," She snapped, and he found himself suddenly in a room with James Potter, who was looking very, very, very pissed off.

"Dear, go get Albus," James said, "I have some things to discuss with this traitorous monster."

Once Lily was gone, much the same way that they'd arrived Snape turned to look at his former tormentor and gave his best sneer, which was partially ruined by the puddle of yellow at his feet. "Must rile you that your best friend-"

"Sirius was found guilty of a crime he did not commit? Oh, I'll be beating Albus to death, then beating him some more, for that one. Try telling me this... What will I beat you down for more? The treachery you did to me over Voldemort, or the treachery you did to my son by supporting Dumbledore?"

"The second, had I known he'd go after Lily, I would have obliviated that prophecy from my mind entirely," Severus stated calmly, the truth for once coming easily to his tongue.

"Well, while you might be still living, there's oh, so so so much that you can go through without dying... Let's begin your penance by testing each one out on you," James offered with a malicious grin on his face as he cracked his knuckles slowly.

When Albus arrived a few hours later, Severus Snape would have chosen to become Gryffindor's new head of house without a second thought, and he was still getting tormented for all his sins. His face split into a sickening grin as he locked eyes with the headmaster, his shoulders re-setting themselves with a sickening, meaty pop as he let out a sadistic chuckle. "That which hath been wrought onto me, may it come a thousand-fold onto you."

A figure that Albus hadn't seen in years stepped towards him, as his sister looked him in the face, and spat in it. "Enjoy your fate, brother dear." Ariana sneered as she caressed his cheeks and beard gently, "You have killed and killed again by your actions or lack of action, and now, you shall face justice."

If it had been anyone else, Albus might have been prepared for the harsh yank that took out a good chunk of his beard, before getting it thrown back in his face. "You're no brother of mine. I don't even know what you are."

When Albus Dumbledore returned to Hogwarts, he quietly thought about that retirement he'd held off on, while Severus was also planning the same. They had just encountered their worst nightmares, and they had, as their weapons, the cold hard truth.

They had failed.


	29. Chapter 29

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Short and sweet this week folks, sorry but work's been hell on me the past couple weeks. This was a request for more Draco bashing... anyone else have a target they'd like to see taken down a peg or two?

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

To say that Draco Malfoy was a little miffed would be like saying that the magical world had a little problem with anything resembling logic. A gross understatement the size of a galaxy or two. First his 'rival' that he'd been promised for so long had the gall to be abducted within the first month of school starting, thereby depriving him of his secondary source of entertainment.

Further his primary had been removed as Severus Snape decided to stop using him as his personal whipping boy and love slave. There was some sort of muttering about a need to repent, and then he was ordered to leave the room with no further explanation than that. How was he supposed to be a proper Death Eater without the warm-up of years of being subjugated and humiliated as a Slytherin before joining the Dark Lord's glorious service?

There hadn't been any whippings, no buggery, no plugs, no chains, none of the fun things that he'd been promised that his godfather would be doing to him for his seven years of schooling. By Merlin's beard he hadn't even been able to so much as get a rise out of the two meat-heads Crabbe and Goyle that were supposed to be his loyal retainers.

Pathetic worms couldn't satisfy him even in the most basic sense of the word. So instead he'd been forced to wander the halls in a state of insane turmoil, without even his smaller, weaker, frail-looking incubus to unleash his burning hot feelings upon. It was bad enough that he had to suffer these fools that thought that light would win out over darkness, but to not have anything to unleash his raging, throbbing passions upon, he was in pure and utter turmoil.

He couldn't even get off campus to torment a younger muggle boy for pleasure, since they were in the middle of a term. So rather he found himself wandering the halls of the dungeons rather than enjoying the Halloween feast with the rest of his house. As it was, he barely heard "TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS!" being shouted from the Great Hall before a thunderous thud behind him made him void his bowels.

Turning around, he stared up at the monstrous troll, it could only have been one of the mountain trolls with how ugly and stupid it looked. That was when he noticed the 'little' problem the troll was having. 'Little' being the operative term on a creature that was twelve feet tall and had a 'problem' that was easily as big in entirety as he was.

Maybe it was his sheer sexual frustration from earlier that was shining through, or if the troll was just in season or something, but the little problem was certainly growing bigger at an alarming rate.

There was no possible way to not notice the problem would require enough lube to fill the Black Lake to solve that problem. There was only to options that Draco saw for getting out of this... take the little club, or get beaten by the bigger club.

Either way it was almost certain that if he woke up, it would be in the infirmary. Resigning to his fate, he turned around and called out, "Bring it on!"


	30. Chapter 30

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Seriously folks, give me targets you want to see tormented, or Harry and Hermione are going to back in the cross-hairs.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"And due to recent... incidents... we are going to be getting a new Potions Professor, but more immediately, we would like to welcome our new headmaster, Lucius Malfoy," Professor McGonagall announced gravely with a deep frown upon her face. He'd chosen himself after a vote of the Board Of Governors, which, in McGonagall's opinion, meant he paid for the buffet lunch, the room they had the lunch in and the rather heavy bags of items they left with.

Or, in simpler terms, he bought the vote with kudos to spare. It was supposed to be an 'interim' position, until the board could verify that Minerva wasn't as... She tried to think of a term they had used that was not effectively hoping that she'd just ignore half of the things they suggested, while supporting the rest like Dumbledore did.

She had spent the last week turning all the detection charms back towards the school, rather than blanketing one street in Surrey with enough magical detection that a wizard couldn't sneeze without it being detected, and also telling the portraits that they didn't need to send regular reports to the Head's desk about which boys were gay, which students were dark and which students were suicidal. Oh and removing the monitoring and recording charms on all the male baths in Hogwarts.

She had just got back from scourgifying and reopening the Ravenclaw library after it was discovered no-one had actually noticed the door had rusted shut, and had found the keys again, worryingly all locked in a cupboard in Severus's old office, for all the house potion supply cabinets. Effectively, if she hadn't found out Lucius Malfoy was headmaster now, she could MAYBE have got the school back to being a school by the new millennium.

"UNCLE LUCY! I'm so proud!" a blonde young woman called out merrily from the back of the room while waving excitedly. "And to think! Now your class on Buggery can be a reality!"

McGonagall quietly planned to lock most of the student body in the Ravenclaw library, claiming to have lost the keys when Lucius asks where they were, with an order to study all the books. It would be safer for the students.

"I... I have no idea what you are talking about..." Lucius stated coldly while his eyes narrowed at the young woman. "Besides, I have only one niece and she is nowhere near your age. Who are you, charlatan?"

"Oh Uncle Lucy, can't you tell? I am her, but from another time period," the blonde answered with a huge grin on her face as she pulled out a little necklace that caused Lucius to withdraw in horror. "He's coming back, uncle... and it will not be good for you to be here when it's time."

"Excuse me, Deputy Headmistress, but I have some matters to attend to with some friends. Please make sure that the students are behaving during my absence." Lucius said, with noticeable haste, leaving as fast as his legs could carry him.

"Oh Uncle Lucy... leaving such a mess on the floor..." the woman stated with a shake of her head before looking at Minerva. "You're in charge... oh and those padded rooms at the top of Gryffindor? Make sure they're cleaned out. They will be occupied soon."

Minerva smiled. Maybe the insanity of the school at the moment had its benefits, as a owl arrived announcing that Lucius had resigned, and would not be sending another replacement headmaster or headmistress. "Let's see... Dear Ms. Tonks, I wish to offer you a post as Transfiguration Professor for a short period while we find a more suitable replacement..." Minerva began, while cleaning up the mess, "Next... Professor Slughorn... About the Potions position, it's yours, no questions asked, you'll be Head of Slytherin."

She didn't even care the school was falling into insanity around her. As she left, the blonde girl looked at a clipboard, and ticked two boxes. "Two in one stroke. Lucius defanged and the school well on the way to becoming the institute of learning it is in the 21st century." She mused happily as she skipped along, "Must call The Doctor and tell them that they can come back now."


	31. Chapter 31

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

I have a few targets to tide me over for a while, and the next two phrases picked, anyone wanting to pick targets and phrases please feel free to let me know. The main list of phrases is linked below.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

When classes finished for the year, Ron had never been more overjoyed in his life. That was until his mother heard that he hadn't had a chance all year to sit down and talk with Harry outside of the short time on the train. The yelling he could have taken with grace, but to make him his little sister's lackey was too much!

It wasn't even his fault!

The year had started out excitingly enough what with seeing a teacher burst into flames, Snape leaving, and Malfoy getting brought to heel by that strange blonde girl, but then it turned into such a bore of classes, tests, and no fun.

Then his mother got his grades and really lit into him. If he got grades like that again this year, he probably shouldn't come home next summer.

But this was a new year, and that meant he had to try out for the Quidditch team, put some potion into Harry's dinner next time he showed up, and maybe even get a decent grade! It was rather flattering that one of the teachers suggested that the school make a new mark and name it after him, that was until he found out that it was going to be the lowest grade of all, even below Troll.

It was already shaping up better than last year, as his teachers had set up a special set of classes just for him. In one class all he had to do was sit and read fan mail for some strange guy who paid him a sickle an hour. Whoever this Lockhart guy was, he just seemed to love hearing Ron read those letters while he soaked in a heated bath. Especially when he had Ron dress up in the strange kilt and stage make-up. Whoever this Prince S. guy was, Ron seemed to remind Lockhart about him enough that he was always being called his name. Now that Ron minded, heck being mistaken for a prince was kind of cool.

However, sometimes those remedial courses would take too long and cause him to miss supper, and that led to him sneaking off to the kitchens for a snack. Two weeks into the term and he heard a rumor about Harry showing up, so he took the potion with him for the day. However, this had unforeseen results.

"Um... I may have accidentally spilled that potion you told me to feed Harry in the soup pot when I went in for a pre-class snack," Ron admitted to Ginny later that night while scrubbing off the strange magical goo from the lip wand that Lockhart insisted he put on to make his lips redder when he read, and change the pitch of his voice a few octaves.

If Ron had actually been paying attention to her, he might have noticed that his sister turned a ghostly shade of white that made her freckles and red hair stand out even more than usual. "Let me see if I understand you right..." Ginny asked cautiously as she fought the urge to use her wand. "You... spilled an unknown potion into the soup that most of the school ate for dinner, and are just now telling me this?"

"Well yeah, I mean I had classes, and Lockhart made me miss dinner but he ordered some of it in for us since he loved the soup they were having or something," Ron answered while he continued washing off the strange gunk that he had to put on for Lockhart tonight. "I didn't see you until just now, so I didn't have a chance to tell you earlier."

"Students, We have had to... rather rapidly get a whole new faculty due to a discovery by Professor Slughorn that someone spiked the soup. Thankfully, he had the fish, but will still be busy studying said soup to discover the potion that caused the problem. A student called one of her relatives, and he was happy to fill all the positions, whatever that means." McGonagall's voice stated calmly over the new school intercom, this caused Ginny to attempt to give her brother a rather 'special hug' around his neck, but that's when the room slowly began to swirl around them in flashes of color.


	32. Chapter 32

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Who wants to guess at the next phrase that's going to be used? Also, sorry for the late update. Chapter might be updated after the beta's done with it.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

**There was several things that happened over the next few hours after the world of the many of the population of Hogwarts began reacting to the potion that caused their world to whirl into a blur of swirling colors and insanity.**

A few students would be found in a compromising situation or two in the days that followed, however the one that was most notable among them was Seamus Finnegan who was found wearing chaps, a leather chest harness, and nothing else. he was found in a room with a flock of sheep, and several empty bottles of lube. No one asked any questions, and for his own part Seamus couldn't explain his actions over the past few days.

However, that is in the future, and involving characters that aren't the subject of today's tale. Today we are focusing on a room high in Gryffindor Tower, it is a well known fact that the female section of the tower were well warded against males entering their premises. What was not well known was that at the very top of the tower was a couples room from the middle ages when often times wizarding couples were wed before completing their schooling and expected to perform their marital duties in order to increase the dwindling populations.

How these particular managed to learn of it, no person could possibly imagine. However it was just a bit of drunken stumbling and a loophole of sharing the same last name meant the two of them could enter together.

What happened inside had been seen more times than the walls could have possibly been believed to be able to count. "MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD! AND THEY'RE LIKE, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS!" one of them sang horribly off-key while doing something more akin to molesting the bedpost than dancing.

Of course the other party didn't help matters as they cheered the dancer on. "WOO! GO RON! Grind that bedpost!" a feminine voice cheered drunkenly as she clapped her hands.

The fact that she was naked, and Ron was rapidly losing his clothing as he gave her a bit of a show was absolutely lost on her, but the events of the following hours were a blur. Neither would ever remember, but the results would be one to live with for a lifetime more.

After all, the wards on the room lasted a long time, a VERY long time, and were very potent.


	33. Chapter 33

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Sorry about the late update today, family emergency. Chapter might be updated after the beta's done with it.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

There was nearly a full month where Hogwarts' population had to let the effects of the potion-drugged soup worked its way out of the digestive tracks of the people whom ingested it. It was about that time that the students and staff began to realize just how badly the potion had disrupted life in the school.

Some students couldn't seem to meet any of the eyes of their fellows. A couple of the Slytherin's turned a very nasty shade of green when they so much as saw anything representing their house. Many of the teachers were either forced into retirement, or gotten severely sick at the onset and couldn't continue serving their positions. Among those that weathered the storm properly were Headmistress McGonagall and Professor Slughorn.

One of the last to be found and thus added to the medical rolls were the youngest of the Weasley children, who were found with sore muscles, severe dehydration, and rather awkward walks. As they seemed fine after water and some snacks, they were put on the lower priority lists, and had to wait about another week before the healers could see them. This was even after recruiting a full two score of assistants from St. Mungo's, so it was somewhat obvious just how badly off they were.

Many of the students managed to be passed with little to no worry to any of the medical staff. But there were a few that needed to be worried over. The last student on the list was a very large source of worry, as she came back with a rather troubling result on one of her tests. As the healer most familiar with the case in question Madam Pomfrey was tasked with delivering the message. A couple spells later, and they found out that they needed to include one other student in the meeting.

When Ron and Ginny were seated, the good healer pulled out a packet of information that she hadn't needed for several years. If it wasn't for the simple fact that she took it upon herself to update it every year, she wouldn't have been able to find it in the very back of the files. As it was, when she set down the file, which oddly enough had the Weasley family seal embossed on the front cover, the two students turned a rather ghastly shade of white. "Congratulations, you're a parent," Madam Pomfrey read out-loud off the slip of paper with a prepared speech written upon it.

Before either of the two students could respond, the school gave off a violent shake. As the rumbling died down, all three of them decided to find a safer location to hold this meeting at. In short order, they all zipped off to the Burrow, just before a undulating wheezing groan echoed through the halls of the castle, followed shortly later by a distant, but very audible shriek of rage.

In the Main Hall, Headmistress McGonagall was trying to avert yet another disaster, the shaking becoming worse and worse, when a first year in Ravenclaw walked up beside her and addressed her. "Excuse me Headmistress? But I believe the new teachers have arrived... oh yes, the tremors are caused by them, and should likely tear the school apart. Might I suggest we leave while they discuss why that is?"

"Thank you Miss..." Minerva offered solemnly just as another tremor ripped through the castle, causing chunks of masonry to come tumbling down the stairs.

"Lovegood, Luna Lovegood, and I'll just go see how my Uncles are coming along with a solution to stop this mess they caused, shall I?" the blond offered with a cheerful, if a bit distant smile to the Headmistress and skipped her way out, as though going for a spot of tea with her dolls.

"Students, out to the lake, nice and orderly now!"


	34. Chapter 34

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Can you guess what's coming next?

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Due to a curious series of coincidences... we have to replace the entire teaching staff... Meet... The Doctor, The Doctor, The Doctor..." McGonagall read off solemnly as she pointed to the nearly a dozen men standing in front of her, while the ruins of Hogwarts burned merrily in the background. "Apparently they are responsible for the castle shaking itself apart."

"We suspect it might have been a localized temporal instability caused by a time snarl in the near vicinity of ourselves," the man with a mile long scarf offered while holding out a bag of jelly babies.

"We call that Harry Potter," one of the surviving Slytherin called out as she tightened the bandages around the huge gouge in her dorm mate's arm. They had learned the hard way that flying shrapnel has the right of way.

"No, I think Harry Potter isn't the cause of this instability... Well, not the..." One who looked like he was older than most of the people there said, just as a wheezing groan echoed through the air, as a blue police box appeared nearby.

"Not the only cause..." another concluded dryly as he fiddled with his question mark shaped staff, as the police box opened, a wild-eyed man looking out

A slight tremor ripped through the area, causing several heated glares before he ducked back inside and called out, "Oh... Shit... I think we should turn round, yes, go back to that Dalek star ship and have some more fun with them... Definitely shouldn't come back to here right now."

"But Doctor, we'll miss our exams," Hermione answered from inside as the doors slammed shut. With another creaky-moan, the blue police box vanished from sight, along with the trembling of the grounds.

"I do believe we've found our cause," the man wearing an ascot and formal Victorian dress stated while stroking his chin. "It would seem Numbers 11 and 12 are the cause, along with their companions... but I wonder which initiated the temporal inversion field in such a manner..."

The police box then reappeared, and the man looked out again. "Excuse me... ummm, Me, but I'm having problems leaving this area of time," He called out, before asking, "Anyone know how to fix a TARDIS that is stuck in time?"

"Fifth panel from the right, give it a good whack!" the Doctor wearing a leather jacket with close cropped black hair called out.

"Umm... Harry, Hermione, Luna, you get out while we fix this," The Doctor in the TARDIS ordered, beckoning for the other Doctors to get in as the students got out.

Harry took a look around and sighed heavily, "I'm going to get blamed for this, aren't I?"

"Already happened mate," Seamus called out from his stretcher, his two legs splinted up while waiting for a healer. As the police box tried to leave again, the area shook violently, people going for what resembled cover, while others used their bodies to shield the injured friends and classmates.

"Great... Professor? How about we all leave the area? Maybe take a trip to Hogsme-" Hermione asked pointedly before getting cut off as they heard Hogsmeade begin to fall into a sinkhole.

"Everyone into the TARDIS?" Harry asked curiously as he noticed that the sinkhole was spreading towards them.

"It's already leav-" Someone called out, then everything went, oddly, white...

* * *

Harry woke up to the sound of a sonic screwdriver and a train engine. "Still works... That modification we did to it was viable," Hermione declared, "And we're several weeks earlier than we arrived, but time appears to have righted itself."

"Hermione? What happened?" Harry asked as he tried to force his head to stop throbbing, having years of practice made such minor pains easy. "Why are we on the Express?"

"You two are going back for your second year," Luna stated from the seat next to Hermione, "We have actually arrived back at the right year, but apparently have erased getting back late."

"Oh, so Dobby didn't block me at the entrance to the Platform... wait, what about Ron?" Harry asked as his brain remembered the full details of the incident.

Meanwhile, back at the train station, Ron was enjoying a cup of tea and some crumpets while waiting for the magical authorities to arrive to straighten out the minor mess he seemed to be in, and for once it didn't involve Harry.


	35. Chapter 35

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Bet you didn't see this.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Harry had learned many things during his adventures with the Doctor, one of the most useful in his opinion was the ability to focus and organize his memories. It helped him deal with all the insanity that had been unleashed upon him by his arrival to Hogwarts, every trip seems to have made it worse and worse by sheer repetition if nothing else. However, there was still memories that no matter how much he tried he couldn't remember.

Tonight was another meeting of that very type of memory, all through his detention with Professor Lockhart, he couldn't shake the feeling that there was something that he should have remembered about tonight. It wasn't about the basilisk, since he'd dealt with that, and gotten the detentions for being out so late because of it, but this was another night he should have remembered.

It wasn't until he ran into Hermione waiting for him in the common room that the pieces began to fall into place. The first hint that there was more to his bad feeling than just his imagination was the fact that Hermione wasn't alone, with her was Luna Lovegood, Neville Longbottom, and a rather posh looking magical tent.

"Harry..." Hermione started in a tone that set off the alarm bells in the boy's head. It was the one that meant he wasn't about to like what she had to say, "tonight for dinner we had baked beans, cabbages, and garlic, radishes, cauliflower, Brussels Sprouts, and bacon... oh and your dorm-mates had extras."

At first Harry was suddenly glad that Lockhart had once again gotten so wrapped up in his own little fantasy world of love, lust, and a clone, that was until he realized the end result of the food listed. Then the memory of what had happened the last time he'd gone through this night filtered through his head. It looked like the tent was for Neville and him.

"Thank you Hermione, Luna..." Harry offered, with a truly grateful smile towards the two girls whom he had been blessed with the company of for the past few months, or was it years by now? He could never keep track of things like that when time travelling.

"You're welcome, there's some stew and bread in the kitchen if you're hungry," Luna stated with a warm smile before standing up. "I have to get back to the Ravenclaw dorms, good night."

As Harry waved good night to his friend, he couldn't help but wonder why he still felt he was forgetting something. Putting it off as unimportant he crawled into the tent in order to enjoy his night out of the dorms.

When the tower was shaken violently in the middle of the night, Harry realized just what he'd been forgetting. Dean had been sleeping with a lit candle nearby due to problems he'd been having with the dark, and due to it being the middle of winter, none of the windows had been opened since last year.

When the rumors of the explosion began to circulate the next morning, he was safely tucked away in the library, trying to write an essay that could stand up to Hermione's standards, but even then he could hear the shouts of outrage that his female friends gave off when it was suggested that Harry might have been the cause.

The boys were due to recover in nearly three months unaware that their stuff was a total loss, and to Ron's great dismay his pet rat Scabbers had been turned into several crispy bits of ash and bone.

That was the last day that particular menu was ever offered at Hogwarts.


	36. Chapter 36

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Brain bleach will be provide to those with proof of medical insurance.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"And due to the rather unfortunate and inexplicable explosion and resulting fire in the Gryffindor dormitories, the staff and I felt it prudent to secure alternative housing until such time as repairs can be affected," the headmaster explained with a grim visage as he looked over those members of the mighty lions that had escaped the rather grisly blast that had sent so many of their housemates to the infirmary.

To the surprise of nearly the entire school, Harry Potter was not only completely uninvolved in the incident, but hadn't needed medical attention afterwards. For the first time since its christening, the Harry Potter Memorial Bed in the infirmary lacked its famous occupant after a disaster. As a side note, the betting pool went to a very surprised Neville Longbottom, who only took 'No Injury' because everything else was taken.

"Now, as I'm sure none of you are fit to sleep after the excitement earlier, I have arranged for your Defense Instructor, Professor Lockhart, to entertain you," the barmy old coot continued while his mind was instead focused upon a rather delightful midnight snack that had been interrupted by the catastrophe.

"Erm, Headmaster, I may have been misunderstood, I will not be entertaining the young minds this eve," Lockhart corrected with a worried frown on his face. No doubt missing his beauty sleep. "Rather I will provide entertainment for them, while ensuring there are no threats elsewhere in the castle."

"Ah, very well, continue," Dumbledore added with a wave of his hand before leaving the room with nary another word. Everyone wrote it off as his having somewhere more important to be, and chose to focus instead upon their Defense Instructor.

The blonde pansy with a knack for memory charms cleared his throat and began to pace around. "Now students, as you know I am a great wizard and have defeated many enemies in my time."

As he droned on with his speech, one pair of Lions watched him with more than polite curiosity. A pair of emerald eyes glittered with thinly veiled predatory instincts as the bearers of them wanted nothing more than to tear into this utter fraud in front of the entire student body. However, it was the brown pair that simmered with rage next to him that the idiot prancing about should have been worried about. She still hadn't forgiven him for lying so horribly in books, and then leaving Harry to face danger alone! He would pay, and her toll would be blood.

Sadly, none of the students could have prepared themselves for the utmost horror that was about to meet their eyes. There was weeping, gnashing of teeth, gouging of eyes, and foetal positions... but there were also many hugs.

"Students, please welcome my familiar..." Lockhart finally said at length before stepping aside with a bow. "Barney the Dinosaur!"

The spawn of purple and green that emerged from the shadows would haunt the nightmares of many a student for the rest of their lives, the maddening gaping grin, the dead soulless eyes. The screams that rang out from the student body would echo for weeks to come, especially once it started singing.

Oddly enough, every blasting, cutting, exploding, or any other type of hex known to the student body only served to DOUBLE the number of purple monstrosities singing that damnable song that burrowed its way into their brains and wouldn't leave. Sadly for every appearance of a new Barney, there was several more students flinging hexes.

It was at that time the hugging began.

There were two survivors, they would be found huddled in the fireplace with a couch over the mantle, clutching each other for dear life. When pried apart they began laughing, and laughing, and laughing, and nothing could make them stop.

But that's a story for another time.


	37. Chapter 37

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Remember that Friendship is Magic, and you can help pick the next target, or pick the next lines from the list below.

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* * *

"And as you might have noticed, Gryffindor house has had a few minor... setbacks," Dumbledore offered as tactfully as he could explain that all but two students were now residents of the infirmary, and would likely remain such for the foreseeable future. Those two hale and hearty students were currently cowering in a corner, clutching at each other and pulling away from even the faintest hint of purple.

Not that any other could see them, not with the invisibility cloak covering them in a desperate hope to leave the house with something resembling dignity. "Until such time as they can get back on their feet, we would like to welcome some very special guests that should help us with restoring the unity that we seem to have lost."

"Please help me in welcoming our new student mentors, Twilight Sparkle, Pinkamena Diane Pie, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Applejack. Now while only two have what we recognize as magical pow-"

"They're ponies! Freaking candy-colored ponies!" some whiny fop from Slytherin shouted in dismay at the top of his voice. "When my father's hear about this-"

Whatever threat that might have followed was cut off by a sudden blinding glow bursting forth from all six of the ponies, causing two students to bolt for the door, while another in the middle of the crowded Great Hall shouted out, "HIT THE DECK!"

The muggleborns all followed the orders, diving under their respective tables and covering up as best as they could. Sadly there was no stopping the Rainbow of Light that blasted into the student body, teaching staff, and ninety-eight percent of the castle.

Oddly enough, there would be found two friends huddled on the shore of the lake, right where the carriages and boats would have met up during the first day of school for any given year. When asked, they would start gibbering about blinding flashes, and snuggle fests before pointing towards the castle weakly. The only thing found in the ruins upon the aurors investigation a week after the actual incident was every last person hugging everyone else, and as stiff as rocks.

The only explanation was that some sort of high level magic spell was set off, and they were put into stasis to protect them until some condition was met. They left shortly after leaving a few notice-me-not charms to keep the students protected, they also in their infinite wisdom chose to leave the two that had been 'waiting for the train home' in their own words.

What no one saw was two forms sitting on a hill overlooking the rather disturbing lack of professional conduct by the Aurors. One was a small purple unicorn with a pink stripe through her mane and tail, while the other was a young woman with blond hair and a distant look. "It is still not time Twilight, I'm sorry I doubted you."

"You didn't know Luna, we'll just revert to our original schedule of appearing in the year 2010 of your calendars," Twilight answered quietly as she scratched her head with her hoof. "Are you sure it's alright for me to leave? We could try and-"

"No, we're going to have to cancel our Tuesday appointment however Twilight, I don't think Harry nor Hermione will be in the mood for tea, sorry," Luna offered with a wave towards where the two students sat waiting for the train trip home.

"No, you take care of your friends, I have to check up on mine..."

And with that the two parted company, each to a similar task that would crush a lesser being.


	38. Chapter 38

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Does no one want me to leave Harry and Hermione alone?

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

While most of Hogwarts was caught in an eternal hug-fest, those surviving students that were missed were required to still attend some form of magical education. So Harry and Hermione's plans of waiting throughout the winter and spring for the train were curtailed as the Ministry's official goons, also known as the Aurors, swooped in and whisked them off to a special underground training facility somewhere on the Isle of Man.

This was the Ministry's Auror training facilities, and figured that it would serve the handful of survivors well enough for the time being. Those numbers were thinned by excuses as soon as the first of them noticed the Boy-Who-Lived was amongst their numbers. Fortunately they weren't allowed to go home to spread rumors of the decimation of one of the oldest, most-secure bastions of the light side to their relatives, instead they were put into a special program for Aurors that had survival instincts above those of their comrades. However, that is beside the point.

With his stalwart companion Hermione by his side, Harry prepared for the worst. One of the many things he hadn't expected was an instructor to come flying out of a room's door, trailing rainbow colored smoke in his wake while a voice inside asked, "Was that supposed to happen?"

A purple-haired Auror-in-training poked her head out into the hall to look at her teacher, only to stop when she caught sight of the two survivors of Hogwarts attempting to claw their way out of the suddenly locked doors at the end of the hallway. "Wotcher you two! Are you the new trainees from Hogwarts? They're recruiting younger and younger these days. Probably since they're dying younger and younger..." The girl offered, her words going from cheerful to grim in only those few sentences.

Harry summoned up all his courage as a Gryffindor to stop clawing at the exit and face his sanity's newest tormentor head-on. "Yes we're from Hogwarts, but not recruited. We just survived and they sent us here to finish out the year..." he explained with a nervous grin while listening to Hermione running through an actual list of unlocking charms and hexes.

"There's a difference?" The girl said, thinking about the horror stories she'd heard about Hogwarts recently, "You two, if you've survived, probably..."

Her pocket then gave off a soft buzz, then she sighed. "DON'T let anyone know I've got this," the girl grumbled, getting a pink cordless phone out of her pocket, and jabbing her wand at it, for The Doctor's voice to come out of it.

"Hi, Just wanted to ask Harry and Hermione if they survived the time snarl... oh yes, and to say this... Hello, Nymphadora!" He called out.

Harry barely had enough presence of mind to grab the back of Hermione's collar and drag her down to the ground as said pink device came hurtling towards them at a dangerous clip. "I take it you don't like that name?" the brave boy asked warily as he noticed the object didn't look too smashed up.

"No, I don't. And if you even tell anyone about that... little project of the Unspeakables that I decided to test, you'll end up getting the works since I'll switch your assignments," the-girl-with-a-hated-first-name growled dangerously as she picked up the phone and cast a repairing charm for the few scratches. "Call me Tonks."

"Yes ma'am," Harry and Hermione agreed rapidly as they wondered if it was too late to make a swim for Ireland, or France, or somewhere safe where they wouldn't have to put up with the crazy shi-stuff of the British Magical World.

"Let's see... you have to be Harry Potter," Tonks offered while looking the two over and sighing, "That must make your partner here Hermione Granger. The Doctor told me to expect you... and has so far caused me to almost destroy my phone fifteen times due to the fact I can't wring his neck for calling me that name!"

Not really seeing any way of commenting on that without getting her ire turned on them, the pair decided to remain silent. That silence stretched until the girl shifted her hair to bubblegum pink and waved them to follow her. "Come on you two, let's get you set up. You'll be sharing a suite with me since we can't spare the rooms to split you up, and the rest of your school mates ran for it."


	39. Chapter 39

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

A short break from poor Harry and Hermione

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* * *

Minister Fudge was not having a very good day. In fact he hadn't had a good day in so many weeks that he was beginning to wonder if he had been cursed by someone. It had started with the disaster of Hogwarts, and just seemed to build from there. Even today was horrible, despite having nothing egregious happening to him. First he had woken up late, then he burnt his toast, found roaches in his tea, and undercooked his eggs. After that there was some mundane problem at his office waiting for him.

Due to the nature of the Ministry, they only had a limited area in which they can expand magically. They had just reached the boundary for that expansion, and needed to expand through muggle means. And thus he found himself exploring the outermost reaches with two of his most trusted advisers. His senior-undersecretary and his agent in the DMLE to keep track of that troublesome Bones were helping him lead the expedition.

The impertinent Muggle government thought they could order him and his people to not expand where they wish, when he had merely sent them a letter to explain his intent and to give them a chance to prepare for the press for the minor disturbances such expansion would undoubtedly cause. Unfortunately for him that meant he was stuck dealing with their 'playful banter'.

"Hem hem... Yaxley, would you be so kind as to stop making that horrible hissing sound?" Umbridge moaned, suddenly catching the attention of the minister, as Yaxley wasn't making any noise. Unfortunately their attention was belated as a loud scream of metal rent the air, and suddenly the Undersecretary was no longer there. In her place was a blistering puddle of flesh and screams, while Fudge found himself dealing with an extra arm.

The oddest thing was when he turned to look at Yaxley, he found that the man was suddenly half his original height, and before the steam obscured his vision, he could see the man smile up at him with blood dripping from his lips. His dying words were perhaps not the most profound, but Fudge would remember them to his final moments. "Um... that's not your arm... it's mine..."

"Minister! Stay back, a steam line burst..." one of the men called out, trying to rescue him. Sadly if they had listened to their muggle counterparts, they would have known these lines were old, and prone to catastrophic and lethal failures unless handled properly.

The last thing the minister thought was that at least things couldn't get worse, right before it all erupted around him.

Several kilometres above, a blonde woman opened the release valve she'd 'accidentally' blocked, smiling to herself, before binning the letter the belated Minister had tried to send. "We wouldn't want him meddling in the changes we're doing, would we?" She mused, before skipping off, her latest mission complete.


	40. Chapter 40

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Sorry, busy week at work, short update.

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* * *

If anyone had asked Harry, he would have to admit that being a student of the special Hogwarts survivors' classes at the Auror academy was far better than he had been dreading. Sure there wasn't the laid-back atmosphere of Hogwarts, but he found that instead it was actually making it easier for him to focus. There seemed to be some great burden lifted from his brain in the militant school, and for the first time he wasn't just barely scraping by with Hermione's help.

Ducking under a parchment glider, he sighed as he realized just how completely and utterly his expectations of the adult wizarding world were proving utterly and completely false on so many levels. The first indicator that he was royally and utterly screwed, was that there had been little to no actual difference between Hogwarts and the Auror academy, save for the degree of difficulty in the spells.

Take the redhead sitting across from him, talking to a smaller black-haired guy about Quidditch results, while a brunette tried in vain to get them to study for some test in Moody's class. There was just something about it that he couldn't fully help but feel an almost intimate familiarity with. However, he just couldn't place his finger on why right now. Instead of focusing on that however, he had to complete the foot long essay on practical uses of explosive hexes for class tomorrow. It was odd that unlike Hogwarts, these classes met every day, but it also seemed to make it far easier for him to keep up with the homework.

Looking down the table he smiled faintly as he saw that Hermione was once again nose deep in one of their books. At last she seemed to be able to relax from their trying ordeals over the past few... eternities.

"Uh... oh..." Harry heard, and almost on instinct he and Hermione were under the table with their books set up in under a second as a pseudo-protective wall. Only this time, it was to be noted that they were not the only ones similarly hiding. Most of the teaching staff had gone to ground at the phrase, as had a few of the older students.

After a minute where nothing happened, Harry dared enough to lower one of the books and peek out nervously to see what new horror awaited him. What greeted him instead was the majority of the auror cadets looking around curiously, and one smiling sheepishly as she holds up a howler.

"Just a note from my folks, sorry..." Tonks offered as she tried to leave the room gracefully. It took a couple more minutes with no explosions or deaths before the entrenched populace emerged from their somewhat fortified positions to resume their supper, and other activities.


	41. Chapter 41

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Being sick sucks, forgetting to post an upload sucks too. Anyhow, the beta seems to like the OC used in the following chapter, what are your thoughts?

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* * *

It had been two months since Harry and Hermione started their terms at the Auror training academy, and it was time for a review of their performance. As far as they could tell, they had been not only holding their own with the rest of the class, but leading the grades. For Hermione it was basically par for the course, however for Harry he could only attribute it to the fact that it all seemed to be little more than Defense Against Dark Arts in various incarnations.

After waiting in the lobby of the career advisor, he was admitted into the dark office that reminded him of the dungeons that had once been his potions classroom. There was a dampness to the air that echoed the dank walls found under the Black Lake. The man seated behind the desk looked to have been carved from stone himself.

"Mr. Potter," the man stated in a voice that could only be compared to an avalanche. "I must admit surprise at both your progress, and that of Ms. Granger. Were I not to know better, I would almost suspect you both of cheating. Sadly it is to be said that the quality of education at this facility is lacking rather."

The man frowned as he turned over a sheet of paper, looking at a list of names. "In recent years, this academy has grown lax and soft in its standards, and allowed undesirable wizards and witches to become Aurors. Not because of any of this blood purity nonsense that is being bandied about in the ministry, but instead because of being unfit to serve their duties."

Harry sucked in his breath, realizing that this couldn't be good. And as the career counsellor shuffled more papers, he began to wonder just how bad it was going to be. "Now Mr. Potter... You have a great future ahead of you as cannon fod-" the man cut himself off in mid-word before clearing his throat and continuing. "I mean an auror. However, I believe that you might prefer another field... one that lets you combine your talents to their fullest... and might help with your little... antagonist."

"I'm listening..." Harry stated, not ready to agree to anything without knowing what he was in for. He'd learned that lesson from his blind faith in Dumbledore.


	42. Chapter 42

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Thinking of creating a blog for people to follow me on... what do you guys think?

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* * *

To say that the meeting with the career counsellor had been eye-opening was an understatement in Harry's opinion. Both he and Hermione seemed to come away from the meeting with new-found career goals and aspirations, including never becoming Aurors if they could help it. Lousy pay, no respect, mandatory bribes, and that was just for any Ministry position. Aurors ranked just above the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Office in terms of respect. Purebloods considered them a joke, and the other blood purities weren't much better if they knew the truth.

And the worst part was, the Ministry had actively restricted their powers to combat crime with many laws and bills. In fact, the only thing they could do most of the time was to stun any wizard and bring them in. Which was all well and good, save for the little fact that the criminal element would likely fling Unforgiveables at a whim. That's right, the ministry in its infinite wisdom was giving all the power into the hands of the criminals, for the 'public good'.

And so, armed with several packets of information on other jobs, they set off towards their suite of rooms to discuss their future. Never did it occur to them that the future might separate them, nor that they were a almost half a decade early for such heady discussions. Passing by Professor Adams, they took his kind offering of towels with indulgent smiles before tucking them into their packs. They didn't know why, but it just felt right to keep his gifts, and even though they had forty-one towels each back in their rooms, they never once said no. The instructor was a bit odd, but one of the nicest the school had. His classes on Probability Matrices was a bit too high level for them to take, but they still enjoyed hearing him talk in the student cafeteria, at least until his teacher's aide Martin showed up and started complaining.

Making it to their common room, they settled in on the couch and began reading over the brochures that they had gathered, weighing their options carefully. There was the Department of Mysteries, Hit Wizarding, Spell Researcher, even the Supreme Overlord course looked promising, until they saw that it was taught by Dumbledore. Even if they could trust him, he was currently snuggled up between Professors Snape and Hagrid.

At least that's what Harry and Hermione both told themselves that's what they saw. The fact that they were all naked, and things were in places they rightly shouldn't was completely blocked from their minds by a helpful, if overly enthusiastic search team member's Obliviation. And so they focused on trying to pick out a future that would benefit themselves, as well as those around them.

However, it was about the fifth pass through of the Supreme Overlord brochure that Harry felt something vibrating in the crack of the cushions behind him. After it startled him, he began to dig around to find it. A few knuts later, he pulled out a wand and looked at it carefully. It was a full twelve inches, and a bit thicker than most that he'd seen in use. A finite incantatem stopped the vibration, he was about to ask Hermione what was going on when a woman burst out of Tonks' room in a hurry.

They hadn't met her before, but the way she rushed about said that she knew the suite rather intimately. Perhaps she was one of the older students that Tonks had told them were sharing the rooms with them. The brunette woman began tearing open every nook and cranny of the common room, completely ignoring the two school-age students that were watching her with a stunned but curious expression.

"Excuse me?" Hermione interjected as the woman paused her searching to worry her lip and fret over what she was seeking. This caused her to whirl and gasp when she saw the two of them.

"Oh! Hello, sorry, I was looking for something and didn't notice you two here," the witch offered with a nervous smile as she walked over. "I'm Maya Fae... You must be Harry and Hermione. You wouldn't happen to have seen a wand around here, would you?"

"Harry just found one, is it yours?" Hermione chimed in, while Harry held out the object he'd found. What struck them both as odd was that the moment she saw the boy holding out the wand, her cheeks ignited a fiery red.

"Yes!" she squeaked out while taking it from Harry with almost exaggerated care. "See I was doing some studying with a friend last night and... I guess I forgot all about it when I packed up..."

"Oh... do you have a delay spell on it?" Harry asked as she put the wand into a holster on her wrist.

"No I don't, why do you ask?"

"It was vibrating when I found it," Harry answered plainly, pondering why her face suddenly turned ashen. "I wouldn't have found it at all if it hadn't start vibrating so... why was your wand vibrating?"

"It... it's a... it's a special wand... it's like a personal massage..." Maya answered nervously without meeting their eyes. "When it senses tension in a person it begins vibrating to allow them to work out their tight spots..."

"Oh, okay..." Harry agreed, a little weirded out about why she would get so flustered over something so simple. However, he shrugged it off and returned to his research without giving it another thought. Hermione on the other hand nodded her head over to the corner of the room and stood up.

Once they were somewhat isolated, it was Maya's turn to be surprised. Hermione was fidgeting so badly and kept glancing around that it was almost adorable, until she asked the question that floored the older woman. "W... where can I get a wand like that?"

It was right then and there that Maya swore off lying forever more.


	43. Chapter 43

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

More of the fun for Harry and Hermione.

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* * *

Due to the inability to decide upon any of the career paths for their future, the two remained at the Auror Academy for the time being. This meant that they suffered through classes that assured Hogwarts of being the premier institute of learning in Magical Europe. Lessons were almost a joke with how easily the two students - who by all rights should be in their second year - were passing them.

Considering the most complicated thing being taught was how to duck, dodge, or otherwise survive long enough to fire a stunner thanks to various laws, regulations, and outright bribes by the pureblood elites, it made one fear for the school. However, there was one month a year that the students either anticipated or dreaded, depending on their leanings.

That month the current instructors went into 'retraining' and the substitutes came out. One was the career councillor who took the opportunity to teach tactics and improvised munitions with common spells. Harry and Hermione would never look at Wingardium Leviosa the same way again after what the instructor did with the pencil and the sleeping student's face. Needless to say, History of Magic might just be a bit more fun if it was ever reinstated.

But the teacher that most students looked forward to was one Mad-Eye Moody, the Defense substitute. He was completely and utterly sick of seeing Aurors that couldn't think of a single way to subdue an opponent without a stunner, let alone do something like kill them. And this meant he took it out upon the current batch of students.

"Now, According to the current Auror training manual, the best way to defend yourself is with spells like Stupefy or Expelliarmus," Moody stated as he stalked the front of the room, his good eye locked upon the students while his magical one whipped about almost randomly. "However..."

During the brief pause, he whipped out his wand and thrust it towards a wall with a cry of "REDUCTO!" before a wall sconce exploded in a shower of stone and metal bits. Moody smirked as all the students save two jumped in their seats at the explosion. Those two were under their desks with chairs flying in front of them before his wand had even cleared its holster. Sidestepping the flung chairs, he chuckled darkly as he heard them crash against the blackboard.

"That is a much more effective way. Now, can anyone please tell me why that spell isn't used?" he asked calmly while watching the two students who had flung their chairs at him begin to emerge from under the desks. There was potential in these two.

"Because it would hurt someone, or leave telltale traces of magic, and we wouldn't want that," the boy-who-lived chimed in, the sarcasm going over the heads of most of those assembled, while his female partner in crime glared angrily, though there was a twitch of a smile at the corner of her lips.

Deciding that he liked these kids, he put them on his prospective students list, with a couple of warning flags. "Very good Mr. Potter, now let us review what the class did wrong, that you and Ms. Granger did right..."

At the collective groan from the rest of the students, he realized that this month was about to be a VERY fun on


	44. Chapter 44

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Fun fact: I have absolutely no idea what's happening when I'm writing this story half the time, the characters and plot move themselves along and I'm just chronicling it.

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* * *

"ATTENTION STUDENTS!" Mad-eye shouted at the top of his lungs, waking up the few that had dared to try and rest at three in the morning. It stood out in his mind that the two youngest students hadn't been in this group in the first place, and that they were joined by a few other students with their wands drawn and zeroed in on him.

"This is the start of your final exam to pass MY class," the retired auror continued with a demented grin on his face. Some of the students had been looking forward to this day for nearly the entire month, it meant that their substitute would be gone until next year, and they could finally get a full night of sleep. "Now, I realize some of you might think I'm a little harsh and unfair, and you'd be damn right about that. That is because the enemy won't be anything less. And thus for this final, anyone scoring less than Ms. Hermione Granger will be failed for the year."

At the various sounds of protest from around the room, he couldn't help but smiling evilly. "And before any of you namby-pamby auror wannabes consider going to the dean about this, it's been pre-approved, after Ms. Granger was found to be paranoid and thinking that everyone was planning to kill her or worse. There is one student far worse than her, so I am giving you a little leeway."

A half-second later, he blasted apart a chunk of masonry that had come sailing at the back of his head, getting a curse out of the student that had been controlling it. "Not bad, Mr. Potter... Getting me first would have been quite the feat!"

Sadly he hadn't seen the rather large wooden ball that had been in the shadow of the masonry which clonked him firmly against the head. Unfortunately for the students hoping to pass, it didn't drop him like a load of bricks. Strangely enough it just made him start laughing. Two pairs of hands grabbed the student's arms and dragged her into the relative security of a bunker. "Nice shot, Hermione, but I think next time we use something heavier."

"Good idea, Tonks... if there's a next time," Harry agreed as blasts began exploding around their little hideout. "So... I think this test is going well..."

"You would..." Tonks began, just before a shuddering groan came from behind them, and she swore as a blue light began to light the chamber, "Oh fuck, last time I saw him, I ended up pretending to be Madame Du Pomadour while he took her for a date in 22nd Century France!"


	45. Chapter 45

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Does anyone even read these anymore? Well if you do, attach the word 'dim-dum' for a sneak peek into something I'm working on as an original work.

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* * *

Now, Harry and Hermione had seen many things in their multiple repetitions of time at Hogwarts, but it was still rather disturbing to see the woman they had come to respect and almost trust driving a wand into the face of their friend. Maybe she wasn't as sane as they had thought.

"Umm... Oops?" The Doctor offered with a slight bead of sweat trickling down the side of his head. "Look, you weren't meant to come back with us. You were meant to be st- ahem... I'm sorry I had you filling in for people and companions when they were not available, like that time with Dorothy's relapse..."

"Dorothy's relapse, River's pregnancy, when are you going to tell Luna that-" Tonks began, for The Doctor to silence her.

"Spoilers, as my wife would say." He stated firmly, "Anyway, Yes, I admit that, for a while, I was abusing your gifts for my benefit, since it was a lot easier than explaining away why someone was suddenly not as energetic as usual or unable to attend classes or..."

"Anyway, What are you going to do about this?" Tonks asked hotly while her wand drew closer to The Doctor's eye, "I can't really stay here, I've already graduated!"

"Haven't you ever wanted a second childhood?" The Doctor asked sheepishly as he pointed to his sonic screwdriver.

"Considering that Snape is still going to be an absolute pain in the ass?" Tonks snapped her eyes narrowing dangerously, "Anyway, don't you need to go back for your daughter?"

"Oh, Luna has her own TARDIS, and perfectly capable of handling herself," the last surviving Gallifreyan answered as though he didn't have a wand ready to stab his eyes out, let alone what the spells it could unleash could do. "Besides now you have two good friends to have some wonderful mischief with, and I hear there's supposed to be two others that would join in the fun..."

"Who else is stuck in these time loops?" Harry asked, worriedly, "I know me, Hermione, Luna, Tonks and you are, as well as you, and you, and you, and-"

"Yes, yes, we don't need to do that joke," The Doctor agreed, giving a slight chuckle, "I meant rather that the Weasley Twins just need a little motivation to aid you in mucking about with the Potions Master."

"You give them a rotten egg, and there's a 50/50 chance they'll use it to turn him into a slightly obese but competent potions teacher," Hermione joked.

"The Robotnik experiment only works the other way round, Ms. Granger." The Doctor stated, dryly, "But good try."

"What's the setup that we're going to be thrust into the timeline?" Harry asked, dreading the answer.

"Well, Ms. Tonks will obliviate Mr Weasley into forgetting he pissed his pants and ran, causing the original Mr. Potter to be smashed against the wall, just before the original Ms. Granger ended up smeared on the adjoining wall." The Doctor stated with slumped shoulders, "Not pretty, not nice, but you have to replace the dead while the remains are removed from sight."

"We're dead?" Hermione asked in a somewhat stunned voice. "We died... because Ron ran away?"

"He makes a wonderful distraction, a exemplary chess player but a terrible companion." The Doctor stated, "Anyway, YOU are not dead. Otherwise, I'd need to go to another universe, because you can't really replace the dead with just-as-dead. It doesn't work that way. Or I'd not exactly be as lonely during class reunions for my graduating class from Prydon Academy... Well, admittedly, the entire planet's destroyed, so they don't do them anymore."

Hermione sighed as she put her forehead into her hand. There was just something about him that really made it difficult to follow his logic half the time.

"Anyway, who knows where I can store 168 towels? I was told to keep them safe by some odd professor just before I collected you." The Doctor then stated, and Hermione revised her thought. It was always difficult to follow his logic.

"Find a guy named Arthur Dent, he'll accept them gladly," Tonks snapped coldly.

"Already gave him 1764 of them. He doesn't need a single towel extra," The Doctor stated, "Or time and space will collapse. Trillian told me so."

"Just drop them on Ron, he probably will need it since he's wetting himself..." Hermione growled at him abandoning the two of them to their deaths in this universe.

"Already going to drop a spare 42 on him. Well, Professor Adams wasn't able to give him any towels. He gave me 42, you 42, Harry 42, Tonks 42, Moody 42... I don't know why, but he only gave 41 people towels..."

"We'll look into it another time..." Harry answered with a sigh. "So, we're going to be filling in for ourselves, and...?"

There was a loud crunch and squelching sound, and the Doctor looked out of the door. "Umm, you will NOT need to fight the troll. Although you might want to get the police box shaped dent out of the corpse. Can someone help me pull the TARDIS out of it?" He asked worryingly chipper, "Now I know why I don't take River's suggestions about silent running normally..."

"We have to get into position for the teachers to find our 'corpses'," Hermione answered while dragging Harry out, as Tonks prepared to help the Doctor drag the TARDIS out of the hole and to make the corpse look a lot less like it was killed by a drive-by collision during temporal travel.

Just as the blue box disappeared, a high-pitched voice cried out from the hallway, "Harry Potter's DEAD!"

"No, I'm just sleeping off a really bad headache!" Harry yelled back, "And you just made it worse!"

"Wha? I... you... but... smooched..." Ron screamed while pointing at Harry and the area of the wall where he'd been a pasty pink and red smear, but was now bare of anything but troll guts from the crash. The troll itself looked like a lucky blasting hex caught it in a soft spot, rather than what it had before.

"I got lucky..." a shaky female voice offered from next to Hermione. "If Harry hadn't distracted it with his levitation spell, Hermione and I would have been girl patties, instead of able to find a chink in its flesh to kill it..."

"I'm swearing off odd flavors of Bertie Bott's," Ron muttered, the teachers deducting points from him for unduly scaring the faculty, while the four Gryffindors headed for their dorms.

"Hey Ron... I'm going to stop hanging out with you..." Harry stated after a few feet. "I think Hermione and Pandora need me as a friend more..."

"Well, if you say so," Ron huffed, "Don't expect anything off me in the future."

"Maybe you can make friends with someone a lot better," Harry offered quietly. "I think that Seamus guy wanted to challenge you to a game of chess..."


	46. Chapter 46

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Let the suffering continue!

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* * *

It had been one week, three days, and four hours since the newly reformed Golden Trio restarted their education at Hogwarts once again. For once, things at Hogwarts had been quiet and peaceful for the student population. However, that was rather boring, and unimportant, so we won't be going into that.

Instead let us focus upon the happenings of one of those blissful, peaceful meals which didn't end with someone going to their dorms in a straightjacket. Harry was seated with Hermione and Pandora enjoying an intellectually stimulating discussion about the benefits and disadvantages of various stages of astrometrical development could play upon magic from simple spells to grand wards like those around Hogwarts. There was however a rather blatant disturbance to any Gryffindor student past their first day.

The Weasley twins were snickering behind their hands.

Now, it's important to note that this wasn't one of their post prank laughs, or even a laugh at a joke, this was reserved for when a prank was just about to be set off. That tended to cause every person with any brains surrounding them to immediately stop their current activities and go on high alert. This obviously meant that only the trio were watching them warily, while all the others continued to eat.

It was just before dessert that the prank revealed itself. The entire hall went deathly silent as the potions master rose from his spot at the head table. With a flare of his robe he swept up onto the table and music began to swell from thin air. A power chord rippled through the entire room, drawing the attention of most of the students, particularly those raised with contact to the muggle world. As a drum synth sound began to pump out the beat, Snape swirled to stride towards the center of the table, his eyes locked upon Dumbledore. "I should have known better than to let you go alone," Snape began singing while approaching the grinning headmaster whose eyes twinkled merrily at the display. "It's times like these, I can't make it on my own. Wasted days, and sleepless nights, and I can't wait to see you again."

Three seats from the headmaster, he dropped down to his hands and knees, crawling sensually towards the elderly man with a devious smile on his face. "I find I spend my time waiting on your owl," Snape practically purred with glee, "How can I tell you, Alby? My back door will make you howl! I need you deep inside, to tell me it's alright, 'Cos I don't think I can take anymore..."

A few of the quicker students understood what exactly he meant by these phrases, and began turning a disturbing shade of green. As a couple of the seventh years began covering the eyes of first years around in a hurry, a few sixth years put up silencing charms around the others as fast as they could. "Is this love that I'm feeling? Is this the love, that I've been searching for? Is this love or am I dreaming?" Snape sang out proudly while running his fingers along Dumbledore's beard. Oh how Harry wished that he and his associates of the feminine gender had sat with the rest of the first years, instead of at the end of the table closest to the staff. They had no protection from the song and molest-show going on before them. "This must be love, 'cos it's really got a hold on me," Severus continued, paying no heed to the rest of the staff drawing their wands to try and protect some of the innocence of the students watching, the initial shock having worn off. "A hold on me..."

As the red stunners knocked the potions master to the ground, Albus cleared his throat and stood up before the entire assemblage of students. "Well, this has been most entertaining... I think some dessert in the houses' common rooms while we sort out this matter is in order... Prefects, if you would please?"

No one moved an inch at that, in fact it was a good five minutes before the first vestige of life appeared in the stunned student body, and that was Harry turning to his two compatriots with a slightly worrying smile. "Last one to the Giggle Rooms wants a private encore!"

As the three raced out of the Great Hall towards the nice padded rooms in the Gryffindor Tower and Hufflepuff Halls, everyone else surged as one to try and find these rooms first. After all, nobody wanted a private showing, save one.

One blonde boy at the Slytherin table simply smiled and waited, hoping to have something juicy to tell his father about for once.


	47. Chapter 47

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Anyone want to guess what's next?

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* * *

After a round of neural cleansing for the entire student body, and a good amount of the staff, life in Hogwarts was about as normal as it possibly could be. Students were eating, laughing, attending class, and generally having a wonderful time exploring the wonders of the magical world oblivious to the fact that their potions master had just sang a soulful a cappella ballad to their headmaster just a few nights prior.

However, two students knew from the very taste of chartreuse in the back of their throats that something or someone had obliviated them. The way that they knew this was simply through sheer rote repetition of times having their memories modified. They'd come to ignore the feeling that something was 'missing' in their minds after the first five times of pursuing that feeling and breaking down in a cold sweat and the shakes. They really got sick of reliving those horrible feelings and decided it was best to just try and get on with their life.

Some day they would have to face their terrors, but for now it allowed them to go on with their lives to simply bottle away those hellish memories.

When they informed the third member of their party, she agreed that they had the best idea for now, as long as they were going to eventually face that which they were running from. When asked if she would be facing it, she politely declined and pointed out that she was allowed to be a hypocrite.

As one all the heads turned to look at the elderly headmaster (who had received such a touching and lovely love song recently that few could remember and fewer still wanted to) stood up and cleared his throat. "Students, as you might have noticed our Defence Against Dark Arts instructor Professor Quirrell is no longer here, and thus we had to fill his role at the last moment. I wish to assure you that the rumors of his turning into ash and releasing a horrid black wraith-like creature into the night is completely unfounded. He simply had a family emergency and could no longer perform his duties, however he gave me plenty of time to find and hire replacements."

"Please welcome our new Defence teachers: Rupert Giles, Buffy Summers and Wil-" Dumbledore started before a slashing motion across the throats of two of the new people caught his attention. The girl walked over and handed the aged professor a note, which he read before continuing, "Ahem, I apologize, it seems that the third instructor is Spike, unlike I was previously informed."

"Right then, I'm off!" announced the Slytherin Vlad, shortly before Buffy discreetly took out a crossbow and fired, turning him to dust before he even got up out of his seat. "Anyone else?" She asked sweetly, as if nothing had happened.

That's when it happened. It was a sound that every person at Hogwarts knew and had come to dread. It started as a simple soft giggling noise in the background of their attention, then it would slowly grow, building in volume and queerness as the seconds tick by. It would be the same two students every time, and like clockwork the teachers all stood as one and drew their wands.

"OK, first we'll do the Slytherins," Rupert stated matter-of-factly, polishing his glasses as the trio ignored the others launching spells at the giggling duo, "Anyone else want to admit being a creature of the night?"

"Mind if we just join in the fun?" Spike asked, pointing to the melee.

"Now I know why we came to England... To escape the mayhem and occasional town-falling-into-hell." Buffy declared with a shrug, "Just need to check... Has anywhere around here fallen into Hell because someone got too good at slaying their demons yet?"

"Umm, not for thirty-five years..." Dumbledore stated, looking at the impassive Giles, who shrugged helplessly, as Buffy and Spike tried to decide whether to defend the duo or not.

"We only had the one recently," he offered in defense of the question, "And we had pretty much planned to slay every monster in Sunnydale before it happened anyway."

Shortly after that, Spike just jumped over the teacher's table, literally turning feral before he started beating up the students who attacked the giggling duo, as Buffy followed with a similar shrug to Giles. Dumbledore had to admit, in hindsight, they were very effective at defence, since a strong offense was best for that. Now if only he could convince them of trying some less lethal means of subduing the students.

At least five already had turned to ash in Slytherin house already... and Professor Binns had just quit, rather forcefully, muttering something about, "You're going to call New York for your next DADA professors, aren't you?"

This was not a good day for preaching about the Greater Good, and he just looked at Snape, shrugged, and prepared for the usual obliviations. It was such a pity that they had staked Snape by mistake, and his blood was soaking into the wood of the chair he was not affixed to, but thus were the casualties of war... at least Dumbledore could still use his body.

Now he just had to remember that lubrication spell. And what did the more mature of the trio of professors mean when he said "Buffy, that wasn't a vampire you staked then..."

Ah well, those were the risks in having blood purity in Slytherin House, they tend to imitate cold, heartless monsters after a while.


	48. Chapter 48

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

This episode brought to you by the letter V! Special reward to any that post "Bubblegum Bombers" in their reviews.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

It had been several days since the slaughter of students, both vampiric and non, and the survivors of Hogwarts were all working out ways to continue doing just that. Some had taken to eating tons of garlic and walking outside in the full sunshine, as well as several other known activities prohibited to vampires. Others had taken to showing that they were of the clans that were either utterly harmless, ridiculously stupid, or had packs to prevent any harm to humans.

There was nothing like seeing a group of Slytherin students dressed up like vampiric bunnies, attempting to drain the juice out of carrots. However that wasn't the problem at this point in time, no, the matter was that one of the students had made a fatal flaw in his disguise. "Cedric mate... lay off the body glitter, you're not that type of vampire..." a seventh year Hufflepuff offered softly while patting the younger boy on the shoulder.

With that the seventh year pushed him into the showers, which turned on before he could even strip off his clothing. Damn that Olympic Coven over in the states for putting the idea that vampires are supposed to glitter into the minds of young wizards and witches the world over. While it was true they were mostly harmless, they still had a kill on sight order from most of the universe. One that he couldn't fully understand.

It only got worse when you got to the fact that the coven had made it a habit of circulating rumors that most of the usual ways of killing them were invalid. This led to a vast majority of their coven being slaughtered by vampire hunters the world over taking it as a direct challenge. When the coven was reduced to a mere five members, the leaders sent out a peace treaty to the various hunter organizations in order to stop them from being completely wiped out.

"Did you hear? The Board of Governors have sacked the Defense teachers for breaching a clause in their contracts," Justin Finch-Fletchley asked as he walked into the showers, removing the caps over his pronounced canine teeth. "We can stop faking being wimpy vampires and go back to fake caring about grades."

"WHAT?" a voice cried out from a neighboring stall, out of which emerged the creature from the purple pits. Apparently Zacharias Smith had been talking to one of the muggle-born students as he was dressed as a traditional count, however every inch of his body was covered in purple dye. "I just spent hours doing this make-up!"

"How many?" someone asked curiously.

"One, one hour! Ah-hah-hah-hah! Two! TWO HOURS! Ah-hah-hah-hah! Three! THREE HOURS! AH-HAH-HAH-HAH!" Zacharias counted out loud while thrusting up his fingers, somewhere lightning crashed. Outside of Hufflepuff Halls, in the kitchen Harry and Hermione were looking over the Italian pasta selections for tonight. The two had chosen to go out as Gomez and Morticia Addams, and to prevent the insanity from setting in for them once again they used loud humming to block out the various noises of craziness around them. However, no matter how loud they might hum, they could swear that there was the sound of a loud finger snapping.


	49. Chapter 49

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Who can guess what's coming next?

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Da da da dum..." Harry hummed, for a double finger-snap to come from a unseen set of fingers, "Yup, we're still going to need the outfits today."

Harry and Hermione entered the Great Hall for him to initially think Lucius Malfoy had been employed to fill the DADA position, although the dark-haired man and the blonde haired woman with him didn't seem familiar at all. Finding a nice, safe spot at the opposite end of the hall from the new trio until they were certain of them, the duo pinned their backs to the wall with escape routes easily within reach. "Twenty Galleons say this is going to suck for us."

"Ahem, due to the fact the previous DADA teachers from America attempted to massacre the Slytherin House, I have employed some teachers from Romania. They are Al-" Dumbledore began, for the white-haired man to cough.

"Adrian Tepes. My father gave me that name, and I absolutely hate it." The man said, Dumbledore nodding.

"OK, Adrian Tepes, Maria Renard, and Richter Belmont..." Dumbledore said, for there to suddenly be whispered voices all across the Slytherin and Ravenclaw tables, the latter getting out books and cross-referencing them. There were twin smoke outlines followed with two vapor trails out of the great hall, which caused Harry and Hermione to watch in envy.

"Tepes, Tepes, Tepes... Oh... Shit." Hermione muttered as she thought about the three people, "Harry, I know of only one Tepes in history, Vlad The Impaler."

"Just give it a moment, I want to see how bad this is going to get before we need another round of neural cleansing," Harry agreed while checking to make sure his wand was readily accessible.

"But Harry, I think Adrian's father is DRACULA!" Hermione said, the last word rather too loud, 'Adrian' face palming before bedlam began to erupt as everyone else realized what she'd said.

"They'll never recognise my parentage you said, go by my mortal name you said..." Alucard snapped at Maria, "Next time, I'm using your family name, my dear."

"Well, How do we explain we live in Romania?" Maria asked, for him to slide a brochure for Beaubaxtons over to her, which she began reading.

"Or you could have said you went to Durmstrang... Seriously, it'd be in your backyard..." one of the random students near the front called out. Everyone chose to ignore his name, because it was only Neville.

"Actually, we rent out the old castle to Durmstrang during the school year." Alucard answered with a heavy sigh, "They just agree not to use the parts of the castle my father hasn't been cleared out of."

"So... are you here to kill off half the remaining student population?" the whiny snivelling coward known as Ronald Billius Weasley asked in an attempt at sarcasm. The fact was that the majority of the entire student body were getting out shielding objects and hiding behind the scarred tops of the house tables. If it wasn't for the fact that the House Elves simply summoned fresh and clean tables to put the food on, this might have just been Hogwarts as normal. Now the students had food and drink, while being able to defend themselves from fortified positions.

"My wife here told me no feeding on the students!" Alucard snapped, pointing at Maria, "She's the main one doing the teaching, we're just here because someone thinks the post is cursed, even more than most cursed positions."

"Like Count Of Castlevania?" Richter said dryly.

"Har har." Alucard said, "Death claims the curse on this position actually got eliminated a few weeks ago, but the screening process is deplorable."

"Did you get that one regulation? Must target at least one student per year?" Richter asked with a puzzled look on his face.

Maria got out a staff on which a aged owl sat, "Ms. Granger, will you come with me later, and we'll do a discussion on familiars."

"YOU SHALL NOT TAKE HER ALIVE!" Harry shouted, his wand at the ready as he pulled Hermione down behind the table. Three bursts of stunners later and he was trying to get Hermione out of the Great Hall.

"There goes teaching someone how to summon five different kinds of animals with simple incantations," Maria muttered as the two ran into the hallways, "I'll leave her a primer."

"Ah, I'm sorry about them, they are rather... stressed since the troll incident," Dumbledore offered while holding out a tin of lemon drops, offering them to the only member of the trio of teachers to have managed to dodge the stunners. "I must say, I haven't seen a staff like that before..."

"It's my magical focus," Maria explained, muttering a few words for a fairly large book to appear, "Ms. Lovegood, I know you're there. Be sure that Ms. Granger gets this primer."

"There is no Lovegood here until ne-" Dumbledore began to explain before a blonde woman stormed up to the staff table, snatched up the primer and stormed away again. "What?"

"You saw nothing," Maria stated, then stood up before pulling out a six inch long metal wand that extended out showing off a flashing red light, "I think that you need to call the Hellsing organization, we were never here."


	50. Chapter 50

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Thanks for all the reviews, and due to the rather hectic schedule I have for the upcoming week(s) expect another early update next week Wednesday... however there is an important milestone coming up that I think will be done at the regular time. Stay tuned!

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Harry peeked around the corner cautiously with a mirror, his face a frown of displeasure. Ever since the last batch of Defence instructors, he had been on edge. This was for much more than just their collective sanity, this was for Hermione's safety. If a defence teacher was particularly interested in a student, it was a bad thing for the student and their friends. He couldn't trust anything until they had a new instructor again that focused solely on killing and/or training him to do incredibly powerful feats of magic well beyond his current class level. Hermione had to be kept safe at all costs. That was his only thought as they made their way carefully down to the Great Hall for lunch.

There were rumors that the other teachers had left, and that Dumbledore was already negotiating for replacements. But it was almost impossible for them to have gotten new teachers within a single day of having lost the old ones. Hermione was currently reading a book she'd found in her book bag.

"Hmm, Did you know that there are four elemental beasts in the world, and they can be summoned if you contract them? It even has a very detailed description of the ritual, with several annotations..." Hermione muttered softly while turning the page in her book, "Things like 'Do not do some of these spells within a muggle environment and/or room of smaller than 1 square acre. They need a lot of space for the initial summoning, and you WILL be noticed if you do it in a monitored location'... I didn't know they monitored muggle areas..."

"How else do you think that they knew Dobby cast magic in my house?" Harry asked, his paranoia having made a lot of his history interesting, even if he couldn't remember the vast majority of it. He didn't even know who Dobby was, just that he cast magic in Harry's house once and got him into a load of trouble.

"That's barbaric. No wonder wizards get their homework done so much easier over the holidays. Someone shou-" Hermione began, for Harry to shush her.

"Maybe when you won't be obliviated on the spot for getting on your soapbox." Harry hissed at her.

"To be fair Harry, we have asked for many of those Obliviations... I think... at least that's what our journal entries show..." Hermione started, drifting off as a confused look crossed her face.

"How much can we trust anything really?" Harry asked bitterly as he led her down the final stretch of hallway to make it to the Great Hall, "The only people I trust are you, The Doctor and Luna, and that's only because they haven't... totally intentionally... got us nearly killed. I still have to wonder about the Sontarians... and the Daleks... and the Cybermen..."

Hermione nodded as they arrived at the Great Hall to find every surviving member of Hogwarts' populace gathered, facing towards where the Staff table had been. In its place was a blackboard with the words 'vampire' and 'nosferatu' while several arrows surrounded a girl that looked like she should be in Seventh Year, if it wasn't for the fact that she was wearing a tight police uniform that showed off her rather ample 'assets' sticking out front. Not only that, but also the entirety of Seventh Year had either died or fled, and those were the lucky ones.

Turning their attention to the left a little bit, they found a scary looking woman wearing a formal men's business suit and smoking a thin cigar. It probably didn't help that she had a scowl on her face, and her eyes were hiding behind the glare on her glasses.

"Ah, good..." Dumbledore started as soon as the doors closed behind the two students, "Everyone is here for the big announcement... Good afternoon everyone, it is my pleasure to announce that we have found a replacement Defense instructor, two of them in fact."

With a wave of his hand, all the lights seemed to focus upon the busty girl in front of the blackboard and the scary lady. "Please welcome our new professors Seras Victoria," Dumbledore stated to get a shy wave from the girl before continuing, "and Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, a member of the Convention of Twelve, a Protestant Knight, and the leader of the prestigious Hellsing Organization..."

It was at this moment one of the Gryffindor students, a redhead by name of Ronald Weasley, stood up and leaned in to inspect Seras, standing nearly even with her chin, naturally his eyes were directly in front of him. "You're a vampire?"

"Oh no, not again." Hermione heard someone mutter next to her, before finding that their friend Luna had appeared next to her with nary a whisper. A second later, she was ushering them behind the nearest table, "He did this with Lina, and blew up the school, and now he's going to cause something similar, I know it."

Fortunately for the structural stability of the school as a whole, the only thing that happened was Ron getting his forehead flicked, and then being embedded into the back wall of the fireplace on the opposite end of the hallway. Seras sighed as she lowered her pinkie, looking towards Sir Hellsing. "Sir, I..."

"Nonsense, Seras, you did just as instructed, he's just a lightweight..." Integra answered with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Students! This is a vampire, and yes she might be the least among her kind, having yet to drink blood fresh from a human, but do not let that fool you. She can, and if needed, will kill you should you threaten her or me during our stay here. Now, I am a 'muggle' as you might say, however my family has been granted special permission to know about the Wizarding World, because we save normal humans from the creatures that you cannot. Our tools are things that you snub, and these are what we are going to be teaching you to use. If you have any problem with that, submit your complaints to your Heads of House so I can ignore them."

Dumbledore sighed heavily as he, and the rest of the teaching staff, placed their faces into their palms and sighed as one. However, it was his muttering, "Perhaps I should have asked Miss Swan to instru-" that was cut off by a butter knife being blasted off of one table and into his eye socket.

As every head turned to look at who had killed Dumbledore, a perfectly innocent looking Hufflepuff girl calmly stroked her long blonde hair, and batted her pale blue eyes as she smiled sweetly. "Sorry, it slipped..."

"Miss Pandora! Fifty points from Hufflepuff and detention for this month with me-" McGonagall started for Integra to march forward and lean down to inspect the blonde, smiling wickedly as the hair began to shrink and turn to a mousey brown.

"Ah... a metamorph... Headmistress, if it is alright, I have a personal interest in this one... she and those two students pointing their wands at me from behind the table over in the corner will serve their detentions with me this month," Integra ordered calmly, her eyes locking with those of the stern newly-promoted Headmistress in a fierce battle of wills. A few students that had been between the two promptly dove out of the way as lightning and flames flashed between the two.

It almost seemed like a stalemate as these two titans of imperial meins battled for dominance before Minerva sighed and nodded her head in acquiescence. "Very well Sir Hellsing, I really must begin catching up on paperwork... and picking a new Deputy Headmaster... and I suppose a Transfiguration instructor as well..."

The two paranoid students shared a fearful look at each other as they realized that their survival instincts had just netted them detention... again... for the fifth time this month...


	51. Chapter 51

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Another early update this week due to early mornings. Sorry if this is throwing any of you readers off. Also, have a blog over on tumblr so feel free to talk to me. silentmagi . tumblr. com

It hosts my original works, and anything I don't feel comfortable posting on . I'd love to get some reviews over there too.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Harry groaned inwardly as Hermione and he settled down for Defence Against the Dark Arts with their new professors. It was not going to be fun having these two for detention tonight. If they followed through with the usual procedure of the substitute teachers, they would review the books and pick up from what the class could remember from the previous lesson they actually attended. Right now they might be able to remember the first few minutes of a lesson that Harry and Hermione might just remember from quite possibly a previous year or two, as this year seemed to be just one nightmare after another.

And thus it was that the teachers were reviewing their chosen books for the year, with a strange expression that was nearly impossible to read properly. Finally as some bell chimed in the distance, Integra looked up at the assembled class and sighed heavily, snuffing her cigar. "Alright class, let's take a look at the text..." she began before lifting the book in her hand similar to how one might heft a chunk of rotting flesh. Turning the pages she droned, "Junk... junk... lies... junk... junk... text... that's an outright load of shit, crap, junk, lies... okay class, there's nothing we can learn from this."

As Integra concluded her announcement, she tossed it over her shoulder, smirking as an eight red-eyed pitch black dog leaped out of the very ground and snapped it up in its jaws. "Let's learn something actually useful."

With but a snap of her fingers, the vampiress that had given many a young wizard pleasant daydreams pulled out a gun that was longer than she was tall, and probably outweighed her by several kilos. "This is the Hellsing ARMS Anti-Midian Cannon 'Harkonnen', Seras's own personal weapon. It weighs about 60 kilograms, uses 30 millimeter single-shot breech loaded shells of various uses. This is possibly the strongest of all weapons that we have available."

"As you might have realized, there are multiple ways in which ordinary humans can defend themselves against vampires and other dark creatures that break the truce you wizards have with them," Integra continued drawing the sword she wore at her hip, while patting the Sig-Sauer p266 on the other hip. "These are my personal weapons. This blade is blessed silver, hand forged in purified fires from a melted church cross. The bullets are silver and mercury with phosphorus cores. Now you might recognize these metals as being the most magically reactive, and phosphorus I can tell from the reaction of a few of you is virtually unknown to most wizards. For those that do not know, it is a chemical element that comes in two flavors normally, white and red. when it is exposed to oxygen it burns at an intense level. There are no known ways to extinguish it, and thus it's commonly used in flares."

"For those that are worried, our weapons are currently unloaded, with the safeties on. For those that aren't worried, that means we cannot shoot anyone with them in two separate ways. To compare this in wizarding terms, it would be like removing the core from your wands, and then sealing them in lead," Integra finished, drawing a collective sigh from the muggle-born and raised students in attendance, some of them even lowered the steel plates they'd raised in front of their desks.

"Mr. Potter... Miss Granger..." Integra stated with a heavy voice as she noticed just who hadn't lowered their shields. "Thirty points each for understanding that even being told that a weapon is safe doesn't make it so. In fact, the blade being drawn in my hand put a lie to the entire thought."

"Further, Mr. Potter, please tell me why you and Miss Granger have your wands drawn since the first moment that you saw us draw weapons," Integra ordered firmly as she saw the bits of wood peeking out around the metal shields.

"That's because... umm... experience has taught us that when DADA teachers are armed, some student is bound to get hurt," Harry started before waving his free hand towards Hermione. "We don't want it to be us... as I'm pretty sure there's some clause in the contract that means we're free game for target practice..."

"An interesting observation for a first year to make..." Integra stated calmly while her eyes narrowed in focus at the Boy-Who-Lived. "I will have to keep my eyes on you both..."

The gulp from the two of them was nearly audible over the sound of the other students moving as far from the two of them as possible. "Let us begin our real lesson for today..."

A quick glance out of the corner of his eye told him that Hermione was thinking the same thing. Integra knew that they had more than just a couple months of experience, or at least suspected as much. And that meant they were in trouble, there was probably some sort of horrible kill-on-sight rule for any wizard found in a time-loop like the one they're in, and to be honest dying wasn't high on their list of things to do.


	52. Chapter 52

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

This is update 52, a rather important number as it serves to mark my one year of uninterrupted publishing of this story on a weekly basis. I'm so happy that so many people have enjoyed the ride thus far, and hope many more will come along for the next year. And now a word from the beta:

I get heaps of satisfaction for my vengeful and Celtic side (three-eighths of my genetic heritage, the other five bits you do not want to know), which can hold a grudge for literally decades_, out of Series of unfortunate overhearings_, silentmagi's fantastically vengeful and destructive fic series, which is about how a series of DADA teachers repeatedly hand that manipulative and obtuse Dumbles his arse and how Harry and Hermione, despite being obliviated after each DADA teacher's departure, escape Dumbles and his manipulations and the effects of the DADA teachers.

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Good morning, students," Professor McGonagall stated warmly as she watched the students trickling in to the emergency meeting that had been called for the momentous announcement that was to occur. Once all the students had focused their attention on her, she waved her hand towards the table full of the Board of Governors. "The Governors have been so kind as to come and inform the school of the emergency replacement for our dearly departed former headmaster Dumbledore."

"As you might be aware, for the past week I have been serving as the interim Headmistress. After much debate the council has chosen the new headmaster that will best serve Hogwarts and the students," the hopeful for the permanent position continued as a member of the board stood up and strode forwards.

"Thank you, Madam McGonagall," the man stated as he stood in front of the assembled students and staff. "I would like to extend my thanks, and that of the Board of Governors to all the students who joined us for this monumental day in Hogwarts' history. As the good professor said, I am here to announce the choice of the Board of Governors to replace the vacant Headmaster spot."

"In the course of their duties here, the Headmaster will often appoint a member of their staff to serve as a Deputy Headmaster or Deputy Headmistress and usually we would defer to them as the next head of the castle," the man explained, drawing a suspicious look from McGonagall who had assumed that she was to be the next Headmistress of Hogwarts. From the shocked and nervous looks on the faces of the other staff members, it was a suspicion that was shared by all of them.

Two pairs of eyes among the students turned towards the assembled Board of Governors where one particular member was smirking. It would have to be the one member of the entire line-up that they dreaded to see anything but utter and broken helplessness on their face. "Please welcome our new headmaster, Lucius Malfoy."

The sound of silence was nearly deafening, until finally a soft giggle broke out. As every head whipped around towards the usual two suspects, who were strangely silent as they looked about in confusion. They searched the assembled personages to see if they could find the source. It turned out to be coming from the staff table, where one Minerva McGonagall was giggling insanely as she calmly drew out her wand.

It was about a second before the spells began flying that Harry and Hermione both found their way towards the exit, following the Defense Instructors on their retreat from the Great Hall. "Sir Hellsing? Why are we retreating?"

"The idiots deserve anything that's about to happen to them," Integra pointed out calmly as she rounded a corner. "Now pack up, I think our tenure is up."

Any further conversation was cut off as Hermione and Harry split off to make their way to Gryffindor, they had trunks to pack and escapes to make. It was almost funny that they had discussed their plans for leaving Hogwarts before it came crashing down around their ears. Hopefully, plan A would work and they could just fade into obscurity in some distant country, because plan B of Harry becoming a world travelling super-Auror that went by the name of Mr. Black with his travelling companion the Dark Lady Erudite Empress wasn't quite fully put together.

For one, they couldn't find a single shop that would sell Hermione a full set of black dragon scale body suit and corsets. Another problem they were coming up with was getting Harry access to the amazing spells and skills he would need to survive. The tricky part about their memories not being complete was annoying, but they could overlook it for now as most of plan B involved them not being completely sane.

However, as they rushed into the Gryffindor tower on their way to make their great escape, the pair of fleeing students slammed into a strange glass and steel construct that had appeared in their path, just before the door slammed shut and a shroud of red-lightning coated the outside of the box. Just before they could scream it appeared that the floor simply vanished from a square under the box itself. The phone booth dropped down into the bluish-white square that had been formed, a square which vanished a moment later.

In the shadows two men began discussing why they had just witnessed. "And... that is how we save the world, so if you mind me..." the first pointed out with a victorious smirk to his voice, before adding, giving a mild salute, "Be excellent to each other..."

"But what about all the wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff?" the second protested with a petulant tone. "We also have to fix their minds and..."

"All things you failed to do, but I shall succeed at," the first countered as a massive explosion ripped through the castle. "Now, we should leave before something really bogus happens..."

"Right, well if you'll excuse me, I need to meet up with my niece a few years after that excellent adventure your saviours have," the second answered as a blue police box appeared to his right. A moment later he was inside and it vanished with several unearthly sounds.

"Never could remember to take off the parking brake... could he?" the first replied to the air with a shake of his head.

A whisper of static charge build up later, he found another phone booth waiting for him. Slipping on a pair of sunglasses he chuckled as he stepped into the booth, dialling a number before hitting the star and hash keys and hanging up, "Now, dudes, we're history."

Just before the phone booth vanished once again, another explosion shook the castle covering the disappearance of two rather infamous students. As when the booth disappeared, so too did the entire Gryffindor tower.


	53. Chapter 53

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

We're expanding beyond the mere limits of Hogwarts this time!

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Now what Harry and Hermione were expecting to appear at the other end of those endless looking tunnels that they witnessed outside their little glass and steel phone booth was anybody's guess, however it was entirely unlike anything they saw before them. A council of some sort in long flowing robes sat with rather unimpressed looks upon their faces as they broke their focus on another trio to look at the duo that had just landed in their midst.

"Hermione?" Harry asked after a couple minutes of awkward silence, spent mostly staring from inside the booth to those standing outside it.

"Yeah Harry?" Hermione asked, noting that they had to be in the magical world for those robes to be considered fashionable for a council of any sort to wear.

"I have the feeling we're not in England anymore..." Harry finished as he debated coming out with his wand firing, or just wait for them to start hexing the duo first.

"Most Excellent Visitors, please step forward from the phone booth. Rufus let us know you were arriving." The first man said, sounding like a younger Kingsley Shacklebolt, "Do not attack us, it would be most bogus."

"Bogus?" the two wizarding students echoed in confusion just as a third telephone booth landed opposite the first. When the door opened and a second version of the man that was standing across the room walked out, Hermione let out a horrified gasp. "Harry! They're going to cause a temporal rift!"

"No, that would be most non-non-non-triumphant." the new man explained while pulling off his shades, "Actually, it's rather normal for several versions of people to be in this part of time. Ever since they figured out the Einstein-Hawking anti-paradox shields..."

"Hermione? Let's walk out nice and calmly..." Harry offered trying to sound more assured of himself than he did right now. "We don't want to fight with these nice people... do we?"

"No, you don't," an old woman answered, walking out of a side corridor, "You most definitely don't, now, if you'll excuse me, I just need to tell you... Don't drink your first attempt at Polyjuice, despite being flawless there are some... unfortunate side-effects for you that end up with you drinking a bogus potion for the rest of your life. It's safe for the others you're with though so make it look like you're going to join them."

"Hermione... does... is that..." Harry started asking before breaking down to helplessly point between the two of them, before the second Hermione entered the booth the man had arrived in, and it vanished into the floor. "I think I need a butterbeer..."

The man from the recently 'borrowed' phone booth walked over, handing him a bottle. "Pepsico Butterbeer?" Harry read, looking confused, reading atypical information for a muggle soda on the side of the bottle, with a disclaimer reading 'No actual alcohol.'

"Yes, Pepsi won the bidding wars on the butterbeer recipe shortly after the unification of the Muggle and Magical worlds in 2132, though they lost the recipe for Pumpkin juice flavored cola to Dr. Pepper," the man explained with a smirk on his face. "I'm Rufus G. Carlin, but please, just call me Rufus."

"Why didn't the Magical company just join with them?" Hermione asked, having a bit more real world business experience. "They would have all the knowledge and processes in place, they'd just have to update to modern standards..."

"I'm afraid that when the two worlds merged the value of the Galleon plummeted..." Rufus explained with a deep frown. "But I'm sure you'll learn all about it when you get to that time in history..."

As Rufus was explaining all about the various points in history in which they were going to be surviving through, the two were led towards a large, underground dining room. Before them was a spread which would have dwarfed even the greatest of feasts at Hogwarts. A pair of young men, one brown-haired and one blond, were talking with what looked worryingly like Abraham Lincoln and a man Hermione swore looked like a image she'd seen once of Godric Gryffindor.

"AH! Lord Potter and Lady Granger, how doth thou honour us with thine presence in these proceedings," 'Godric' proclaimed while spreading his arms wide. "COME! Join us for food, wine, and merrymaking! Rowena and Helga are currently busy in the 'lady's powder room' and have been some time, and Salazar... attempted to hex our most triumphant hosts."

The two addressed members found themselves sitting at seats marked for themselves, directly across from Godric and a place marked for the two female members when they return. "Hermione... I... really don't think we're in Kansas anymore..."

"San Dimas, California actually," Rufus corrected as many other people straight out of history books began filtering in, "By the way, your studies of wizarding history will be much improved by when you actually trust me you know."

"I can see that..." Hermione mused before her jaw dropped open in shock. "Is that Adolf Hitler sitting with Genghis Khan and are they talking with Mahatma Ghandi?"

"And over there is Yuriko Matsui discussing military strategy with President Ackerman. We don't have war in this time." Rufus said, "We also don't have pollution, folk dancing or use of bogus words like... well, I can't tell you because there's a 5 dollar standing fine on saying any of them. By the way, before you go, I'd like you to go visit Tom Marvolo Riddle and have a class on Defence Against Magical Misuse with him. He's a local expert."

Harry nearly choked upon his butterbeer as his eyes nearly bugged out of his skull. There was just some strange tickling in the obliviated parts of his brain that warned him that such a class would be a BAD idea. "Yes, I know who he grows up to be." Godric said, "But he's been a lot better after me, Helga and Rowena had a long and most triumphant discussion with his latest resurrection. Admittedly, you actually..."

"SPOILERS!" A blond haired woman called out from halfway across the room, and Godric called back, "SORRY, RIVER!"

Hermione eyed the drink in front of her plate nervously, trying to figure out if it was laced with something to induce insanity or not. After all, with how everyone was acting she wasn't about to take chances. Meanwhile, a woman clad in armor pointed to the cup Hermione was eyeing suspiciously. "Vous n'avez pas bu qui vous a fait?"

"Pas, je n'ai pas fait... pourquoi?" Hermione answered while setting the cup away from her plate carefully. If she was who Hermione thought she was, she wasn't about to argue.

"Aucune raison, juste goûts drôles," the woman offered with a helpless shrug. "Je suis Joan d'Arc, et vous?"

"Hermione Granger," Hermione answered, bracing herself as she was kissed on both cheeks. Something that Harry found fascinating for some reason, at least that's what she thought him staring with a stupid look on his face meant. "Harry, meet Joan of Arc... Joan, this is Harry Potter."

"Ah! Garçon-qui-vécu," Joan answered while standing and kneeling before Harry, pressing his hand to her forehead. "C'est un honneur."

"Err..." Harry offered as he tried to understand what she had just said, only to look helplessly at Hermione for some translation. "Merci Madame Joan, merci... but... call me Harry."

Hermione provided the translation for Joan, which brought a light of honor and pride into roaring light within her eyes. She took a step back and bowed formally before Harry, giving him a salute before returning to her seat. "C'est un honneur qui ne sera jamais frappé de mon coeur ou de mes lèvres."

Hermione waited until she had regained her seat and began discussing something with the person on her other side before addressing Harry. "Quite the charmer, aren't you Harry? Getting her acting like a squire given her first suit of armor."

"We got her thinking we were Gods first time we met her, dude," The brown-haired man who had been talking when they arrived offered.

"I didn't mean to do anything like that..." Harry offered helplessly while trying to figure out just what the bloody hell was going on with him and hot older women.

"I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire..." One of the two men declared, getting into a air guitar pose.

"And I'm Ted Theodore Logan..." The other added, getting into the mirror of the same pose "And together we are..."

"WYLD STALLYNS!" Everyone in the room cheered proudly, with various degrees of accents butchering the English language..

"Also known as the Great Ones." Rufus added, "The leaders of this great civilization. They didn't mean to do anything like this, but they just did."

"Ah... so who helped you to learn about the magical world?" Harry asked trying to spark up a conversation with the two Great Ones.

"The two magical Great Ones..." the hair-metal refugees answered, handing them a odd holographic image of a much older Harry and Hermione.

"I don't lose the scar I see..." Harry groaned, wondering if there was ever going to be a point in his life where he could just be 'Harry' and not some grand figure for others to focus their attention, approbation and adoration on.

"You actually lose the scar around your 18th birthday, but ask Tom Riddle to give you a new one since people claim you're not you without it," Ted offered, only to cut off as the sound of Harry trying to put his head through the table in front of him began echoing throughout the room. "He did that a lot when we met back then too..."

"You idiot, Ted, You're not meant to tell him things like that," Bill snapped, hitting him on the back of the head.

"Sorry, Bill, I just have that problem I guess." Ted offered.

"So... I notice that we both have wedding rings on... I take it we finally-" Hermione began, for the blond haired woman to yell 'SPOILERS!' again., cutting her off

"Doctor, Can you PLEASE get your wife under control?" Rufus snapped as he stormed over to the familiar man, who glowered at the zoot suited man.

"She just has this ability to detect when someone's about to say something that is far ahead of what people are meant to know." The Doctor said, "It's odd timey-wimey logic..."

"Actually, It's because you always bring me to these things out of order." River countered.

"I just wanted to know that we finally break out of this time loop we're in and graduate," Hermione explained in annoyance.

"Of course you do," Both Rufus and The Doctor offered, the latter one adding, "Just we can't let you know anything more."

"Already figured that one out, thanks," Hermione answered dryly before trying to get Harry to stop banging his head against the table.

Rufus got a slender item out of his pocket, and suddenly the table gained a soft, springy texture and the noise dulled somewhat. "It's a lot quicker." He added, "Now, if you'll mind me, Harry's about to get back from his visit with Merlin, and I've got to get his report."

He then left the room with surprising quickness and suaveness.

"Hermione... I think we may grow to like that guy..." Harry growled as he poked the now pillowy soft table.

"I think that's what your future self would tell us if he wasn't busy with..." Hermione said, then fainted as she realized WHO Harry had been visiting in his future.

Harry took one look at his most faithful friend and companion before nodding his head sagely. "Yes Hermione, that's very sound advice. And I shall follow it promptly!" Harry finished before fainting himself and joining Hermione in happy oblivion.


	54. Chapter 54

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Going to be out of contact for a few days... but never fear there shall always be unfortunate things to overhear!

http : / bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Now, I know you've recently had a bad run-in with vampires, but part of what we're going to be doing while you're in the future is to prepare you to face them again," Rufus started while leading Harry and Hermione to a meeting room.

Inside there was a rather sharp looking man in a red coat and wide brimmed hat, next to him was a bleach blond wearing black and leathers. After that came of all things a green anthropomorphic duck with fangs. Beside the duck was a girl in a purple and green bodysuit, with a purple cloak, long flowing eggplant purple hair, and a powder white face marked only by a yellow gem on her forehead and pink slashes coming up from her cheeks, holding of all things a plush doll of some guy holding a guitar, a guitar of her own strapped to her back. The final was a three-headed dog slurping happily from a bowl of what appeared to be blood.

"OK, We have a Romanian vampire, a British vampire, a vampire duck, an alien vampire, a vampire Cerberus... The alien vampire is planning to transfer to Hogwarts next reboot." Rufus listed calmly as the various creatures waved in turn. Save for the five foot tall dog, which bounded over to give both of the temporal hopping pre-teens sloppy kisses all over their faces. "I thought you said that Grim had trained him out of that!" Rufus shouted down the hall towards a robed figure bearing a scythe.

"I did, however Billy found it funny and had Grim's wife retrain them..." the figure grumbled as he peeked in on the two. "Hey! I know those two... wait... why is the boss here?"

"What?" Rufus exclaimed in a slight panic as he began searching the room for a figure that one of the reapers could consider 'the boss', and coming up with only two options. "What's the name of your boss?"

"Mr. Black..." the skeletal figure answered nervously as he pointed straight at Harry.

"Alright... here's the thing, he's not your boss yet, and I hope he didn't hear you just now," Rufus explained while trying to pull some of his dignity back out of the incinerator. It took quite a bit to throw him off his game, but finding out that one of the saviours of the world just so happened to be in charge of the Reapers, well that tended to be a bit more to take than he was prepared for.

"When did that happen?" Harry asked.

"Little deal with your parents and your godfather... We need to stop making those kinds of deals, especially on games of chance... It's why Bill and Ted are still alive, and I have a sister-in-law who is even more evil than Satan... and a brother-in-law I wish could die." The personification of death explained with a defeated shrug, "The pay's good though on this gig."

Rufus in the meantime was trying to figure out how to get things of the timeline back into something resembling sanity. With a heavy sigh he just shook his head and decided that it was all for the best. The timeline was a very robust and versatile creature after all, unlike what a certain brainwashed Plutoian would have you believe.

She had been in the San Dimas Asylum For The Criminally Bogus for the past... he'd lost count of how many decades, and she still looked like she was in her early 20's. The fact that her friends were all in much the same physical state, had many of the most excellent minds pondering the truth of the nature with them. One even went so far as to suggest that they were the girls from Japan that had violated the Statute of Secrecy so much that there was a manga and an anime made just to cover it up.

That was except the one who currently did rotational guard duty with her new girlfriend, Yuriko Matsui, since both of them were... Ah yes, Psionically active. Ms. Tomoe also hated the other girls with a passion due to the fact she'd had to kill for them so often. The fact that her criminal record and military service transcripts were both cleaner than bleached linens was rather suspect in and of itself, making one wonder just if she wasn't a black ops member.

However, the bubblegum pink haired girl that constantly ran up and hugged Ms. Tomoe from behind raised many questions just because they never saw her in two consistent ages anytime she appears. One week she'd be five, the next thirty, the week following just fourteen.

The current pool was that the chief security dude would have an aneurysm by the time he turned thirty-seven. As he was currently thirty-six, that was saying a lot about their faith in him.

"So, anyway, if you see any guys who sparkle, get a silver bullet, and shoot them between the eyes, don't even approach them, just shoot them as quickly as possible," Rufus caught the tail end of a lecture by Spike as Hermione and Harry took copious notes. "After that, cleanse it with fire, it's the only way to be sure."

"Also, if you see a woman who looks like this, run in the opposite direction. This woman is dangerous," Alucard picked up, Rufus noticing a perfectly ordinary looking woman in the picture, "She's got a really bad poison pen problem."

"What's her name? Just so we know..." Harry asked while pointing his pencil's eraser at the picture.

"JKR, that's all we can say," Alucard finished.

"Also, if you go to Japan, remember their statute of secrecy is rice paper thin, so you can do pretty much anything and play it off as CGI... they'll tend to believe that," Sivil added while strumming her guitar aimlessly and cuddling her plushie slightly worryingly. They didn't need to go to court for the doll to explain to them where she touched him yet, but it was getting close.

"Oh, and if you turn any animals into wampires," Count Duckula explained while flapping his cape dramatically, "Remember to use real blood!"

"They did apologize for that, Ducky, and we let you into the vampire club," Alucard grumbled as he tried to cut off another boring rant.

"Oh yes, last of all... Best thing to do when dealing with insanity if you're wearing glasses. Take them off, get the edge of your shirt, and polish them while feigning ignorance," Spike suggested, "Giles swore by it, and it worked for him. Bonus points if you can act nonchalant and strike a dramatic pose at the same time."

"Well that would work for Harry, he's got glasses, but I don't," Hermione grumbled while making sure to take notes on the idea for future reference anyhow. Besides she'd seen a few portraits of her with glasses hanging about the halls.

"Well, for one, hide behind this book, and pretend to be ignoring people, while reading up on them in it," Sivil suggested, handing her a pink book marked 'Diarium Ejus', "You'll need it for one of your future professors, since she'll have left her copy at home."

"That's the copy you stole from her home at that time, isn't it?" Alucard asked in a bored tone.

"No, it's actually the copy she printed for Hermione in 2025 that Hermione lost due to a redhead garbage disposal throwing it out since she kept beating him at chess with it," Sivil defended with a huff of indignation, "And I'll have you know that I didn't steal any copy from Honya, I merely took it from her home to drop it off before she left Hogwarts."

"OK, Now we're done with that predestinational paradox, shall we go to the Booth Room, since you do need to attend school again," Rufus said hurriedly, ushering them out of the room. There had been far too much discussed that day.

"Wait, Hogwarts was going to blow up when we left..." Harry started as he pulled off to one side of the hall.

"That's why we're arriving shortly before your headmaster hired several vampire hunters as teaching staff," Rufus declared, smirking devilishly, "I already switched the hiring paperwork so he'll hire much safer teachers, promise."

"Then in that case... should we get our memories repaired?" Hermione explained.

"We'll deal with that on the way, since Ms. Lovegood arrives in a minute and will see you then," Rufus replied still trying to herd the two students down the hall.

"Ah, there you are! I came early so we could fit some mind healing in before they left," A much older Luna said, "I'll only cover the mental trauma you can cope with, not the truly dangerous stuff."

"How much of our memories is that?" Harry asked cautiously.

"Probably about 25-30 chapters, give or take." Luna said, cryptically.

"Let's put that into years for them Luna, since they've been through so much..." Rufus offered at the confused look on the two students and future saviours of the worlds' faces.

"Well, an easy method could be just to have them read this book, but it goes up to Chapter 100," Luna offered, "And we're only in Chapter 54."

Just then a large shepherd hook appeared out of nowhere and yanked Luna out of view, where some muffled argument was heard. After a minute Luna returned with a pout on her face. "Mr. Cobler says I can't just give you the book... and Mr. Elthorpe says I got the count wrong..."

"That's fine Luna, we'll figure out another way," Rufus explained while winking and giving the corner that she disappeared behind a thumbs up. "Now, let's stop abusing the fourth wall and get these two with their brains back in working order, to their proper time."

"But I like abusing the fourth wall..." Luna declared with a pout.

"You can do that tomorrow," Rufus answered while patting the girl on the back. For their part, Harry and Hermione just looked at them in confusion before giving helpless shrugs at each other.

"But Mr. Cobler's taking a break from the story for a week or two, and I can't guarantee he'll write tomorrow..." Luna moaned as they left her, none of the three saw a note be passed to Luna on the shepherd hook from earlier.


	55. Chapter 55

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

I cannot tell you how glad I am that I didn't have to attempt to write this after the airlines screwed me over on a connecting flight... okay, how glad the CHARACTERS are that I didn't...

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Harry and Hermione sighed heavily as they looked about the halls in desperation as their brains continued to digest the returned memories that they had just suffered through once again. "Are you sure this is Hogwarts, Harry? It's... quiet... too quiet..." Hermione whispered as they began making their way towards the Great Hall, having found a clock that told them it was noon.

"MARRY ME, PROFESSOR SNAPE!" Draco shouted as he chased the greasy black-haired professor past the two rather stunned returned students, who simply looked at each other and sighed heavily. There was no doubt about it now, they were at Hogwarts.

"Welcome to Hogwarts... please leave your common sense at the door..." Hermione commented dryly as Harry took off his glasses and started cleaning them.

"Sanity as well, my dear Hermione, but that's elementary to the problem here," Harry commented as he casually slipped his glasses back on. "Let us rejoin the meal, once more into the breach my friend..."

"You definitely learned a lot off watching Giles... Does that mean we can fill it up with the Wizarding dead?" Hermione quipped as she caught the literary reference.

"One can only hope," Harry answered before peeking in through the door. "Ah good, it's one of the days we were taking a mental health day up in the giggle rooms..." Harry offered before slipping the two of them into the Great Hall, getting nary a whisper of notice out of the feasting students. Or Ron, who was equalling any three other students.

They had nearly gotten away with it when a sharp voice spoke up from behind them. "Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger, I trust there is a reasonable explanation for showing up to lunch so late," Professor McGonagall stated in a tone that there had better be a good one or she was going to assign them detentions until their great grand-children graduated.

"Err... we were up in the... private quarters when we suddenly felt a lot better and thought to come down for a bite, Professor," Harry lied, not daring to turn around for fear of having to attempt it while looking at the stern woman's face.

"That's right," Hermione agreed hastily as she tried to divine what class they had missed that morning. "We were going to get a quick bite to eat and then see about making up our missed class..."

"Very well, see me after you have both eaten no less than two plates of food," McGonagall ordered with an imperious frown. "You're looking far too thin, the both of you might have to spend time with Madam Pomfrey if you don't start eating better."

"Do we mention that Ron's onto his 12th plate?" Hermione whispered to Harry once the matron of Transfiguration had left.

"No, let's just sit as far from him as possible and actually get some food into our systems..." Harry answered while guiding her towards two empty seats, which sadly were opposite the twins, but there was no other safe places to eat.

"Okay, you two, who are you and what did you do to Harry and Hermione? You actually let Ron just consume the table and didn't even go near him," Harry and Hermione heard the two boys say, not quite sure who said it.

"Why don't you put us to the test... perhaps a little Mooney-light will shine through the sunlight today," Harry asked casually while looking at an ordinary-looking piece of parchment.

"We don't need to do that check," the demon duo answered simply, "Anyway, strangely seriously, for us, why are you coming to us with what is clearly a offer of friendship?"

"Ah dear Forge, clever Gred, you have sussed us out," Hermione chided as she filled up a plate for herself, adding a bit extra when she noticed the stern look on their Head of House's face. "We just have a bit of... mischief to manage..."

She then slid the book she'd got off Sivil across the table. "Tell this book 'Draco Malfoy' and tell me what you read."

The twin on the outside took up the challenge, and after a moment snapped the book shut and all but threw it back at Hermione. "My eyes! I need to clean them! Quick oh brother of mine, burn them with healing fire so that the image might not remain!"

"This book can read someone's surface thoughts perfectly," Hermione explained casually as she buttered a roll, ignoring all the looks the twin's antics were drawing, "That's how we knew you two are honest."

"Well honest as any two tricksters who wish to be the next marauders might be," Harry countered while polishing his glasses once again. The fact that he knew at least partially what Draco was thinking without the book was rather disturbing in its own right. But it was a good prank before they got down to the real meat of the project.

"We've been through the wringer for longer than we care to remember," Hermione continued casually as she looked over the bean speared on her fork. "We're taking the offensive this time. We have all the information on who's thinking what about us, and you have the tools to be able to scupper them."

"And if you don't, I know how to procure some," Harry offered with a dark look as a gleam hid his eyes and his folded hands masked his mouth.

"Okay, we need about 5 square feet of dragon hide, and Hermione to note down her measurements in some way that we can't read them," Fred offered while holding his brother's hands at his side.

"Also we need to know how you managed that trick with causing the temperature to drop five degrees as you said that," George added, having regained some of his composure.

"Would basilisk skin do? I could get you more than that in basilisk skin today," Harry bartered while his fingers shifted so only the pads on each corresponding pair were touching. "If not... perhaps you could sell the basilisk skin and buy dragon hide."

"We'll see, but if you have a supply that large, I suspect you have more than just the skin," the twins suspected, "40/60, you get the larger share."

"Marauders Incorporated would like to employ you both at a standard... ten galleons a week?" Hermione offered with the devil's own smirk as she pulled out a contract. "Just sign on the lines where indicated..."

"You spent far too much time with Ayanami-san..." Harry suggested casually as they waited for the twins to read through the contracts, though the name sounded more like a curse than a proper name.

"No more so than you did with David Xanatos," Hermione shot back with a cross look of her own. Apparently their meetings with various personages throughout history had left more than one bitter taste in their mouths.

"Hey at least he let you into his library! We had to shoot Gendo to get into his," Harry countered with a blow to Hermione's weak spot.

"Rei told me to use one clip every time I needed to go in," Hermione offered as casually as one might mention the weather.

"He was dead after the first time... the twentieth time I'm pretty sure was just Rei being vicious and petty," Harry offered while taking the contract back from the twins that were staring at them in gaping confusion.

"Shinji told me to keep doing it, Rei told me to keep doing it, Dr. Akagi told me to keep doing it... Hell, Adam and Lilith told me to empty a clip into his body as well!" Hermione snapped, "How can it be vicious and petty if all his workmates said to do it?"

"Fair enough... though I'm very proud that you didn't listen to what Asuka suggested doing," Harry conceded, more to move along than in any actual form of defeat. "Also... did you remember the gift for Luna from Makoto Konno-san? She did help pull her out of that horrible time loop..."

"She also told us to expect at least twelve more loops, and Mr. Beckett agreed about that," Hermione said, patting a parcel she got out of her book bag, "Did you remember that item Mr. Stark had made especially for you 'just in case'?"

Harry simply lifted up his arm to reveal a rather odd looking watchband. "Never leave the dorms without it."

"Good good." Hermione said, lifting up her own arm to show a similar watchband, "Pepper gave me mine shortly before we left that era of history."

"We have got to get the full story," one of the twins said in a nearly breathless whisper as his double mutely nodded.

"Ahem, students, I wish to announce a last minute new student, A Sivil Nekki, who will be joining the Gryffindors after lunch," Dumbledore announced proudly from the front of the room. Sivil stood from the seat next to the twins and waved to the Hall quietly as thunderous applause shook the hall. After regaining her seat, she smiled as once again she seemed to be out of the spotlight.

She merely nodded to Harry and Hermione as they greeted casually before she turned to the twins and answered with a smile full of pointed fangs. "It will be revealed... in time."


	56. Chapter 56

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Why hasn't anyone attempted to stop me yet? Do i amuse some sick twisted sadistic side of yourself? If so post "Jammin'" in a sentence. Otherwise use "Cookie" please

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

After Harry and Hermione had seen their former selves disappear into the time-travelling phone booth, the pair decided that they should at least attempt to attend a class or two now and then so their magical studies wouldn't suffer too much. At least that's the excuse that I'm going to use to get them walking down the Slytherin halls for Potions.

Or maybe it was the fact that they just wanted to make bets about how many points Snape would take off Gryffindor just to give them to Slytherin. Hermione had made 20 galleons off the last bet they'd made of a similar type. Besides it would at least make it appear that they were normal students, not completely out of their own universe while stuck in a temporal loop that might never end.

What they didn't expect, was when several seventh year Slytherins peeked out around a corner before pulling back and stage whispered," Hey look it's that mudblood girl... quick, get the ropes and gags!"

Another voice spoke up, "No, I'm not touching Draco's toys!" There was a nervous shuffling noise around the corner as the students argued amongst themselves about what was going to occur.

"No way, we'll just piss her off! And she's with Potter!" another voice barked, drawing a confused look from the two mentally worn survivors.

"Maybe the Dark Lady Granger would like our forward thinking? Besides Potter's on her side, that must mean if we're her minions we'll survive..." One scheming voice pointed out in a badly hushed tone.

"I would need to get smarter minions than them..." Hermione pointed out bitterly as she rubbed the building headache she felt growing in her temples.

"Ah, there you are, my liege," Sivil called out from nearby, "Are these foolish meat sacks annoying you?"

She then grinned at them with her favorite shark-like grin. The one that made Harry and Hermione reconsider hanging out with her regularly. "No Sivil... they are not, though I think they're trying to get on the ground floor of my new evil empire... which I wasn't aware I'm building."

"Well, you have a p-p-pair of mad scientists, an e-e-e-evil demon..." One of the Slytherins stammered, "We were s-s-sure it meant you were t-t-turning dark..."

"I have a demon?" Hermione asked Harry, who gave a helpless shrug before indicating Sivil, who waved nonchalantly. It didn't help that she never walked, only floated, and at least one teacher had called her 'music' the songs of the devil himself. "What about these mad scientists?"

"Fred and George." Both Sivil and Harry supplied dryly, for the two to pop out of nowhere wearing white lab coats and goggles, as well as T-Shirts for a company called M5 Industries.

"The new teleporters work!" Fred and George declared, "We decided to use an off-shoot of the magic used by house elves and combine it with a runic array that is built into a pocket sized device which-"

"They are not my minions," Hermione stated while the two continued explaining their teleporters with full and complicated diagrams in the background. "Harry's paying them for this work."

"And Harry's your evil lieutenant that supplies you with everything you need! Now all he has to do is defeat the former Dark Lord, and you just fill out the paperwork..." one of the Slytherins added happily.

"No, I'm strictly neutral." Harry called out, "Luna though..."

"WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT LUNA." Hermione snapped between gritted teeth, a remarkable feat accomplished through years of practice with Ron and Harry's homework ethics.

"There's my blushing bride-to-be! Come to me! Let me give you your happy kitty juice!" Luna shouted blissfully before prancing onto the scene, only to vanish with the twins in a repeat of their appearance.

"That... was weird even for Hogwarts," Harry commented to general nods.

"I hope you don't mind us arranging a mild malfunction of the prototype teleporters." Rufus offered as he slid into the room, "Anyway, Ms. Granger is a fully accredited member of Wyld Stallyns Incorporated, and will not be turning evil before 2015, according to the seer that I consulted earlier."

"You mean the history text?" Harry asked curiously.

"No, actually I just asked Mistress Granger when she decided to deal with Luna." Rufus hissed in response, "Long story, but suffice it to say... Luna doesn't care one bit, and they're still in a relationship at the moment."

"So... we..." Harry asked while pointing between Hermione and himself.

"You get married at the end of your seventh year, after a hilarious incident which causes Dumbledore to end up being the vanquisher of Voldemort, and your first son to be the reborn Tom Riddle... He's not evil after that, but we're 50/50 on the details considering when Hermione turns chaotic good." Rufus offered, "Luna is Hermione's indentured servant, and yes, if you understand what that means, good, if not, don't ask... Anyway, Got to go, Albert Einstein is doing a symposium on why you shouldn't use time travel to go kill Hitler."

Once Rufus had vanished to Merlin knows when, Harry turned to his future bride. "So... oblivate the little future sneak peek or leave it?"

"Leave it. Although, I do remember a... Oh my. Yes, Harry, don't ask what Rufus meant about indentured servitude," Hermione ordered, going slightly pale as she realized what she'd done to deal with Luna's eccentric behavior.

"Just so long as you get her to wear Carrie Fisher's chainmail bikini sometime I won't ask for an answer I already know," Harry answered happily as he walked on towards the Potions classroom.

Nearby, a tall figure watched with a figure in a chainmail bikini. "How did he know?" The one in the bikini asked, for the other figure to get out a ball gag and stuff it in her mouth, before they walked towards a column, which faded silently out of existence.


	57. Chapter 57

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Now with 100 percent more betaing, thanks for being patient. As a reward... how about this? Post your favorite part of this chapter in your review and I'll send you a bit of a story I'm working on.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Ron, you're a genius!" Harry heard as he walked early into supper, drawing his attention as it was Fred and George who were praising their younger brother while patting him on the back warmly. "Harry! You have to hear what Ron did," one of the twins called out, waving the hero over to join them.

As Harry settled in, he found Hermione joining them at his side a frown on her face. If it was the twins praising someone, that meant only trouble. "Yes Ronald, tell us what you did."

That seemed to catch the ire of the redhead, as his entire head turned crimson to match his hair. "Well Ms. Know-it-all, I found out about, and pranked, a new staff member. All on my own too," Ron bragged haughtily as he pointed towards the staff table. Harry and Hermione both looked at each other, as none of the teaching staff had died since Quirrel's fifth replacement had swung a battleaxe too hard and went spilling down the stairs.

That meant a new position, and those always spelled trouble for the entire school.

"Attention students, we have a new faculty member starting with us tonight," Dumbledore announced from the front of the Great Hall while waving a hand towards the newcomer. The faint clicking of stiletto heels brought all attention to the staff table, what they found drew a gasp from all assembled.

All eyes started at the source of the noise, those curve hugging thigh high boots that shone as only highly polished leather could. Tapping a perfect counter-beat to her steps was the coiled whip hanging at her right side, while her wand was holstered in much the same way as one might sheathe a sword upon her left hip. These rested on the outside of a very tight skirt that seemed to be made out of a material that stretched and contracted with every step, showing off her powerful leg muscles. Above the skirt was a tight leather jacket that was opened to reveal that she was wearing a black blouse under a corset. The high and tight hair-style reminiscent of Professor McGonagall told the students that she was stern, the flogger in her right hand however had another tale to tell. One warning all students that she was not to be crossed.

"Students," she addressed them as one used to given orders and having them followed at all times. "My name is Sadeest, Ima Sadeest, and I shall be the Director of Student Services. My door is always open to hear you grovelling and whimpering worms, but if you bore me..." she trailed off, cracking the flogger against the ground sharply causing most of the hall to jump. "I would suggest you not bore me, lest I get angry."

"Thank you, Madam Sadeest," Dumbledore stated after she gave him a crisp, almost military nod, before he turned to address the students as a whole again. "As Madam Sadeest has pointed out to me in a private conference, student discipline has declined and so I am allowing her to incorporate a new punishment. If you would explain?"

"Yes sir," the Director stated sharply before standing in front of the entire student body, her gaze boring into them as though weighing each of them individually, and finding them pathetic and wanting. "As mere deduction of points seems to have no deterrent to your actions, the new punishment that is to be attached with the docking of points is a spanking for each point lost, in front of the entire school before supper. Students who accrue enough deductions as to delay our meal shall be punished while the others eat and may have their meal should any time remain."

At this a general murmur of dissonance rippled through the student body, while Snape seemed to glow with an inner pleasure. This stopped with another crack of the flogger against the ground. "I do not remember giving you leave to speak, students. Do this again, and I shall punish each of you prior to our first meal together," this managed to get everyone to remain silent as she continued.

"Now, as I was saying..." she snarled with a heavy glare at the student body that shrunk as though struck. "Any teacher found unfairly punishing students shall receive the same punishment, though as adults who should know better, they will be caned instead of paddled."

This caused one potions master to pale so much that everyone thought he was going to pass from the lack of blood flowing through his body. "I have reviewed the school charter, and supplied copies to all common rooms. Barring any archaic rules I have marked or stricken, I expect a strict adherence to these rules and guidelines. From adults and students alike."

It was at that moment a noise drew all attention to the main doors, where a giant tomato shot forth, aiming directly at the new faculty member. She didn't flinch, nor even blink as her flogger switched over to her left hand and her right smoothly drew out the whip, which in seconds turned the tomato into a slurry that passed her by leaving only a tiny splatter upon her boots. Looking down at the filth upon her previously pristine leathers, a strange expression crossed her face. Turning it upon the students, all of them thought that their death awaited them in the eyes of the dominating witch at the front of the hall.

"Who did this?" She asked in a crisp, marked tone that brooked no room for lies nor deceptions. Her eyes locked upon Ronald Weasley, who was suddenly alone. Her gloved hand rose and crooked a long, delicate looking finger towards the boy.

Ron was about to run away when two large, burly wizards appeared behind him, laying heavy hands upon his shoulders. "Director Sadeest would like to see you," one ground out with a voice that sound like it was poured from concrete, "I suggest you attend her."

Needless to say, supper was very informative that night. However, it should be noted that for the first time that year, all students had sufficient food.

"Ron, you're a genius!" Harry heard as he walked early into supper, drawing his attention as it was Fred and George who were praising their younger brother while patting him on the back warmly. "Harry! You have to hear what Ron did," one of the twins called out, waving the hero over to join them.

As Harry settled in, he found Hermione joining them at his side a frown on her face. If it was the twins praising someone, that meant only trouble. "Yes Ronald, tell us what you did."

That seemed to catch the ire of the redhead, as his entire head turned crimson to match his hair. "Well Ms. Know-it-all, I found out about, and pranked, a new staff member. All on my own too," Ron bragged haughtily as he pointed towards the staff table. Harry and Hermione both looked at each other, as none of the teaching staff had died since Quirrel's fifth replacement had swung a battleaxe too hard and went spilling down the stairs.

That meant a new position, and those always spelled trouble for the entire school.

"Attention students, we have a new faculty member starting with us tonight," Dumbledore announced from the front of the Great Hall while waving a hand towards the newcomer. The faint clicking of stiletto heels brought all attention to the staff table, what they found drew a gasp from all assembled.

All eyes started at the source of the noise, those curve hugging thigh high boots that shone as only highly polished leather could. Tapping a perfect counter-beat to her steps was the coiled whip hanging at her right side, while her wand was holstered in much the same way as one might sheathe a sword upon her left hip. These rested on the outside of a very tight skirt that seemed to be made out of a material that stretched and contracted with every step, showing off her powerful leg muscles. Above the skirt was a tight leather jacket that was opened to reveal that she was wearing a black blouse under a corset. The high and tight hair-style reminiscent of Professor McGonagall told the students that she was stern, the flogger in her right hand however had another tale to tell. One warning all students that she was not to be crossed.

"Students," she addressed them as one used to given orders and having them followed at all times. "My name is Sadeest, Ima Sadeest, and I shall be the Director of Student Services. My door is always open to hear you grovelling and whimpering worms, but if you bore me..." she trailed off, cracking the flogger against the ground sharply causing most of the hall to jump. "I would suggest you not bore me, lest I get angry."

"Thank you, Madam Sadeest," Dumbledore stated after she gave him a crisp, almost military nod, before he turned to address the students as a whole again. "As Madam Sadeest has pointed out to me in a private conference, student discipline has declined and so I am allowing her to incorporate a new punishment. If you would explain?"

"Yes sir," the Director stated sharply before standing in front of the entire student body, her gaze boring into them as though weighing each of them individually, and finding them pathetic and wanting. "As mere deduction of points seems to have no deterrent to your actions, the new punishment that is to be attached with the docking of points is a spanking for each point lost, in front of the entire school before supper. Students who accrue enough deductions as to delay our meal shall be punished while the others eat and may have their meal should any time remain."

At this a general murmur of dissonance rippled through the student body, while Snape seemed to glow with an inner pleasure. This stopped with another crack of the flogger against the ground. "I do not remember giving you leave to speak, students. Do this again, and I shall punish each of you prior to our first meal together," this managed to get everyone to remain silent as she continued.

"Now, as I was saying..." she snarled with a heavy glare at the student body that shrunk as though struck. "Any teacher found unfairly punishing students shall receive the same punishment, though as adults who should know better, they will be caned instead of paddled."

This caused one potions master to pale so much that everyone thought he was going to pass from the lack of blood flowing through his body. "I have reviewed the school charter, and supplied copies to all common rooms. Barring any archaic rules I have marked or stricken, I expect a strict adherence to these rules and guidelines. From adults and students alike."

It was at that moment a noise drew all attention to the main doors, where a giant tomato shot forth, aiming directly at the new faculty member. She didn't flinch, nor even blink as her flogger switched over to her left hand and her right smoothly drew out the whip, which in seconds turned the tomato into a slurry that passed her by leaving only a tiny splatter upon her boots. Looking down at the filth upon her previously pristine leathers, a strange expression crossed her face. Turning it upon the students, all of them thought that their death awaited them in the eyes of the dominating witch at the front of the hall.

"Who did this?" She asked in a crisp, marked tone that brooked no room for lies nor deceptions. Her eyes locked upon Ronald Weasley, who was suddenly alone. Her gloved hand rose and crooked a long, delicate looking finger towards the boy.

Ron was about to run away when two large, burly wizards appeared behind him, laying heavy hands upon his shoulders. "Director Sadeest would like to see you," one ground out with a voice that sound like it was poured from concrete, "I suggest you attend her."

Needless to say, supper was very informative that night. However, it should be noted that for the first time that year, all students had sufficient food.


	58. Chapter 58

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Not for the faint of heart.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"I reject your reality, worm..." a silky voice spoke from the other side of the blindfold that hid the rest of the world from the currently sweating redhead. "And substitute my own. Do you know why I can do this?"

"Because you're a bloody bit-" Ron started, only to get cut off by a loud crack and a sharp burning line of pain to cross his stomach. "GAH! What the he-" he tried once again only for the same thing to happen once again.

"It's because I have power and authority, worm, you have none," Sadeest purred softly as she drew a thin wooden rod across his stomach once again. "Now you thought that I was just another one of those weak little lambs you call instructors. You will learn how wrong you are about that, and that you think you or any student attending here are protected."

The next thing Ron heard was the sound of something splitting the air and a loud crack, only there was no pain for him, instead he heard a low moan from beside him. "Oh did you not know you had a detention partner? I'm sure you and Draco here would have simply loads to talk about, if his mouth wasn't busy with other matters. Isn't that right, Ronald?"

"Like HELL you psycho bit-MMPH!" Ron started to shout back, only for his mouth to be filled with something cylindrical that pressed down his tongue and nearly drove into his throat.

"Until you learn proper manners, worm, you are not allowed to speak anymore," Sadeest growled as he felt leather pulled back and pinning the gag into place. A faint click of metal on metal alerted him to the fact that whatever it was was now belted into place. Lightly a gloved finger traced along the leather strap holding the gag in place, just before it pulled back and slapped him harshly across the face. "You worm, you and Draco both think that being Pure-blooded means you are protected from me, but you're not. You are two little boys at my tender mercies. There will be no coddling from your mother, there will be no letters to your father. There is only me, and the rules. You learn them, or you suffer. Understood, worms?"

At the sullen silence she snarled before lashing out with savage blows to their upper arms she ordered. "Answer me, worms!"

Ron quickly nodded his head yes in understanding as he fought against the bindings holding him in place. He had to finally admit to himself that he was powerless right now. She had him tied, gagged, and blindfolded. "That wasn't so hard, now, was it?" she purred as she ran her finger over his bare chest, alerting him to the fact that he was completely stark naked at the moment. "See, students? Even these two pillars of Pureblood arrogance come to understand when the light of truth is shown to them."

Before that sentence could fully register in his brain, light returned to Ron's world in a painful flash as the blindfold was removed, showing him that he was bound and gagged, completely naked in front of a almost spellbound looking audience of the rest of Hogwarts. Turning his head slightly, he could see Draco in a similar situation off to the left, with Director Sadeest in between them.

"Did you know, students, that wounds inflicted in certain ways cannot be healed by magic?" Sadeest continued, as though giving a report on the weather. "For example... this little beauty..."

Ron's eyes nearly bugged out of his skull when he saw the cruelly hooked device in the director's hand as she showed the entire student body, taking special care to ensure that both bound boys saw it properly. It disappeared from their sight, only for something far worse to take its place. The sharp angles, the double-backing of the points, the razor sharpness of the silvered edge, all of these drew in Ron's attention as she trailed it lightly over his chest. "Now this... this little beauty is a personal favorite of mine..."

The blade whipped through the air, causing Ron to gasp as he swore something dropped from between his legs to flop onto the ground. The sound of disturbance from the rest of the school said that there was some truth to his theory, but he couldn't turn enough to see what it was. "Care to see your Sword of Gryffindor?" Sadeest asked while stooping down to pick something up. Sadly when he saw what it was, his consciousness faded into darkness and he went limp in his bindings.


	59. Chapter 59

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Happy Fourth of July to all the world, especially a happy Independence Day to the Americans. Thanks once again to my awesome beta who puts up with me. Also, please give generously to the Fourth Wall Reparation fund, we're trying very hard to fix the wall that I have broken so often recently. We are trying to save up for a half-brick right now... the beta and I are both broke... and have no clue what the fourth wall is actually made from, so... umm... yeah, give generously.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Ron woke to a strange sensation covering his entire body. He felt nothing, it was like he was hovering a few feet above anything that could be considered a surface, and yet he felt his head was resting on something solid. Actually, if he had to be perfectly honest with himself, it felt like his head was resting on his chin and the back of his neck.

Before he could think about how that would be impossible, he opened his eyes and came face-to-face with his own reflection. After admiring how handsome he looked, he noticed something rather odd about the image in the mirror. For the first part it was that he looked a little bit more like his sister than he had last time he looked which was sometime last June. After he gave a mental shrug, he noticed he his body wasn't responding, and a glance down in the mirror showed him why. Instead of the rest of his body as he expected, there was only a silvery table with tubes and wires coming out of the base of his neck.

"Ah, good, you've awoken," a silky voice he vaguely remembered somewhere in the dark recesses of his brain as a bad voice spoke from off to his left. "As you can tell... we've had to remove your head from your body for a little... reconstructive surgery."

"Well, okay... we had to remove your heart, lungs, liver, spleen... umm, to be brutally honest, your body currently is skin and bones, literally," a second voice added in a sing-song tone, "Most of the bits we took out were broken anyway."

"Now, don't worry! We're taking care of that problem," the first voice answered while he could hear some sort of shuffling around in the background. He would have loved to answer them, but without lungs or vocal cords, he was somewhat muted.

"Umm..." The second voice started, for the first to speak up again.

"Umm?" They asked with a long suffering tone to her voice.

"I kind of... threw out Ron's skeleton. I kept the skin... It's currently being munched on by a thestral," the second voice answered sheepishly only for the first voice to growl in frustration.

"That's fine..." the first voice stated with forced calm before turning her attention back to Ron. "It would seem that we'll have to clone you a new body entirely, instead of just organs. Won't be much longer."

"Blinky also ate Subject Two... I managed to keep the brain, luckily... What am I meant to do about a peckish basilisk? Just feed it the organs? It started munching his hand, then..." the second voice explained like a petulant child causing the first to sigh once again.

"Keep your pets away from the subjects! How many times have we had accidents in experimentation due to your pets eating bits they weren't meant to?" the first asked sharply.

"Four or five... dozen," the second admitted shamefully as he heard another shuffling noise from nearby. "But they think those two died anyhow! Don't you think the students and teachers will realize something's wrong if they suddenly appear out of nowhere?"

"They don't notice when teachers drop dead, when there's a minor war in the great hall, when paedophile snakes walk through the halls killing people... Oh wait, that's the wrong universe... I hope." the first explained with a sigh, "Anyway, two dead people coming back to life is nothing new."

"That's partially since the old universes are overwritten when you go back in time and change things, it's part of the butterfly effect. Many things stay roughly the same, like Mr. Carlin will always meet you in the future, after they've happened..." the second voice added, "But yes, most of the things that have happened so far, they've not noticed at all."

"We've been over the death totals, Luna, and honestly I don't understand why the multi-verse hasn't just decided to stop granting us resets," the first voice supplied before a black-haired man appeared in front of Ron's vision of himself. "Sorry about the mix-up, Ron, but we'll just up the sedatives and you won't remember a thing."

Just as he recognized the lightning bolt scar on the man, he heard the first voice speaking up. "Harry, you don't have to apologize if they don't remember."

"I've got used to doing it," Harry answered, drawing another sigh from the first voice.

"Anyway, Looking at the list, we're probably going to... Eeek!" Luna began, "Hey, give that list back, Mr. Cobler! I was counting entries! Suffice it to say, there will be a lot more resets before the multi-verse stops doing them."

"STOP BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!" A man's voice called from somewhere, "AND NO STEALING THE MASTER LIST AGAIN!"

"I didn't steal it! I just borrowed it without permission..." Luna whined with a pout to her voice that Ron could almost swear he could hear. "I never get to have any fun! Oh wait... I do in Sabbatical..."

"What did I just say about the fourth wall?" the male voice asked before a door slammed somewhere. Minutes later, Ron was allowed to return to happy darkness as the sedatives took over.

"Hermione? We've got a problem... there's not enough genetic material to rebuild a male body," Luna offered nervously as she held up a report for Hermione to read, which caused her to sigh once more.

"Fine, find one of his siblings to get fresh material," Hermione ordered before turning back to the body being made for Draco. "No Harry, don't make his heart bigger, it won't fit in his body."

"Hmm..." Harry murmured, before asking, "Luna, you know how we always said these two kept spouting rubbish?"

"Already set up," Luna commented as she held up a red hair for Hermione's approval. Getting a nod, she tossed it into the bubbling brew in one of the test tubes.

"I already checked it wasn't from a ginger cat..." Luna stated, Hermione bristling. Why is it that Luna kept telling her to check hairs added to potions were not cat hairs?

Harry looked up as the brew began forming a human body. "Girls? Does this look a bit different than it's supposed to?"

"I used the closest match I could find to Ron's genetic make-up that didn't have problems with contaminating the brew, and I even used a overpowered scourgify on Ron's head..." Luna stated, "Ron's lucky to have hair."

"That's... not a male forming in there..." Harry pointed out, giving the girls a magnifying glass and pointing to the part that was missing.

"Well, the twins wouldn't provide one, and Percy is a stuck-up... so I used the next best thing," Luna explained with a slight moan to her voice. "Hermione! Harry's picking on meeeee!"

"Go play with Scorch," Hermione stated with a sigh, "Feed him Draco's broom."

A moment later Hermione whipped around and shouted down the hallway, "THE WOODEN ONE!"

"Aww!" Luna's voice came from the room in which Draco was being regrown.

"Why did we even get her a pet Hungarian Horntail?" Harry asked as a aside.

"She wants you to use it for the first task in your fourth year," Hermione stated with a shrug, "I don't want to know what she's planning."

"Does that mean we'll finally stop repeating our first year?" Harry asked curiously as the image of the dragon leaping on him and licking him to death instead of trying to kill him in more violent ways popped into his head.

"Possibly," Hermione offered with a shrug, "she also seems to be having me practice much more care about my potions than is common... but she's probably read ahead so I don't even try to understand her logic. All I know is that she's like a younger sister I wish I had."

"Well, the author wrote her out due to forgetting to write her in." Luna called from the other room, before walking in and hanging a sign upon the wall which read, '_Under Repairs_' before leaving with a pout. "They get to break the fourth wall, but when I do it, I get yelled at. No fair!"

A piece of paper landed in Harry's hand. "According to this, we do it with our own knowledge, mostly of you. You've read all seven books and swiped the notes and stories of both authors for your own use," Harry read, before it burst into flames. "Do we forget that happened?"

"It's called an Act Of God," Hermione summarized.

"And I think I get their point," Luna grumbled, "Can't I read ahead looking for the part where I get a hot girlfriend... Where's that bondage artwork of Ginny I downloaded?"

She then walked out of the room, both Harry and Hermione shrugging.


	60. Chapter 60

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Plotonium drive is still going... please help us repair the poor fourth wall...

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

It was a normal day at Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry, birds were chirping, Slytherins were getting whipped into shape by their future dark mistress's assistant, Hermione was carrying a large stack of books out of the library, Harry was dodging death in the form of the latest Defence Against Dark Arts teacher, Luna was breaking the Fourth Wall and Ronda was onto her fifth plate of food this hour and K-cup size.

"Mr. Author, I'd not have broken the fourth wall so much if you'd been honest about taking a vacation." Luna said to no-one in particular, "So own up, and admit you didn't take it."

"Who are you talking to, Luna?" Harry asked while polishing his wand, the wooden one, you perverts. Duelling Death Eaters posing as Professors trying to teach Defence Against Dark Arts wore wands wickedly fast.

"The same person who was correcting the readers about some near-accidental innuendo they did about the fact you're polishing your wand." Luna answered crossly while waving a hand towards the wall she'd been facing, "Although, I prefer the dirty phrase based on the second book."

"Please tell me it wasn't Harry Potter and the Taming the Basilisk..." Harry pleaded as he lowered his head in shame. There was a lot of discussion for alternative titles of their future years, and Luna refused to even give them the pleasure of knowing when they were close.

"No no. Although later, you, me and Hermione are going to go into one of the girls' bathrooms with a rooster and deal with one." Luna suggested, "It does what we ask, and we don't use the bird."

"That's fine, let me just get a couple of those special glasses Rufus gave us," Harry answered almost as though completely emotionally disinvested.

"This is a staff announcement." Madame Pince's voice came from seemingly everywhere, "Recent withdrawal amounts of books by some students have got to irrecoverable levels, so I have a simple request... Will Ms Granger please return the library. Other people need it."

"We have to go and get the books from Hermione again..." Harry pointed out with a heavy sigh as he eyed his wand, wondering if his other wand couldn't be more useful in this situation.

"I don't think screwing one of your fellow students will get her to stop borrowing half the library for 'research'..." Luna declared, "I'll get the mouse, you get the ball of yarn... Oh wait, that won't work... Keep forgetting."

Harry gave her a raised eyebrow as he tried to figure out which of the books this was referring to before shaking his head and turning away. "We'll do the usual method, Luna, I'll stun her, you grab the books and run while she goes off on me."

"I was thinking of stunning her, getting some things from a bondage catalogue I have in my trunk, binding her up in them, then putting her in your trunk until next year," Luna suggested.

Harry actually paused to consider this, on the one hand he would have to deal with this type of problem less often, on the other he wouldn't survive if she missed the end of year exams. Weighing the options in his head, he sighed and shook his head. "No Luna, we have to wait until we're at least the age of majority in the Wizarding World, or one of us becomes the Head of an Ancient and/or Nobel House..."

"I'll send the owl to Gringotts later, and we'll remember to take her out long before final exams." Luna declared, skipping off to send the message, adding, with a smile, "You do know you're the last Potter, so could be considered Head of House Potter?"

"I... I thought I couldn't as a kid," Harry offered lamely with a shrug before pausing. "Say Luna... is there any other letters we should send out? I feel like I should send someone a letter telling them to stop abandoning their duties to me, but I can't figure out why... and do you know why Hedwig keeps licking her beak when she sees Ron's rat?"

"Well, I'll send a letter to Tonks to ask her to take care of Hermione during school breaks, so you can't be arrested for abducting her, I'll send a letter to Susan's aunt to investigate all the really interesting things I read about in those books I downloaded off the internet... Well, I'm not meant to know, but Ron's rat isn't the kind of rat you think it is." Luna declared as she paused, before she ran off, not letting Harry continue.

"You can download off the Internet?" Harry asked the air curiously, having heard of that from the Dursleys, mostly with them complaining about it. Most of it sounded like it was posting opinions on message boards and coming back three weeks later to read the responses. Luna came down a short time later, smiling at him.

"If it's just text, even the poor download speeds of the present day are fast enough. Downloading an entire eight-movie series... I'd rather wait for the video CD release." Luna muttered angrily as she dragged out several rolls of parchment. "Well I can't even hope to get a DVD player before 1995..."

A piece of leaf paper drifted down from the ceiling which read "**_Leave the fourth wall alone_**." before it disappeared in a puff of continuity.


	61. Chapter 61

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Warning, gonna be a bit... disturbing this chapter...

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Dinner at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry had been informative to the students for many years, but especially since Ima Sadeest had become the Director of Student Services. Sadly, as she was currently on the punishment pole with a smug looking Dumbledore behind her, the students realized something was up, and not just Ronda Weasley's bra size. The currently W-cups tended to block out sight of the far end of the table for the other students, while the teachers couldn't see them either.

It was a lucky thing that magic could make things feather light, or else Ronda wouldn't have been able to do much more than lay on the large orbs of fatty tissue to prevent herself from suffocating. The House Elves had pointed out that they were running low on fabric to keep her covered in anything resembling decency several times. However, that was unrelated to the current issue at hand.

"Attention, students, it is with a heavy heart that I report that Director Sadeest will no longer be aiding the students at this fine institution," Dumbledore announced to the general cheer from a good number of her 'assisted' students. A few let out cries of dismay, much to the discomfort of their neighbors. "Due to recent budget cuts, and several outstanding warrants, she is being detained for aurors to pick her up."

"Only because I was going to spank you for endangering students," Sadeest pointed out which got a pointedly suspicious look from Dumbledore.

"Don't worry, he won't be esc...ing that spanking," McGonagall answered while the vast majority of the staff table hefted up paddles and whips of various types. It would appear that her lessons hasn't only been to the students.

Harry blinked as he thought he noticed a gap and McGonagall's lips flicker for a moment, but decided to ask instead what was causing Ronda to expand like that. Hermione was apparently of the same mind to find that out, as she was currently dragging Luna out of the Great Hall by her ear. With a shrug, the boy who lived through several nightmares decided to follow.

"Well we had all that excess material... but nowhere else to store it..." Luna was explaining while pointing to a diagram that Harry was suddenly glad he couldn't see, "And did you hear the soundtrack jump earlier?"

"That wasn't just me?" Harry asked while Hermione looked suspicious at the change in topics. "What's going on, Luna?"

"Excuse me for a moment..." Luna replied, before walking to the Great Hall doors and calling, "Look out, everyone, she's gonna blow!"

She then erected a powerful shielding charm on the doors. "I've never measured the concussive force of that much mass expanding too much..." Luna then continued, "Anyway, Ronda's body is expanding as more and more food is put into it, until-"

She was cut off sharply by a rather meaty explosion and the sound of chunks of meat and other organic materials splattering against the walls. Once everything settled down, Harry bravely peeked inside only to pull out looking decidedly green in the face. "We're going to need another staff table... and staff to fill it... and a good deal of cleanup..."

"Darn. And I was hoping we'd keep at least McGonagall," Luna pouted, "Are all pureborn magicals stupid beyond the age of 18?"

"I'm pretty sure she'll be back... but the fact her arm was currently bent in seven spots was a little disquieting," Harry offered with a shudder. "Hermione, can you go call St. Mungo's? Madam Pomfrey's down as well."

"I'm going to investigate why the soundtrack skipped." Luna muttered, "Something's not working right with the universe... I think a new loop is coming."

This caused a heavy sigh from the two refugees from various dimensions of hell as they realized that another few billion lives were going to be lost to give them another chance at some sort of sanity in their life. It just seemed that things were steadily getting worse, though that was likely the compounding interest of the insanity building with each new life they took on.

Little did they know just what was awaiting them.

"OH COME ON! You can't leave the readers on a cliff-hanger like that!" Luna shouted into the air, which was wisely ignored by Harry and Hermione.


	62. Chapter 62

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Cookies to be handed out to the posters that post a tsundere response.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

To say that Hogwarts wasn't the same without the teachers was a bit of an understatement. The only surviving and uninjured professor had been Flitwick, whose years of duelling gave him the reaction speed enough to erect a shield around his students and himself before the explosion. A feat that the other Heads of House nearly duplicated, which meant that they generally only ended up with multiple broken bones and injuries.

The least ironic death of the teaching staff was that of the former Defense instructor that had been feeding Ronda when she blew up. Until a cleaning of his office showed why his seemingly altruistic actions weren't nearly as pure as he had made it seem. Apparently he had been feeding Ronda more than just food, and not just at meals either, as several magical photographs attested. If they both weren't currently reduced to component parts, they would be facing a wand-point wedding courtesy of one Weasley patriarch. Worst of all, the extra-curricular 'cramming' hadn't even been used to help Ronda's grades, a fact Gred and Forge bemoaned along with her stupidity. The news that she likely had always preferred the wand to the holster was treated as obvious enough that it wasn't going to get so much as a comment out of them.

The fact that he wasn't after Harry won the boy fifty-seven Galleons and seven Sickles in the DADA death pool. A feat that had surprised Rufus the most of all the betters. However, that was another matter, and now it was a brand new day with McGonagall in charge, standing in place of the currently liquidized former headmaster.

"Students, as you all know we are short several professors and staff," McGonagall began, failing to note that they were also short several students, a few elves, a couple of chunks of the school, and any semblance of sanity. But that was only because she didn't want to depress the students, telling the Board of directors was bad enough. "With this in mind, it is my privilege to introduce a few new staff members."

With a wave of her hand she indicated a half-squad of women in rather foreign looking attire. The fact that of the four, only the one with the purple hair seemed remotely close to a natural hair color might have been a good indicator that they weren't exactly 'normal' by even the relaxed standards of the Wizarding World was missed by all the most observant and logically functional of the hall.

So only Harry and Hermione noticed since Luna was still investigating the skipping soundtrack and eating all of the cake of a certain author. Not that he minded her taking that last slice of chocolate cake with cherry topping, it's just he usually preferred being asked, and not having it eating off his fork as it's going towards his mouth.

However, the introductions were getting underway and were far more interesting. At another wave of the surviving headmistress's hand, the regal looking woman with purple hair stepped forward. How she was keeping some of the swells of fabric floating in the air around like that was a mystery, one likely to be explored later, along with why she was constantly glaring at the very light blue haired woman in a form fitting orange and red body suit under a loose white shroud of cloth and a wide black belt, who just waved as she floated alongside the princess-like woman. Her wildly spiked hair gave her a wild look compared to the regal and refined woman. It wasn't until the first yanked the second down did anyone realize that she had literally been floating. Nonplussed McGonagall spoke up over the sudden whispering. "QUIET!" she ordered, silencing the entire hall. Satisfied she gave a smile and nodded. "That's better, now please welcome our new Defense instructors: Ayeka Jurai," she suggested indicating the purple haired girl who simply bowed. She shifted over to the next one that simply waved, "And Ryoko Hakubi."

"It is an honor and a pleasure to serve as your instructors," Ayeka offered with a small smile and a formal curtsey, an act that the other caused Ryoko to mimic gagging behind her back before stepping up with a flare of her pseudo-skirt.

"Heya! I'm Ryoko," she started in a conversational and friendly tone. "The Princess here is the defensive one, I'll be focusing on offensive stuff. Oh, and the new grounds keeper Tenchi Masaki? He's mine."

"As fitting for an offensive creature such as yourself, I fear that I must correct part of your statement. Honestly, how could you possibly delude yourself into thinking that Lord Tenchi might possibly choose such a vile beast such as you over me. It is laughable," Ayeka snarked, causing Ryoko to tense up angrily. "Why don't you crawl back to your little cave, and leave us nice civilized people in peace?"

A shot rang out, both of them going silent as a teal haired woman holstered the weapon she'd drawn. "Can you at least wait until AFTER the introductions are over?" The woman grumbled, "Can't even go five minutes without causing a argument? Last time you got angry at each other, the diplomatic incident required me to fill out several dozen forms since there was a Moldiver marathon on, so I was short-handed."

Without a hint of noticing a section of the ceiling now being a hole big enough to airlift Hagrid through, with room for his entire extended family, McGonagall continued firmly, "Yes, thank you Miss Makibi, however I would like to ask that there be no blowing up the Great Hall during meals."

As the three of them looked sheepishly at the ground around their feet, she continued. "Next up is Professor Washu Hakubi who will be taking over Care of Magical Creatures for Professor Kettleburn as they search for his missing... everything."

A short pink-haired girl bounced forward with a playful grin on her face. "Hi kids! I'm Professor Washu, but please call me Little Washu! Or Pro-sor Little Washu around the other teachers. As you might have noticed, I share a last name with Professor Ryoko. That's because I'm her mother, and baby pictures ar-"

As she was about to continue, a bolt of oddly colored energy passed through the space where her head had been. "NOT available."

Ryoko growled, a house elf being heard to mutter, "Great, and it was bad enough repairing it after the exploding student."

"Oh they most certainly are my dear, for any and all voluntary experiments," Washu countered with a grin that sent chills down the spine of every occupant in the hall. "Anyhow, I hope you all expect to learn a lot from me, I'll also be helping with Potions in the name of SCIENCE!"

The thunder and lightning might have been a bit much, however it was when the little house elf had to break out a push broom to sweep up the ashes that were the remains of the Head Mistress's chair that the hall really felt it had gone too far, as evidenced by the abashed look on the new professor's face. "Sorry..."

"And finally..." McGonagall continued through gritted teeth, somehow able to make it perfectly clear and understandable. "our new Muggle Studies Professor Kiyone Makibi... we would like to pass on the warning from a certified mental healer of the muggle world that should she start twitching and/or pull anything from her personage while dealing with a person with blonde hair, cover or remove your hair and find cover."

"One time... one freaking time, and I get a black mark on my record forever! ARGH! -MIT MIHOSHI!" Kiyone shouted up at the skies, getting nervous looks from the assembled student body, more than a few blondes hiding under the tables.

"Kiyone!" a voice from above shouted with great glee and innocence as a blonde with ample assets across her front drifted almost lazily in the same blue outfit that Kiyone was wearing. "I've been looking for you all over! Why didn't you tell me you were leaving, the GXP said you were on special assignment and that for medical reasons I wasn't supposed to come, but I had to help out my partner."

Shortly after she finished her speech, her parachute got caught on the opening leaving her struggling to hug the green haired woman in front of her. "I missed you, Kiyone!"

"Is that the best they can do?" Luna wondered, standing next to Harry and Hermione with a big pout as the two students nearly jumped out of their skins. Holding out a plate of chocolate cake with cherries on top she smiled innocently. "Cake?"


	63. Chapter 63

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Hey folks, computer crashed, so updates might not be as weekly as normal, but I shall strive hard to continue posting.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Luna, normally we don't ask these types of questions for the good of our sanity," Hermione started calmly while she, Harry, and Luna strode down the hallway towards the Gryffindor towers. "But who are the 'they' you were talking about back there?"

"They are watching right now, so I cannot say..." Luna explained while munching on a piece of apple pie that was supposed to have been saved for a late night snack by one of the authors. "They're also very peeved at me. I think it was the James Bond and Austin Powers crossover that I inspired that they shot down. Even if Harry would look good in a smart suit..."

After a calculating look from Hermione, Harry sighed as he added another item of clothing to look into purchasing during the next loop. After all, it was only enough to clothe an entire nation, what was one more? "You need to also have a car with more gadgets than is sensible and a crotchety old man telling you not to break it at every opportunity, but you still will anyway."

"Sort of like you and the Fourth Wall?" a tall, lanky man in glasses said, walking in followed by a blue haired girl who was munching some ice cream, "Stop bringing up that idea, it's not going to happen."

"Author avatar, it would seem the Fourth Wall is damaged far worse than we thought..." Luna mused while nibbling on a chocolate bunny that seemed to giggle and squirm in her hands. After the pair turned a corner into an abandoned classroom she shouted,"I'll be good, Mister Elthorpe!"

"WHEN PIGS FLY!" Mr. Elthorpe called back hotly.

"Well...there are Runes that could cause porcine to aviate..." Hermione began to explain, for Harry to pat her on the shoulder and shake his head. "Oh right... we're not supposed to interact with them when she's like that..."

"Still, that was one of the authors, apparently trying to tell me not to suggest that idea," Luna explained, "The other one is called Mr. Cobler."

"When is he going to show up?" Harry asked cautiously, his eyes scanning around for the newest pair of DADA instructors. He'd had one that wasn't out to kill him, he wasn't going to take a chance on relying on another one. What he caught sight of was something his prepubescent brain couldn't fully comprehend. If he had to guess it was his two DADA instructors wrestling with the temporary groundskeeper Tenchi Masaki, however why they were doing it in the mud while completely naked was something his young form wasn't ready to understand.

"Harry, it's impolite to spy on teachers making babies," Luna explained while dragging him away from the spectacle, which was about to really go into overdrive if Professor Makibi was about to do anything with that fire hose. "If it was important to the story, we'd have walked into it, not seen it at a distance."

"By the way, Luna, Luna and Dusk will be joining you at Hogwarts after we've fixed the Fourth Wall." Mr. Elthorpe commented as he wandered past again from the opposite direction he left "Have you seen a large hole in space, barely perceptible to anyone who isn't half mad according to human norms?"

"It's over by the Tower of London, right by the old dungeons," Luna answered while continuing the walk.

"I was talking the one I came in using... Oh, forget it, I'll use Pleinair..." Mr. Elthorpe said, before looking at Harry and Hermione, "Oh yes, forgot to introduce myself, Philip Elthorpe, writer, nutcase and fan of you three getting together in a relationship. The guy who is still writing this 'masterpiece' is Bryan Cobler, although he prefers to be called Silent Magi, he likes Chinese girls who can kill a dozen different ways without trying."

A rolled up newspaper smacked Philip upside the back of his skull before a picture of several megane-ko characters appeared in front of him. "We both like those, Bryan!" he shouted to the air, "Me because of... well, I think it's obvious."

Just then a plot hole opened up and swallowed Philip andPleinairout of the hallway, leaving the trio alone again. "Well... that was no weirder than some of the things we've seen..." Harry mused before they continued onward.

"What do you mea-" Hermione started, only to be cut off by chanting coming from an intersecting hallway.

"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" a group of black robed students chanted around a strange set of mystical ruins, while a teacher stood before them leading the chant. After the third rendition of the chant there was a plume of black fire, which vanished leaving only a scroll behind. The teacher knelt down and unrolled it before reading out loud, "Dear Summoners, the elder god you are trying to reach is currently busy with other clients, please hold and they will reach you at their earliest convenience. Please have your virgin sacrifices ready. Thank you, and have a nice day."

"Question redacted," Hermione finished with a heavy sigh.

A piece of paper then dropped in front of Hermione. "Good job he's busy with his new girlfriend?" She read in confusion.

"Let's pretend that didn't happen..." Harry suggested, to the nods of the others.


	64. Chapter 64

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Missed last week's update because of rebuilding the system, please enjoy this update. I'm sorry again for the missing last week.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Attention, students," Dumbledore announced confidently from the head table, drawing a curious look from three students divided between two tables, "We have had to fire some of the teachers we hired recently due to one of them citing diplomatic immunity the governors didn't recognise on her attempting to kill one of the other teachers."

Harry turned to look at Hermione with a curious expression on his face, when a redhead caught his attention. "Hey Harry, pass the gravy, would you?" Ron asked while piling his plate with mashed potatoes.

"Didn't we blow him up?" Hermione hissed while pointing a finger towards their formerly dead, formerly female housemate.

Harry scanned the staff table, and it looked, mostly, like the explosion hadn't happened... at all. "I don't like this Hermione..." Harry stated softly as he wondered about the strange woman wearing armor instead of a set of robes, and the other woman wearing a sensible muggle suit.

"Please help me welcome our two new instructors," Dumbledore continued as though he hadn't died horribly in an explosion. "First, replacing Professor Trelawney while she is recovering from her... mishap... is Professor Cassandra Alexandra."

The woman wearing armor stood up and after a quick look around sighed heavily. "None of you are going to believe me, but this school is going to be destroyed in the next hour."

"Thank you, Professor, but please leave the predictions for in class," Dumbledore cut in, bringing about the truth of her first statement.

As she settled down, Harry heard her grumbling "Don't blame me if you die... again. Blasted Muggle Studies professor. How fun it'll be when the roof falls in..."

"And filling in for our Muggle Studies professor, who is now undergoing corrective treatments at St. Mungo's for her little... mur-ous episode... Ms. Jo Rowling." Dumbledore announced, as a ominous creaking came from above her.

"Did you hear a skip there, Hermione?" Harry asked in alarm as the blonde woman in the muggle suit stood up to universal applause of the entire student body save three students who were looking like they wanted to be anywhere else.

"Mr. Pot-r, Ms. Gr-n-r... Ple- rep-" Miss Rowling said, the skipping getting noticeably worse, her words cut off completely as the roof above her fell in, covering her in masonry, the teachers to either side of her managing to dive out of the way at the last moment.

"I think we're going to need another professor over here, Headmaster," Harry offered quietly as he looked at the red seeping out from under the remains of the ceiling.

It was for this reason that he was able to dive out of the way when the Defence Against Dark Arts teacher stabbed his wand at him and shouted, "AVADA KEDAVRA! Yo-e n-t going t- k-l me if I kill you first!"

From behind the lovely table that was valiantly saving his life, Harry turned towards Hermione and asked. "Are they getting worse at concealing their intents or is it just me?"

"Something worse... How much of what they've been saying has been cut apart by skipping?" Hermione asked as Ron cried out from a misaimed Crucio.

"Oh, don't worry, we'll survive this," Luna called out from Ravenclaw's tables as a siren suddenly went off, Rufus running in through the door to the Great Hall.

"Harry, Hermione, Luna, we've got fanfic sign!" he called out just before a chunk of castle fell out from under him, the man somehow vanishing from the air, leaving a hole filled with a strange black, grey, and white blocks.

Luna yanked them out of the collapsing Great Hall, and into what looked like a cinema, as the projector began to clatter to life

Over the years at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Harry Potter had thought he'd heard and seen everything. So when he was woken up by a female voice in Ron's bed screaming, "BLOODY HELL! I'VE GOT TITS!" he was notably calm and collective in his response.

Suddenly everything froze save for the three students seated in the cinema seating. "I told you not to use that line, Philip!" a voice called out from the back of the room.

"The story was already fucked," The man from earlier countered, "And considering we dropped the building on the Devil Incarnate? And you wrote in the wrong Cassandra!"

"I had to use a modern name for her, Cassandra of Troy would have been too obvious," the other voice answered with a heavy sigh. "She's also referred to as Alexandra, so I just combined the two of them."

"Anyway, How are we going to fix this, Bryan?" Philip asked, "We can't exactly write our way out of this. We just caused a Never-ending Loop by having them watching the story in the story."

"And I don't need a new name," a girl's voice said from the same area, "Anyway, I'm going to go the library, see you again when you next use this literary device."

"Thank you," Bryan offered for a door to slam shut, "I suppose we should introduce ourselves to our guests..."

"You go ahead, They met me when I got lost in the story a chapter or two ago." Philip offered, for his companion to place his face into his hands and sigh heavily.

"I'm Bryan, you guys are characters in stories we're writing, and honestly, I don't know why we keep writing this series. Luna, you're getting scaled back on fourth wall breaking, since we just saw what happens if we don't. Harry, Hermione, do you want me to replace your memories of the previous few incarnations? Honestly, I'd not recommend it."

"I'd not recommend we stay in this frozen story segment too long, in case we invoke the loop that we threw a spanner, wrench, whatever, into." Philip offered, "I think Pleinair hasn't emptied the snack area of ice cream yet."

"Meh, I was done with the popcorn anyhow, too much butter..." Bryan continued as he walked out of a door that just appeared behind him. "What do you think of this for the next chapter... we have them watch JKR's movie versions?"

"Why do you think I dropped the roof on Jo Rowling? We don't do torture..." Philip answered as he snapped his fingers, causing both the screens showing Harry Potter and Twilight to suddenly collapse.

". . . Have you READ this story, mate? Ninety-nine point nine nine nine percent of what we do could be considered torture!" Bryan pointed out as the doors slammed shut behind the two arguing authors, leaving the students behind.

As they left, My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic began on the movie screen, erasing the loop problem completely. "Huh... this isn't bad..." Harry mused as he felt his need for masculine posturing vanish into vapors, enjoying the cartoon with his two best female friends in the multiverse. "I wonder if we could meet them..."


	65. Chapter 65

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Thinking of changing the update day, is there any opinions?

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Hermione, I know you have a saving Harry thing, but isn't picking up four books just because they have his name in the title a little... stalkerish?" Luna asked curiously as she picked up the book Hermione had just set down. "Sorcerer's Stone?"

"Oh, in our first year, we went to try and save the Philosopher's Stone from Voldemort..." Harry explained as he looked up from the fourth book in the series. "Is it weird reading my own life and wondering how I managed to survive this far?"

"Apparently these Yanks can't even get the name of the stone right..." Hermione grumbled while flipping through the second book, copious amounts of notes sprawling over a notebook at her side. "And don't think you're getting out of the talking to I'm going to be giving you Harry James Potter! Honestly, keeping all of this from me..."

"It wasn't keeping, more that it just never came up..." Harry countered while he flicked through the last few pages listlessly. "I'm somewhat glad I didn't finish up the tournament now... Vol-"

"DON'T YOU DARE SPOIL IT FOR ME!" Hermione ordered in a deep and fell voice that would have been more appropriate on a dragon about to use Harry as a toothpick than a short brunette girl. The flames and lightning flashing in the background behind her only added to the suspicion that somewhere in her ancestry was some sort of demon or other non-human entity.

"Yes ma'am," Harry offered meekly as he lowered the book carefully and took a drink of juice. The two weird guys had been nice enough to feed and board them in the cinema, and there had been several showings of various movies that they weren't supposed to know about for another few years yet.

Hermione argued that it was worth it to see the Lord of the Rings Trilogy in live action, since she had loved the animated movies. The fact that the authors outright refused to let them see the movies based on the very book series they were currently reading until they had finished reading up on the portion of their life which had been erased a few dozen times over.

"Luna, you are not going to do anything with polyjuice and me, ever," Hermione muttered, "Now I know why she was telling me about things like that. Must use some other source of hair if we do that anyway... even if I know where the diary actually is."

"Just have a cat-fight Hermione," Harry began, for her to glare at him, "I mean the hair pulling type Hermione."

"Just checking." She grumbled, not liking that she'd have a foul-up that bad with something, continuing her research. Getting to one part she sighed and carefully set the book aside. "No... go outside when there is a Basilisk in the school... duly noted."

"All ready to go back in?" a voice asked from one of the view screens, only to get several magical blasts sent at it. "Riiiight... umm... I suppose not..."

"How could you even think of wanting to send us back into this... nightmare? It's a crime against humanity..." Hermione protested, getting a devious look from the author's face instead of the expression of regret or even remorse.

"No... you are not going back to that story. Where you are going is back into the temporal slip that you left from, I have repaired most of the damage, save for your memories here. Not all of them, just those of this place being here... you'll keep the fun stuff," the author commented with a chuckle. "See, I hated that the Wizarding World bound Harry's hands so much... I know you three are ready for more power and responsibility... just leave the fourth wall alone, right Luna?"

"No fun..." Luna grumbled as she pouted.

"Have you decided what year you want to go back to?" he asked while pointedly ignoring the blonde. "As you know, I have stuff for all four of them..."

"I think seeing Professor Lupin again would be good..." Harry answered quietly, a small smile on his face. "I have a lot more questions about my parents that I hope he can tell me. And... maybe this time we can free Sirius."

"Right, will try to remember the rat trap for you," the author offered with a chuckle. "Now then... anything I can get for you while you wait for the trip back?"

"CAKE!" Luna shouted, for a three-tiered cake with pink frosting to appear before her. "Thank you!"

"What if we don't want to go back?" Hermione asked while Harry was busy getting stuffed with sweets by Luna. "There's so much more we can do here..."

"You're going Hermione, to be honest, 'here' isn't even real. It is something like a waiting room between worlds, and leaving it up is unstabilizing things worse. Besides, you would hate my world just as much as yours, more idiots in power."

"Fine... any investment advice?"

"Computers will take off big in the mid-nineties, but I'd say buy up a good amount of gold and sit on it. It will help much more than any other investment," the author offered with a shrug. "Not that it will help much."

"Right, because you are creating and building the world we're to live in," Hermione agreed as the screen faded to black.


	66. Chapter 66

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Sorry for the delay on updating, concked out about a half hour before... to try and make up for it, how about a reviewer bonus? Leave the word "Magister" in the review and I'll post some of an original story I'm working on.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Harry opened his eyes groggily as he found himself in a strange location. The dark and dusty building was oddly familiar, however he couldn't place it immediately. That was when he found a birthday cake written in the dirt on the floor. It was his birthday, and if he wasn't mistaken, there would be a pounding on the door in a moment.

He then heard a crashing sound, as well as grinding of gears, then a knocking on the door. Vernon opened it to blink as a brown-haired girl and a blond-haired girl that Harry recognised walked in, Harry noticing a clearly broken blue Ford Anglia in the rocks. "Look, I told you I can't drive, I'm not old enough, and it's bad enough that we've crashed Arthur's car, and will have to explain to Ginny about the fact." The blond girl said.

"What the hell is going on?" Harry asked.

"Well, we could go with 'Harry, You're a wizard. You're about to go into a magical world where everyone will only support you when you lead them as a hero, and will stab you in the back if you sneeze wrong in their eyes, and there's so many tiny clauses in how society works that you could sneeze wrong walking across the street. You'll also meet a cute and intelligent young girl who'll help you cope with the magical world, but your supposed best friend will take her and give you to a bratty fangirl.' or we could go to a magical school I found thanks to a manga I was reading and say balls to Hogwarts," Hermione offered with a wide smile as she held up a brochure for the second school.

"You do know that the author won't allow it, right?" Harry hissed.

"He allowed it this far, why not let us go there for a couple chapters?" Luna answered just as a lightning bolt struck a few yards away.

"Oh well, it's not like we've not stolen Arthur's car and done something stupid before now..." Harry mused wryly as he walked out with the two girls, Vernon tried to figure out how they drove to a remote island like that, and what they were even doing.

When Hagrid arrived a short while after they left, he simply obliviated the muggles and sent along a message via owl about Harry having gone missing. This owl would have the unfortunate timing to arrive minutes after three rejection letters arrive on Dumbledore's desk from the houses of Granger, Lovegood, and Potter. Unfortunate in the sense the Headmaster made roast owl a part of the menu.

Meanwhile, in a village surrounded by rolling hills covered in heather, Harry was getting to know his classmate and roomie for the first term. "My name is Negi Springfield, it's a pleasure to meet you. What's your name?" the shorter brown-haired boy asked curiously, which drew a smile from Harry.

As they shook hands, Harry decided that he liked this boy, simply for the fact he had no reaction to his name when he answered, "Harry Potter." After a moment he let out a soft laugh and continued, "And believe me, the pleasure's all mine."


	67. Chapter 67

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

You know what's going to happen, don't you?

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Well now that we've graduated from a magic academy, we don't have to worry about Dumbledore trying to drag us back to Hogwarts," Harry offered happily as they waited for their graduation. The worst time had been the incident with the griffin-dragon hybrid they'd helped Harry's roommate with.

Hermione smiled happily as she held up her results. "I'm going to be a assistant librarian at... Mahora Girl's Academy... somewhere in..."

"Japan?" Harry supplied while holding up his results, saying that he was supposed to be a teaching assistant to the newest instructor of class 2-A. "Seems a bit... strange..."

"What did Luna get?" Hermione asked as their oddly silent friend looked down at her letter.

"Spectral Liaison for... Mahora Academy too..." Luna said, "They apparently have problems with a ghost and a vampire in Class 2-A. Apparently they both haven't graduated yet, after over fifty years."

"Wonderful! We'll find a nice house somewhere near the academy and live together there," Hermione supplied with a satisfied smirk.

"Apparently it's a rather large campus. They have effectively a small village that is the school grounds." Negi offered, holding up the welcome pack, "Do you know if they've assigned my teaching assistant? I've got a instructor job there."

"Oh bugger me..." Harry groaned as he pulled out some duct tape. "Let's take care of this before we leave... NO KISSES, NO PACTIOS!"

"Just because of that accident... twice... during Pactio classes." Negi offered while trying to scramble away from the magic impervious adhesive material, "The teacher gave you and your friends extra credit..."

"No... part of my job title is to protect you as well..." Harry explained while stalking closer towards the smaller young boy. "I'm going to ensure that you're SAFE."

"Only after he's got the bookstore to kiss him," Luna declared airily.

"No kisses for him," Harry stated calmly, while Negi's friend Anna agreed from the shadows.

"The bookstore is like the bookcase..." Luna continued in her strange tone, pointing at Hermione, "That one wasn't really an accident."

"Luna, you're not helping..." Harry commented calmly as he duct-taped Negi to the wall. "We all know what's going to happen, and honestly, I don't want to deal with that. It's his luck."

"Like our luck was to end up stuck in a time loop until we got lost in a cinema that broke down and then decided to not attend Hogwarts at all?" Hermione offered, peeling Negi off the wall, "We either attend Mahora Academy with Negi, or we end up causing ourselves to end up at the cinema again because the narrative comes to a screeching halt."

"We can still prevent some of those Pactios, right?" Harry asked cautiously, "Oh and maybe get him to not sneak into other people's beds..."

"Well, Maybe the bookstore's," Luna offered, "And get the tomboy to switch rooms..."

"No shipping!" Hermione ordered sternly.

"I think I know this story, and I know exactly how to make things go very well." Luna offered with an airy smile, "You only read the books, I was in the manga section."

"I watched the animes. You are not having Secchan switch rooms with her." Hermione snapped, "That'll cause even bigger problems."

"Excuse me, but what's going on?" Negi asked.

"FOURTH WALL!" Harry called out to the bickering girls, "Sheesh, it was bad enough with my life."

A moment later, they were all on the train to the airport, with no further explanation.

"Cheating author," Luna grumbled, "At least we're not going to Hogwarts..."


	68. Chapter 68

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

My friend Valentine Meikin might be whipping up a Negi focused version of these chapters and posting it on his profile... go send them some PM love, eh? - Sorry about the delay, brain went to bed while I was watching anime and the past couple weeks have been busy at work...

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

To the unprepared the first experience of Mahora Academy is being completely and utterly overwhelmed, for those that are prepared it is being overwhelmed in a way that there is no chance of preparation for. The 'small town' that sprung up around the academy was actually closer to downtown London than any small town they might have considered. The first clue to this little factoid probably should have been that it had several dedicated train-lines, and that there were actual district divisions. That the train ride was about an hour long once they actually made it to the outermost station should have been another clue.

****

But being at the very heart of the city, under the tree that they had come to know as 'The World Tree' they couldn't help but feel lost amongst the teeming sea of life that surrounded them. Harry sighed in contentment as he sipped his tea, looking out at the peaceful scene before them. "You know girls, I know we managed to derail the canon story here, and we'll likely get wiped from their memories soon enough, but I think we did good."

****

"That's true, but... aren't we forgetting something?" Hermione asked as she chewed a sweet roll in thought. She couldn't shake the feeling that they were forgetting some major plot point that was about to occur.

****

"I managed to keep Asuna from noticing Negi saving Nodoka, we didn't even need to worry about the love potion incident... We won the dodgeball easily..." Luna ticked off, "There's nothing at all we need to do with them for the next few weeks, not a thing."

****

"Oh, by the way Hermione, the girls will likely be swarming the library soon, we have a major exam coming up, and some heard rumors of-" Harry started before getting cut off by Hermione stiffening visibly. "You just remembered something."

****

"Great. I was hoping she'd forget that," Luna moaned.

****

"The library expedition! I wanted to go on it!" Hermione shouted with a huff as she crossed her arms over her chest.

****

"It's not started yet. They'll be doing it starting this afternoon," Luna huffed as she blew a strand of her hair out of her eyes, "I was trying to stop you doing it, since I didn't want to end up in a place like that for the next week..."

****

"It was only a weekend, remember three bands around his wrist?" Harry pointed out placidly as he finished off his tea. "We'll sit this one-"

****

He didn't get to finish as Hermione glared at him. "No."

****

"Hermione, you'll finish the expedition, then spend the rest of the week studying the bookshelves we travelled over," Luna moaned, following the bibliophile as she got up and strode forth with a sigh.

****

"Petrificus totalus!" Harry called out, his wand sending out a bolt of magic which froze Hermione in her tracks. "Now then, let us finish this rationally, shall we?"

****

"Rationally, you said..." Luna grumbled as she walked along in explorer's gear a hour later, Nodoka and Hermione both leading their respective groups into the depths of the library, "She is worse than Molly Weasley when you try to keep her away from books."

****

"However, I did manage to get it down to one book this trip, and that she'd return it per library policy," Harry countered while trudging along, hauling along the teacher he was 'assisting'. The fact that the boy was currently wrapped in a layer of duct tape had nothing to do with the three black bands around his arm, or the pactios they were trying to avoid. Nothing whatsoever.

****

"Next time you do something like this, make a deal with the students that you'll not buy Nodoka a book when she actually manages an entire lesson without blushing, not seal your magic for three days just before a major exam..." Luna offered, "Although, the deal with Nodoka would get expensive."

****

Harry and Negi looked at the matching book bags both Hermione and Nodoka had, knowing what book was in both. After a minute they both shared a thought about duct taping the entire party and dragging them back to the dorms.

****

"No you don't." Hermione uttered, "We need to complete this expedition to help the baka rangers with their studying."

****

"Damn earpieces. Why did she have to get the copy with the magical reading earpieces?" Harry muttered darkly while glaring at the girl that had bent time and several books worth of reading to get Hermione a birthday present.


	69. Chapter 69

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

For those that are suffering through these Negima chapters, don't worry it shall end soon. For those enjoying them, don't worry there'll likely be more of them in the future. Those who wish me luck on my interview this afternoon will get a special sneak peek at one of the projects I'm working on.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

After facing a golem, a scary Hermione Granger, and three days of intense study, the arrival of reports of vampire incidents was an almost welcome reprieve for Harry, and by odd coincidence Negi.

"Why are Nodoka and Hermione blushing and comparing notes?" Negi asked, for Luna to look at their Diarium Ejus'. "Threesomes? Both of you?" Luna muttered as she looked at the pictures that were appearing, "Do bibliophiles have no shame? Also I am not quite that gifted Hermione."

"How about that vampire rumor Negi? Think there's any truth to them?" Harry asked as a way to change the topic he hoped.

"I need three gothic styled dresses, and two victorian style men's outfits." Luna announced as she posed dramatically, "We then go visit Evangeline, and throw magic at each other for a few hours. That should tire her out enough to stop attacking people."

"Does the concept of not revealing spoilers just not register with you?" Hermione asked curiously as she indicated Negi's confused expression.

"Evangeline is a vampire that your father left at the school because she was rather too powerful to leave wandering around. Chachamaru is her robot assistant, and I'm not revealing how she can have such an advanced robot yet." Luna offered with a simple shrug of her shoulders, "I'll say what that is the day Sayo and Kazumi get married."'

"Isn't that still illegal?" Negi asked in confusion as he looked over towards where those two students were rooming. "Technically that's necrophilia isn't it?"

"Well, you could also go into the fact there's a hanyou dating the principal's daughter, at least one demon in our class, and we could also go into Asuna Vesperina Theotanasia Entheofushia Kagurazaki, and her really odd ability to block magic," Luna offered, having managed to say all of Asuna's name in one breath.

"I told you it was a mouthful, not quite as bad as our former headmaster's, but still long..." Hermione pointed out with a sigh. "You do realize that we're going to have problems remaining here if we continue to disrupt the timeline, right?"

"Not really. We're anarchists who don't want to read the original timeline..." A familiar bespectacled man supplied while looking at Nodoka, and flicking an autograph book to a picture of Mamiko Noto, "Yep, going to need the autograph book... Sign here, under the picture I pointed to."

"Gouken..." another voice grumbled as a portal opened behind the bespectacled man, for a hand to reach out and drag him back violently.

"OK, the writers don't care if I break the fourth wall only a little," Luna countered, "Anyway, Gothic attire, visit to Evangeline, stop the vampire attacks?"

The guys looked at each other worriedly as they shared a shrug of confusion, Harry sighed and looked at the girls with a frown. "Give me a minute to access my pocket dimension. I'm sure I have something in there that would fit... and then shopping."

"Maybe they have some meat buns..." Luna declared gleefully, and they prepared for what could be the most unique halting of a vampire attack in the history of the magical worlds.


	70. Chapter 70

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Today's going to be a posting day for me... mostly in other fandoms, sorry mates.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Hermione, you have a problem..." Harry stated with a heavy sigh. "You just seem to get stoned far too often..."

"That was not my fault!" Hermione protested as she glared at the white haired boy that was currently bound and gagged at Luna's feet. "Can I kick the basilisk wanna-be again?"

"No, no kicking the homulcrux while he's down, Hermione," Luna stated while petting said boy on the head. "Besides, we need someone to up the homosexual romantic tension for the fangirls."

Harry sighed as he rubbed his temples with a slightly annoyed expression. "Luna, I'm starting to see the reason the authors keep telling you off for spoilers."

"Good point, but we'll still be booted out of this story soon. We have been here for over a year now without any problems." Luna observed, "I'm sure the fans are starting to get bored of the old formula being dropped."

"I'm not complaining about the lack of problems... but I honestly don't believe that Molly's going to let me slip away like this," Harry explained while performing a warding sign to protect himself from said redhead menace.

"Why do you think we slipped the storyline track?" Luna asked casually, "They're probably still waiting for us to arrive in Hogwarts, since you've not arrived yet."

"Do we have to go back there? Isn't there any other nice places we could go? Maybe in the Americas? Or Australia... or... well just not Magical Europe..." Harry asked pointedly, all three of them ignoring the boy laying at their feet.

"Depends on when we're yanked back onto track. I suspect it will be during the Wizards vs Martians battle, since it is a temporal hot zone," Luna suggested casually as though it wasn't a major plot point or anything., "One wild temporal strike, we're back when we started."

"Year Four, about the second or third task?" Harry asked sarcastically, as he actually could remember the exact week that this insanity started.

"These authors aren't obsessed with that particular year. They actually care about how much happened before then." Luna replied just as dryly, "We seemed to end up around the beginning of the first or second year after the first few hops."

"They did promise to expand upon the temporal reset points, since they were running out of material for the first couple years," Hermione explained while pulling out a book from her bottomless bag.

"I think they probably also stuck us in this story while they actually get their minds in gear for the next group of quotes... And some of them are really terrible... There was this one..." Luna began, for her to stop as the 'native' school students walked towards them, "Oh pooh, the plot's back."

"Harry, thank you for protecting me earlier," Negi offered with a wide smile on his face. "Who's your friend?"

"He's an asshole," Hermione offered with a heavy glare at him, "We're used to it. Back where we came from, we were surrounded by assholes."

"Never should have let her watch Spaceballs..." Harry mumbled before clearing his throat. "He's not technically our friend, his name is Fate, and he was to eventually be your main rival and source of homoerotic fangirl musings, seconded by the wolf-boy you fought."

"Ahem, actually..." Luna started, "He marries Natsumi."

"Yes, but it's still a matter of fangirls... remember they shipped Hermione and Bellatrix Lestrange..."

"I think they got confused about which one is the dominatrix in the bedroom," Luna tried for Hermione to hold up a story where she has Bellatrix begging on her knees.

"Gotta love that they have Fanfiction of us in this universe," Harry stated hollowly, "Including a riveting 7 book series."

"How about that one where Ron and Draco teamed up to turn you g-?" Luna asked 'innocently' for Hermione to silence her with her hand.

"I told you not to go near that part of the internet, pet..." Hermione purred, Harry wondering if she'd actually had a duff Polyjuice Potion in one version of Second Year. Then he remembered she hadn't seen Second Year since this insanity started, at least not one where she had to brew a potion.

"Hermione, go to the hotel with Luna, and destress." Harry offered, "I do not want to know what happens, but if she goes anywhere near anything involving Draco in a relationship with anything but a Dementor, spank her once per chapter, and stop doing it if she starts begging for them or cheating."

"You do realize she's acting against what has been stated in this story thus far right?" Luna pointed out as she was being dragged away.

Harry sighed, and looked towards Negi and Nodoka. "So how was your first date?" He asked cheerfully as he put his foot on Fate's back just between the shoulder blades. "Enjoy the shrine visits while I delivered that letter for you?"


	71. Chapter 71

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Today I have snuck in a couple rules of the internet along with story fodder... those that can separate the fodder from the rules... (AKA tell me the rules used) will get a sneak peek at a project.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"So the 'harmless' fun of the tournament ended up with us like this..." Harry mused as he looked around the new and empty space the trio found themselves in. "I have to ask... how did the Cassiopeia Drive land us here?"

"Maybe it's the fact we're barely linked to any kind of temporal system known to man, beast or machine?" Luna offered as she did a forward roll in the void like environment they were in.

"I'm not even sure how many different ways we've punched a hole in time and space myself." Hermione replied while trying to hold her skirt down, she really should have worn her jeans that day, after all they were going to be in running fights. And she knew this when she was getting dressed.

"Well, the good news is, you're alive," a familiar voice said as a man in a zoot suit they recognised walked over, "The bad news is that you're outside of any kind of temporal pathway I know."

"So... what you're saying is we're stuck here?" Harry asked while wondering how the man walked on the ground that wasn't there.

"I'm too cool to not do so," Rufus declared towards the fourth wall, getting out a phone and dialling somewhere, for a door to appear in space, containing the wall of a Phone Booth, which he picked up the phone of, "Hello, Customer Service, I have three people outside of the Circuits Of Time, and about... several million Cybermen and Daleks floating around a few parsecs below us, about a couple of decades away by dialling number... Yes, yes, I know I'm not meant to call for Customer Service lines in the Void, but the Time Lords aren't going to complain."

"I'm a Time Lady... well part Gallifreyans..." Luna pointed out as she pointed to a strange opening that had appeared on the horizon. "I will complain most strongly if you end my fun."

"As I expected... Are all Gallifreyans stick-in-the-muds?" Rufus stated, as he tapped in a number on his handheld phone, and disappeared into a hole in the space.

"Now, let's go have an adventure!" Luna shouted as she shot towards the opening that she had been pointing to. With nothing else to do, her companions followed suit. What they found was nothing like they could have possibly imagined. Instead of the void which they had left, they were now in a seemingly endless hallway that stretched on beyond what they could see, with mirrors lining one side of it. Turning around, they found that the opening they had entered through was now sealed, and in its place was a solid wall with the number zero painted on it.

"Any guesses?" Harry asked, as he turned to look at the mirror, seeing a number one above it as it reflected the three of them in front of a padded wall. Looking over his shoulder, he noted that the wall there was very much solid concrete. Turning back to look at the mirror again, he wondered what was going on, until he noticed that the girls and he were all wearing straightjackets.

"I would say that this is the Viewing Hall of Dimensions..." Hermione answered as she pointed to a golden plaque that had appeared out of thin air. "Apparently this is our current status in any given dimension... so Dimension 1 here... we're in an archaic asylum..."

"We were crazy to believe in magic?" Harry asked, getting a pissed nod from the trio in the mirror. "You can hear us?" As the mirror threesome nodded once more, the ones we care about moved away slowly. As they passed mirrors, they found that each one had the three of them reflected, but there were clear differences in each scene. In one mirror they looked like they had just stepped off the cover of a fantasy novel, in the next Harry was weak and sickly looking while the girls stood guard over his frail form.

Then there was the one in which Harry was a vampire about to drink of Hermione's blood, while Luna was blindfolded and holding a crystal ball, and Hermione was holding Harry's head as she guided him towards her neck. The fact that Harry seemed very reluctant spoke volumes about the boy's dislike of what he had become. After a couple dozen mirrors they finally came to an odd one out.

It was covered by a curtain with a sign that read 'No Admittance to Minors'. Looking at Hermione, she shrugged before moving towards the next one, while Luna leaned in and peeked around the corner. "Oooooo... I like this mirror... I guess being mentally over 18 counts..."

Harry figured that if Luna was able to look past the curtain on Mirror 34, he should be able to as well. A moment later he was dragging Luna away after Hermione with a heavy blush on his cheeks. Luna for her part was looking suspiciously towards Harry's pants. "Is your wand really eleven inches?"

"Of course it is, Luna, you were with us when he got it polished the last time," Hermione exclaimed in exasperation as they looked in on Hermione holding a ceremony with Harry and Luna over Ron's body. The Necronomicon on the pedestal before her seemed to wink at the trio before they moved along.

"Hermione she's talking about my-" Harry started to explain before getting cut off by Luna.

"Wand size, yes... you've used his wand, haven't you Hermione?" Luna asked in a nearly innocent tone, one that Hermione should have recognized as being mischievous, but was distracted by the mirror filled with endless rows of books that she was reading, while Harry and Luna acted as her research assistants.

"I already told you I did," Hermione answered while their little tour continued. "Back in first year, it was an interesting experience. So warm and yielding to me... I could almost use it every day."

"Oh really?" Luna purred in stereo as the mirror version was a catgirl, as was Hermione, Harry for his part looked almost girly with how pretty he was. The fact that there was a huge robot in the background with the Hogwarts crest on it, the two girls were wearing stylized uniforms, and Harry had a sword that was easily five times his body mass strapped to his back made them wonder just what dimension this was. When the plaque shifted to read 'anime' they got something of an answer before moving on.

"Hey, this one's odd..." Harry supplied after a few more mirrors as he pointed to one marked 63. In it there was a girl that looked like his mother with a scar on her forehead curled on a couch while a strong looking brown-haired, young man read from a book and a blonde boy in Ravenclaw blue lazily played with the girl's hair. "Where are we?"

"Harry... you're the girl..." Hermione supplied, getting a nod from the book reading brunette.

This seemed to not shock Harry as much as it might have, but rather he looked closer for a moment before chuckling. "I suppose no matter who we were... you were always there for me Hermione..."

"Of course... though if it wasn't for Ron-" Hermione started before pausing as her male counterpart leaned down and kissed Harry's female version lightly on the forehead, brushing some of her wild, untamed hair out of the way first.

"We would have been friends a lot sooner," Harry answered before letting the mirror trio have their moment, Hermione joining him. Luna stayed for a moment longer before skipping along after them merrily.

"Hermione, could you kiss me like your male form just did?" Luna asked before they arrived at the next mirror.

"No," the bookworm answered, only to sigh a moment later as Luna hit her with the biggest point and a cute "Oh... pooh..." combo.

"At least, not unless we start dating..." Hermione amended, knowing that there were many variables in the infinite universes and timelines that she couldn't account for at this point. She could at least understand that as of right now, she wasn't about to start kissing Luna like anyone else for now.

"YAY!" Luna chirped as she bounced happily along.


	72. Chapter 72

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Somewhere, a theoretical physicist is crying, and he/she has no idea why. Who wants to guess what mirror's my favorite?

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Girls, we've passed nearly six hundred mirrors, I think it's safe to say that this is a long hallway," Harry grumbled as they passed their five-hundred ninety-fifth mirror. This one had the three of them doing what he could only guess was interpretive dances, with poles, and skimpy outfits, and he didn't want to think much farther than that.

****

"Any chance for a guide?" Harry asked, hoping that the hallway would provide something for them to reference where they were wandering towards. What he got was far less helpful than he'd wished for. The device that appeared in his pocket looked like one of those gameboy things he'd heard Dudley complaining about wanting, but had no buttons and only a large screen.

****

When it started singing "Toucha-toucha-touch me! I wanna feel dirty!" in a female voice, he could only stare helplessly in confusion as the girls whirled around to see what was going on. As the song grew progressively more risqué, Harry finally tried touching the screen, getting a rather pleased sounding moan from the strange device which followed it with a coo, "Oh, thank you Master! Please may this one have another?"

****

Instead of something that looked like a female body, Harry found himself looking at a list. A long, long, long, list. It was currently scrolling through the millions and didn't seem ready to stop, at least until he lifted his finger. "Huh... apparently Mirror one-million, five-hundred thirty-nine thousand, forty-two has you two as lycanthropes, while I am a normal human... Which is a protected species, meaning you can only imagine what I'd look like as a catboy."

****

"Absolutely adorable..." Luna purred as she passed mirror five-hundred ninety-six, which had Harry the cat boy chasing around a laser pointer controlled by Luna and Hermione who appeared to be attending a muggle school, judging by the uniforms. After ten minutes of the girls squealing in delight over the antics of the girls in the mirror, Harry dragged them away by the neck of their shirts. The next one stopped the trio dead in their tracks, for what they saw removed any chance of mental processes from forming.

****

"Ooooo can we try on those shiny outfits?" Luna asked as she pointed to herself. "Just look how they lift and separate..."

****

That seemed to snap Harry and Hermione out of their hormone fuelled freeze up. For a second later they dragged Luna between two mirrors and sat her down, with one of them on either side of her. "I think we need to actually figure out our next stop before we see more than we ever wanted to..."

****

"But I want to see more of us in tho-" Luna started to protest, only for a strap of duct tape to appear over her mouth.

****

"Agreed, what does that guide say?" Hermione asked while Harry pulled out the device again and showed her the screen. "Huh... There's a strange one coming up... Number 600 - SRT: Authorized Personnel Only. And it is highlighted, with a mark saying 'GO HERE', I believe it's trying to guide us."

****

"Funny that, what with it being a guide and all," Harry mused as he tucked the device away again. "Hermione, what was with that spiked paddle you were showing Luna?"

****

"I dare not imagine," Hermione stated as she shook her head. "Let's go."

****

At the five-hundred and ninety-ninth mirror Harry had to pause, he was sitting in an ornate, high-backed chair wearing a smart suit, a cigar in one hand. On his shoulders were Hermione and Luna in painted on black dresses that did wonders for their figures, and killed many of Harry's upper thought processes. Behind him, a tall 'man' could be seen holding a tray of drinks, while a disembodied hand massaged his neck. As the girls paused to look, Harry saw himself winking back at the trio, just before a familiar melody struck up, getting a double snap from the group in the picture.

****

"Harry, Hermione, why did you snap your fingers alongside the mirror versions?" Luna asked with an almost too innocent tone.

****

"Tradition," Hermione declared with a slight blush.

****

"So this is what I would have been like growing up with the Addams Family..." Harry mused once his brain had rebooted. "Have to say, would prefer without the smoking."

****

"It's traditional, my boy," a man's voice said from outside of the frame, somehow hearing Harry, "All Addams men smoke. Anyway, it's low tobacco. And don't ask how you can hear me, It's a Addams secret."

****

"Gomez!" Harry exclaimed happily as he turned to look at the man that had taught him so much. "I gave up trying to figure out all the family secrets ages ago..."

****

"Well, I do have one to give you right now. Throw it to him, Thing." Gomez declared, for the mirror Thing to toss Harry a genealogy book, which Harry looked through, and smirked.

****

"Oh that's typical," Harry muttered, showing them a entry. Apparently, Sirius's grandfather on his mother's side was an Addams.

****

"And you are a Addams four times removed... Hell, every single one of the Marauders has an Addams at least two generations from themselves," Hermione added while tracing the lines

****

"That's the secret," Gomez declared, "No prankster isn't also an Addams!"

****

"I don't see Weasleys or Prewitts... you don't think the twins..." Harry started, trailing off as he bordered on suggesting Molly cheated on Arthur.

****

"Ahem..." Luna said, pointing out, "Fred and George Addams - Adopted by A. Weasley after S. Addams birthed them nine months after a soiree hosted by G. Addams. Arthur cheated on Molly."

****

"Well now, that explains why Molly can never keep those two straight..." Harry supplied before getting nudged along towards the first corner in the hall they'd come to. What they found when they turned it was an armed guard pointing machine guns at them, while the mirror behind the guards was covered and bound up in police tape. "We... come in peace?"

****

"They're human," one of the guards commented into a walkie talkie, "Unlike the other 29,485,867 we've found so far."

****

"You may proceed past this mirror," the other ordered while sidestepping to create an opening for the trio to pass, the machine guns still trained upon them. "There will be other checkpoints at corners, the passphrase is 'The canon is t-..."

****

A strange blonde haired girl suddenly collided with the side of the man, before a pink haired girl who was dressed in an odd blue and pink outfit, with what looked like jet boosters coming out of her back, tackled the other guard.

****

"What the hell are they doing in the nexus, Alisa?" the blonde asked hotly as she kicked the guard's head a few times for good measure.

****

"Don't know, Mu." The pinkette offered as she bound her target in the police tape, "Information is sketchy around here, do we have any clue who they are?"

****

The blonde seemed to freeze up for a moment as an electric haze passed over her eyes, "Targets identifying, identifying... Potter, Harry James... Lovegood, Luna Celeste... Granger, Hermione J..." She stated in a flat tone, before, snapping back to normal, she declared, "The three over there are who we came here to rescue."

****

"Good, so let's get them out of here before the backup shows up and pumps us all full of lead," Alisa deadpanned as she pointed towards the mirror.

****

"Alisa, you are a gynoid, I am a Boundary Interface Unit." 'Mu' replied, "Name's Noel Vermillion, or sometimes Mu-12, and this is Alisa Bosconovich. We're not with them."

****

"Would hate to see what you would do to us if you were with them," Harry snarked as he eyed the two non-humans. "So... how do we leave here?"

****

"Do something completely illogical." Noel offered, "Well, Does that mirror look good as a door?"

****

"Sure if I was Alice Liddel," Hermione commented offhandedly, only for Luna to simply leap through. "I'm pretty sure she's a descendant of hers..."

****

"We are sure too, but she's exactly right. It is completely illogical to assume a mirror is not a mirror." Alisa offered, then jetted through. With a shrug, the main characters decided to follow the lead of their supporting cast, only to end up in a military looking base. Looking up they found two guys looking at them curiously.

****

One of them was wearing shades, despite the low light level in the room. After a moment he turned away and opened a rune covered book, which drew Hermione's interest.

****

"Down, Hermione," The other man declared, "Not safe for you to use it, or touch... yet."

****

The silent partner looked over at the second man before sighing and waving a hand, closing up the mirror shaped opening that the five had just entered through. After a moment, he tapped the talkative one on the shoulder and tapped his watch.

****

"Good idea," The one who had spoke first explained as he got out a strange phone that folded like a clamshell, "Hello, is this Dominos Pizza, I need a delivery of six Meateor pizzas to the old abandoned military base on the outskirts of Hokkaido... No this is not a prank. A prank is when someone stuffs a banana up your tailpipe."

****

The rather silent, but magically adept partner put his forehead into the palm of his hand while a look of exasperation crossed his face. It seemed this might have been a standing problem with the two of them.

****

"Order is done. They really don't appreciate my humor. Best get out of here or they might think we did prank them," the talkative one declared, "I hope you don't mind meat, meat and more meat on your pizzas."

****

"That's fine, we don't get much pizza at Hogwarts, so it should be good for a change," Harry explained while trying to figure if the silent partner was resisting a desire to strangle the talkative one, or just to walk out.

****

"Alisa, you go cause chaos, Noel, Murakumo Awaken." The talkative one declared, for Noel to freeze up as a giant sword descended from seemingly the sky, docking with her back, only for her to turn into some kind of blade-wielding angel, which joined Alisa in destroying things, "Gotta love having an engine of mass destruction who can out shoot Pleinair in a gunfight too."

****

"Plei-..." Hermione muttered, looking at the man more carefully, "Philip?!"

****

The silent one smirked as he tapped his glasses, reverting them to their normal tint. "Good to see you as well, Miss Granger, we are... character representatives of the authors you have met."

****

"Way to break the fourth wall, Bry." Philip declared, "Admittedly, for us, this isn't even canon, although I will definitely look into waylaying Dr. B's daughter when it comes up."

****

"So... we have about a half-hour before pizza, then another ten minutes before company... which safe house should we use?" 'Bry' asked as he shifted his glasses to dark again, his voice growing quieter as the darkness built.

****

"The usual one, The Arcade. We do have an embargo on CP there, even though they know full well we own it," Philip explained while the once more quiet magic user pulled up floating representation of a few vehicles, including what could only be seen as a tank, an APC, a flying carpet, and The Wienermobile.

****

"I hate when Pleinair and Ben are using the Veyron as a police cruiser," Philip muttered only for the magic user to slap him upside the head and indicate that they had a few too many people to fit in there.

****

"True, true..." he replied while rubbing the back of his head, for him to look thoughtful, and get out his phone, calling someone, "Sari, can you get a couple of your friends to come to Hokkaido and pick us up? Preferably ones who aren't doing any actual patrolling. In about forty minutes."

****

Slashing his hand through the image, the mage turned away as it dispersed. Finding a quiet corner, he pulled out his rune covered book and flipped to a section bookmarked a tag with a fireball drawn onto it. Apparently he wanted a 'warm reception' ready for their company.

****

"OK, let's book." Philip declared, getting out a set of slender rods from one of his pockets, "Hold them in front of you, and ignore all the laws of motion and physics you're about to break."

****

He then did so, and suddenly a futuristic looking motorcycle appeared around him, fairly humming with energy. The mage waved the trio to join him, tucking his rod in next to him as he continued reading from his tome.

****

"OK, since when did TRON exist in the real world?" Hermione asked as she activated her light cycle.

****

"The real world... Hasn't existed for years," Philip declared, then the world turned into a blur, with only four walls of light being the only constant, directly behind them.


	73. Chapter 73

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Who can guess what's going to happen next? Posting early due to am shift at work.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

When the world returned to something resembling actual shapes, the trio found themselves looking at the magic user, still reading his book in the gatehouse of the base, and he wasn't alone. With him in the gatehouse was a brown-haired young man, idly floating a strangely colored crystal in his right hand.

The light cycles vanished as they arrived at the gatehouse, allowing them to stand up and look around, Philip ran one hand through his hair. After a moment he motioned for the trio to get comfortable.

"In the year 2000, due to the Millennium Bug not being accounted for in a computer system controlling the barriers between various realities, including our own, a meta-fictional non-reality was created where all fiction potentially could exist at once." Philip explained as they stood in the base entrance, "Those guys who were shepherding you past the mirror of this world are the Continuity Police, who, if they knew the crap you've been through, would kill you on the spot."

"Sounds about par for the course," Harry grumbled as he leaned back against the wall.

"It's how the CP work - Say the author, in a fit of spite, wrote that Harry Potter broke his leg falling down one of the staircases and was left in the hospital wing for the best part of a year, while Ron Weasley managed to solve the big crisis in Hogwarts without him." Philip declared, "As far as the CP are concerned, you MUST break your leg falling down one of the staircases, and they'd go out of their way to ensure Ron saved the day, despite the likelihood of that happening being slim to none."

The young man with the crystal took a chance to speak as his companion discussed the motives of the CP to the trio. "They also love a quickly ended series, for better or for worse - the name's Mike by the way, charmed. Anyway, the sooner the series hits a logical conclusion the better, even when everyone involved is dead or otherwise unhappily ever after." When he mentioned death and 'unhappily ever after', the crystal floating above his palm began to glow, highlighting its eerie red shade.

"All they are concerned about is making the written truth the gospel truth, even if a author was manic depressive and got his funding cut so the majority of the series is verging on delusional ranting," Philip continued, "There's also another universe that the author decided that everything he'd created in a short period was canon to a universe, stuff everyone else. There are idiots like that, and the CP love em."

"What do you mean by the author deciding that everything he'd created was canon?" Hermione asked, curious as to how an author could make such a mental swerve.

"Series beyond your time, officially a guy named Negishi finished it after the author took a long walk away from it, leaving it unfinished. A few years back, the guy came back to it in a big way, but also called some stuff which isn't even decently linked to it canon, and threw out everything Negishi approved as canon." Philip continued, "With your series, however, they didn't have to do much of anything to screw it up, but you would have been safe until... Probably a decade from now, give or take a few years. Well, your series had something they hate."

"Aside from a Happy Ending?" Mike raised a brow, his lack of knowledge of Harry Potter showing one way or another, as he honestly asked. "Only saw the first and third movies, forgive the ignorance.," he offered for the silent magician to smack him upside the head and give him a book.

"An epilogue set several years after the final logical scene." Philip explained, "So what if it was a ton of crap in my opinion, not much different to the last three years unless someone is incredibly dense to not notice how much Harry likes Hermione here... Let's just say, Harry, you, Ginny, kids, Hermione, you, Ron, more kids. Let's see, What were the names again?"

Philip got out a pen, and tapped the end of it once, for a blue figure to appear in mid air. "PAI, Access HP Wiki, families of Harry and Ginny Potter, and Hermione and Ron Weasley," He declared, "Holographic images of each as you find them,"

Eventually images began floating in front of Philip, however each one was covered by a black bar with the word 'Spoilers' written over them. The names for each could be made out though, so the names 'Potter, James Sirius', 'Potter, Albus Severus', 'Potter, Lily Luna', 'Weasley, Rose', and 'Weasley, Hugo' were all that they could make out.

Mike looked up from the book forced upon him and shook his head "No ending where they show the future families of the characters ever goes well. Least that I've seen. The fans always disagree on who the authors/writers think their characters should be paired up with...never saw the fascination with a specific partner anyway but that is a unique human flaw isn't it?"

Luna observed with a smile "I do like the fact I'm the middle name of one of your daughters, Harry... but none of your children have the right middle names for how the naming convention goes in the wizarding world."

"Ginerva Molly, Harry James..." Hermione muttered, smirking as she realized what she meant.

"And to name a kid wholesale after the two men who made your life complete and utter hell..." Philip added with a shake of his head, "Oh boy, the CP love your canon... except the long term lifespan."

Bryan tapped Phil's shoulder and pointed to where a single car was approaching with a pizza place logo on its side. "Ah, I'll go pay for the pizza, you two continue orientating them to the world we live in... Hey, tell you what, tell them about my family... There's only my wife, possessed by a werewolf spirit, my first adoptive daughter, possessed by a holy avenger, and my second adoptive daughter, who loves guns, rabbits and ice cream... and my third who loves guns, pandas and sharp pointy things."

The silent partner looked at Philip like he was a complete idiot for a moment before pulling out the card that they shared for funds at the moment and tucking it into the spastic one's hand. Mike calling out, "Make sure they got the dipping sauce this time!"

"They're large Meateors, they come with it naturally." Philip sighed as he walked out to pay the delivery person.

"Anyhow... Philp is a chaos nexus, Mikey is a minor magician," Bry explained while he pulled out his tome casually and began reading, hearing a muttered 'minor my ass...' from 'Mikey'. "I'm on portal creation and supportive fire... together we are probably the most mismatched band of yahoos around..."

The blue haired and skinned girl suddenly declared 'YAHOO!' in an odd tone, before offering, "And I'm PAI Tokimatsuri, The Personal Artificial Intellect Program. And a bit crazy due to hanging round them."

"That and being connected to the Internet twenty-four/seven doesn't help..." Bryan muttered before the phrase '4-chan' appeared behind the blue-haired hologram.

"TvTropes and Wikipedia actually," she declared with an off-color blush.

"Tell me that the next time I find you 'checking benchmarks', I might believe you... hasn't happened yet, but it might..." Bry countered before turning towards the confused looking trio. "Don't worry, we don't understand each other either. We'll try to get you back to your dimensional nexus... but-"

"Pizza first, dimensional nexus second," Philip offered, before tossing all three of them a small white clamshell object each, "Don't let anyone see them, or we'll get into trouble. And, Bry, before you complain, they're just Magic-boy SPs, nothing more."

"Version one or two?" Bry asked, pulling out a slice of pizza from a box he claimed for his own. He watched as Mike took his entire share of the pizza, rolled it up, and shoved the entire thing into his mouth looking as if he dislocated his jaw like a snake to do so. But aside from puffy cheeks afterwards, he looked to be chewing a normal mouthful of food.

"The one that charges off ambient magic rather than requiring a rune stone." Philip offered, snagging a quarter of one of the pizzas, "They also have anti-theft charms, specifically tuned to being held by anyone with the magical signature of Ronald Weasley or Albus Dumbledore. They'll automatically return to you whenever they are holding them."

"Version threes then, careful, they'll take from you if you don't have enough ambient energy around," Bry explained while sliding the trio a pile of boxes. "Eat up, we'll have to leave soon."

"I suggested a 'deterrence beam' option for the security, but the others insisted the ash piles of your former professors and classmates would be harder to explain than the SPs themselves." Mike added after swallowing his absolutely enormous mouthful of food, the trio idly wondering if this Mike character could outeat the infamous Ron Weasley and his garbage disposal stomach...

"I think I can hear the sound of music playing..." Philip offered as he heard a engine running at way above the normal performance level of a car, followed by several police sirens, "I think my car is here... Let's just put the rest of the pizza into the magical circle, teleport them, and explain to the dozen police Pleinair and Blitz just attracted again why we're here after they're gone."

"Or you can just hold onto your pants as I send you through a portal," Bry commented as a strange purple glow formed underneath the entire lot. "I do hope my math was done properly... this time."

As the portal began to close, a bulky looking monster of a car fishtailed into the base, narrowly avoiding crashing into them, but managing to pass through the portal as well, leaving a group of police cars wondering where a massively over-fast car had suddenly gone...


	74. Chapter 74

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

I feel bad for Hogwarts... props to Rorschach's Blot for the line.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

As the flames sputtered low in the sconces upon the wall, Harry couldn't help but marvel at the feeling of being in an older body again. True he had been older than his eleven-year old body would suggest for several years, or cycles, or whatever it was that he had to measure time by in the temporal loop he was stuck in. However, this was the first time in what felt like ages he'd been over the age of eleven physically. True, being thirteen wasn't much of a difference, but to him it felt like a universe apart.

"YOU FUCKING SCREW-UP!" Philip's voice then yelled from a nearby corridor, "YOU AND ME ARE HERE, THE OTHERS..."

"Oh blow it out your ass, Phil, I'd like to see you compensate for a car driving in at the last moment," another familiar voice answered back sharply as the sound of crumbling stone sounded from the corridor. "At least you didn't get almost stuck head first in cement like PAI."

"Thankfully, PAI was a virtual construct," Philip countered, "She's now something like Nagi, and... Pai, Come back here and stop trying to figure out the human condition anymore..."

Philip then dashed past him chasing after a light blue haired girl, both in Ravenclaw uniform, both looking to be around 11. "But it's so wonderful to feel, to smell, to touch!" The bluenette gushed as she ran away from him.

"So... they're stuck with us now?" Harry asked curiously while watching Bryan storm off after the duo, grumbling angrily about blending in. True it was an octave higher than previously, but he still was the same. "How about some tea?"

Hermione sighed as she pointed to their classmates walking towards the halls for class, "Luna, go join your classmates, we're attending classes like normal students for once."

"But!" her two companions complained in unison, only for her to start dragging Harry away by the earlobe. "No buts, mister. We are going to class, and you are going to stay awake, no matter what."

"Fine... it looks like we have Defense today anyways..." Harry grumbled while trying in vain to free his earlobe. It really wasn't fitting for the great Boy-Who-Lived-To-Go-Insane to be dragged about like this, that and it really hurt!

Getting to the classroom, they had plenty of time before class to settle in and summon their class texts from the pocket dimensions that they stored them in. Finding them to be different than what they had expected, they looked towards the others and found that they too had the same books.

"Offense Against the Dark Arts: Year Three," Hermione read out loud as she turned the tome over in her hands. "I think we might enjoy this cycle."

"I'm Professor Harry Potter, and I'm here to teach you Offense Against the Dark Arts," Harry heard as he watched an adult version of himself enter the classroom. With a flick of his wand, he summoned words on the board as he announced, "Lesson one: Kill It With Fire."

It was about this time that reality screeched to a halt for everyone but Harry and Hermione. The two looked at each other before sighing as chunks of the air began parting and falling down, revealing a black void beyond it. "Not white this time... means something's really screwed up, I bet..."

"Now, Hermione, it could mean that things are getting settled down, since white hasn't exactly been normal for us," Harry explained calmly as more and more pieces of reality shattered and dropped to the ground.

"That would require a miracle..." Hermione growled as darkness claimed them.


	75. Chapter 75

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Early AM work means early posting.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"You're going to be facing Harry Potter in the Tri-Wizard Tournament," Harry heard as consciousness returned to him, and he had an old man in his face. An old man that he had come to hate many temporal resets ago.

With a groan, Harry slumped over in defeat. "Do I have to? I'd really rather not face off against myself, I'll just lose..."

"Nonsense Harry m'boy," a familiar voice scoffed as the old man pulled back with a frown on his face, allowing Harry to see the beaming face of Ludo Bagman who continued without missing a beat, "It's a great honor, and the drawing of your name is a magically binding contract."

"How does it bind the person?" Hermione inquired from where she had gotten close enough to overhear the conversation. "I'm just wanting to know more..."

"An excellent question, my girl!" Ludo answered while turning to her instead, still beaming happily. "See, it takes a sample of your magical core when you place the paper into the-"

"But what if I DIDN'T?" Harry interrupted pointedly as he caught on the loophole, "Can it be tested to see if it's my magical core that was sampled?"

"Not until the first event, in which case if you do not perform to your fullest abilities-" Ludo began, for Harry to sigh in exasperation.

"Oh great. So, the ONLY way you can guarantee that it's my name at all is for me to almost kill myself," Harry declared, "OK, Bye. I'm going to go see Madame Maxine about a school transfer."

"Well the alternative is you sitting out the first round, and if you die, you were lying to us," Ludo corrected as Dumbledore nearly leaped to pull Harry back.

"Harry, Beauxbatons is a female only academy..." Hermione pointed out with a heavy sigh.

"Hermione, you're reading the wrong prospectus for Beauxbatons. Read this version." Luna offered quietly, handing her a different folder.

"Why did they change it?" Hermione hissed.

"Someone with logic got to the plot." Luna hissed back.

"America?" Hermione asked in a whisper as she held up a pamphlet for AIMS Academy.

"Whoops," Luna offered as she plucked the pamphlet away, "And yes, America got to it... Time Warner in fact."

"Well he can't go to Beauxbatons, and Durmstrang would just make them see him like a dark lord in training..." Hermione reasoned as she watched the teachers milling about in a near panic.

"And we all know the fake Mad Eye put his name in the goblet, so I'll get the snacks, you stake us out three seats in the audience for the first task," Luna decided for them as she traipsed off to Merlin knows where.

"Harry, it's decided, you are going to sit in the stands with Luna and I, if you drop over dead, you were lying just now. If not, the other person will die a horrible, painful death as their magic is ripped from their body, and then the shock slowly saps their strength," Hermione ordered the Boy-Who-Lived-To-Be-Framed, as though telling him where she had their picnic lunch planned.

For some unknown reason, Dumbledore noticed his old friend run from the room in terror. Maybe Hermione had been slightly too graphic with her description of the punishment for breaching a magical contract, but it wouldn't be too dangerous for him... He'd not done it, had he?

"Harry, I believe that you didn't put your name in the goblet, and trust that you will support the champion of Hogwarts, Cedric Diggory," Dumbledore stated calmly, in a tone to carry throughout the entire Great Hall, silencing some of the gossiping that was going on.

"Is anyone going to mention how the battle scarred and hardened auror that is our Defense professor just fled the room trailing a path of yellow liquid?" Harry asked in an aside to the rest of the school, getting apathetic shrugs in response. "Seriously? No one's questioning that at all?"

"Why should we?" a Ravenclaw student asked pointedly.

"Ahh, logic... The magical world defies it and carries on," Harry sighed, "So, I hope you got us good seats."

"Front and center, right next to the judge's booth," Luna commented as she dropped in with a stack of candy boxes and drinks. "The Twins threw it in with my candy purchase."

"Did you check all the candy?" Hermione asked, "You know what they're like."

"All of it is normal candy, except the Canary Cremes which I left with Ronald," Luna answered absently as she piled the candy onto the table as a giant yellow bird fluttered past. "Sesame Street is that way. Now... how do we keep these until the first task?"

"Leaving puking pastilles jammed inside chocolate frogs in the boys' quarters of Gryffindor?" Harry suggested, "Make sure not to include the reversal half."

"But..." Hermione began, then it dawned on her, remembering their first first day at Hogwarts, and how much Ron was obsessed with Chocolate Frogs, to the point where he'd probably 'borrow' as many as he could to get even more cards, and that would mean...

"We'll use that if he gets the transfiguration reversed," Luna offered as the giant canary got stuck in the window it had tried to fly out of, "For now, I think we can last."

"Hermione, would you mind looking up some preservation charms?" Harry asked with a disgruntled sigh as he wondered just how little in the way of brains his former best friend had in his skull.

"Accio Tupperware!" Hermione called out in a clear voice, for a swarm of plastic containers to come flying through the air at them. Unfortunately several of them smacked against the heads of students that were in the way.

"Sorry!" Hermione called remorsefully as she winced with each hollow sounding thunk.

"We're just surprised that they actually use these things," One of them called back as she held up a bowl. "Can I keep this one? Mum promised to send me some pudding."

"We can't find any other material that can hold a preservation charm and is not damaged in any way by the process." Dumbledore admitted forlornly, "All students please let your heads of houses know about any more Tupperware you want rather than just summoning it."

"Can we get some concussion potions too?" one student in Hufflepuff asked while rubbing a rather large welt on the side of their face. "Some of them weren't empty..."

"Don't worry. 100 points to Ms Granger for having us properly phase in the Tupperware idea I actually had several years back... and minus 75 points for hitting 15 students with them," McGonagall declared, with a slight smirk of her own. "Much better than those old earthenware jugs that those Purebloods insist on using... Now to just get Snape to start using Pyrex for his potions equipment..."

"NEVER! YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY PRECIOUS METAL CAULDRONS FROM ME!" Snape declared hotly. McGonagall summoned a wadded sock and flew it into his mouth.

"Oh, put a sock in it, Snape." McGonagall sneered.

"Still fairly certain the timelines are messed up, Hermione..." Harry mused softly as he looked around the school, who didn't seem to notice the teacher's outburst.

"It's attempting to repair itself, but there's a lot of chaotic energy fluctuating through the timeline, causing some odd behaviour, and there's been a perception filter on the school for... at least a century," Luna offered with a blissful smile of her own.

"Let's just leave it that, shall we?" Harry asked while settling down at the table to enjoy some dinner, it felt like he hadn't eaten in years.


	76. Chapter 76

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

The results are in ladies and gentlemen... No Hear will continue to post! - What? You thought I was going political on you? HAH! I believe political opinions are private.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Good afternoon, witches and wizards, and welcome to the first event of this year's Triwizard Tournament!" Harry announced into the magically enhanced speaking trumpet usually reserved for Quidditch matches. "I'm Harry Potter, the Boy-Who-Won't-Die today, here with me is Hermione Granger, the Girl-Who-Aces-Tests, and Luna Lovegood, the-"

"Busty-Blonde-Screwing-Them-Both!" Luna shouted over Harry happily, getting several cat-calls from the audience.

Hermione sighed heavily before leaning into her own megaphone, "Luna, that's not what we agreed upon..."

"But I like it better!" Luna whined into the third megaphone, getting a giggle from the audience. "Anyway, I'll be providing color commentary for this wonderful event, the Triwizard-Tournament-That-Now-Actually-Has-Only-Three-Magicals-Competing."

"See, not so easy hyphenating things, is it?" Harry chided playfully.

"Luna, we didn't need to give it that long a title." Hermione growled.

"What about dead-man Potter?" a member of the Slytherin section shouted out from the anonymity of the student body.

"Well, we didn't need to give Harry a really long title either, but he's still got one." Luna offered, "And get that student a nice bucket of water, he needs to cool down."

"No time for that blood bath, fans! It would seem that the first contestant is at the starting line, and what a nice contestant she is. Hermione, you've had a chance to talk with Lady Delacour, what can you tell us about her?" Harry asked as Fleur entered the rocky area to the cheers of the assembled students.

"She's a slut who wants to get into your pants, her sister is actually not much younger than you, and also wants to get in your pants..." Hermione grumbled, "Excuse me, you veela sluts! HE'S MINE!"

"Never made that official before now, didn't even know myself, Hermione," Harry commented casually as he turned to Luna. "Tell me, Luna, what color should my tuxedo be for the wedding?"

"Hmm... Well, I'd say a nice green, would go well with the red dress Hermione would be wearing and the blue one I'd be wearing..." Luna offered blissfully as she beamed at her two friends, "You need a good Hufflepuff to finish off the set though."

"I think I know of one in particular that would be good... she has expressed interest previously," Harry mused as he leaned over towards Hermione. "Why is Fleur doing that thing with her fingers and tongue?"

"I don't have a fucking clue. Tell me when that French tart has got roasted alive," Hermione groused angrily as she glared at the part-veela, who simply marched into the area.

"OK, I guess me and Harry will commentate on this part of the event." Luna offered, "So, Let's see what dragon she's got to deal with... As far as Hermione is concerned, she'd like it if she got the Horntail, and it was peckish."

"No such luck for Hermione, it would seem that it's a Common Welsh Green, a magnificent dragon, who according to our groundskeeper Hagrid likes mint jelly with its pig carcasses..." Luna explained happily as the dragon reared back.

"Admittedly, Hagrid also thinks that every single dragon in this event is harmless, so we'll ignore most of his advice," Harry offered lightly as he looked at the battle about to commence, "Good advice with a dragon... Stay away from the smoking end, don't get hit by the pointy end, and flying directly into the mouth is guaranteed to be deadly."

"And now it's nap time for the dragon!" Luna cheered as Fleur walked into the arena confidently, only to be signed slightly as the dragon let out a terrific snore that rattled the stands and ignited her skirt. "Well, As Harry just said, STAY AWAY FROM THE SMOKING END!"

"And now she's walking towards the stands..." Harry pointed out as the French witch approached, eyes locked upon Hermione.

"You English women... You think you're so..." Fleur began, before Hermione pointed her wand at her and smirked a challenge at the French witch. "Ah, but she is shy... ma petite, zis victory iz for joo."

"She did notice the dragon woke up?" Luna asked as said dragon turned to face where Fleur was standing, and incidentally the audience and judges stand. Fleur winked playfully at Hermione before disappearing behind a rock, getting a puzzled look from the dragon.

"I think Ms. Delacour will lose a lot of points for how much she's delayed her attack... and the fact the dragon just noticed the chicken that one of the judges is eating." Luna observed, Kararoff looking guilty as he attempted to hide the piece of offending meat.

"How much do you trust the shields that the dragon handlers put up on the stands?" Harry asked Hermione and Luna as he thumbed a lever he had installed shortly after they took their seats. "Speaking of the handlers, here comes Charlie Weasley to... draw off the dragon with a ball of yarn the size of Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe together..."

"Yaaaaaaarrrrn..." Hermione drooled, "Sorry, got distracted."

"Thought we took care of that a while back," Harry commented casually before looking over into the pen. "Some men dressed as the second most horrible thing imaginable are resetting the scene... tell me Hermione, Luna, is there some magical reason for them to wear those clown outfits and makeup?"

"It's to distract us from the fact the judges gave Fleur 0, 0, 0 and 0.5?" Luna offered as Hermione hid her wand. The judges looked at their scoreboards and reverted them to proper scores of 5, 4, 6, and 5.5.

"Just can't stand that she was flirting with you, can you?" Harry asked curiously as he popped a chocolate piece into his mouth.

"I don't mind too much if she was flirting with me," Hermione muttered with a heavy blush on her cheeks as she looked over to where Gabrielle was giving her saucy winks. "I just think the sisters need to decide who is going for us first..."

"OK, you heard it here first... Hermione Granger is bi for veelas," Luna shouted, amplified by her megaphone. "I wonder if I can borrow some of their pheromones for our wedding night..."

"SHE'S ALSO BI FOR METAMORPHS!" someone yelled from the audience, drawing attention to where the aurors were posted, in particular where Mad-Eye Moody was standing with a suspicious look to his face, well suspicious under the sheer amount of terror.

"We will now take a five minute intermission, those wishing to apply for Hermione's approval into our union, please form a neat and orderly line. Those that say she's already given you approval... keep dreaming," Harry called out with a chuckle to his voice, blinking in surprise as a long line of students, male and females both, formed off to the side. "Uhh... bloody hell, Hermione, do you have a form for them?"

"Will the girls please get into a line on the right there?" Hermione asked politely. As the two lines parted, some guys having to drag the Creevy brothers in dresses away, Hermione pulled out a large stack of scrolls. "Take one, and fill them out, ladies. Boys, we'll get back to you later."

"Just in time for Cedric Diggory to come out and face..." Harry started as he looked at the dragon that had landed while the porno plot builder had been going on. "Luna, is that the Swedish Short-Snout?"

"No, it's the short-snouted swedish dragon," Luna declared sarcastically, "Don't you know your dragons? Oh wait, you only fight basilisks."

"Not by choice," Harry grumbled as he sighed heavily. "Hermione? What do you think Cedric's strategy will be?"

"Roasted, Grilled or Fried." Hermione offered, "Oh, sorry, Cedric's strategy for the dragon, not the dragon's strategy for Cedric... Hmm... Something foolhardy and dangerous."

"Did he just turn a stone into a dog?" Harry asked as he watched a yellow dog bounding around the arena playfully.

"Hot dogs! Get your Hot Dogs here!" Luna declared, taking out some hot dog buns and sausages, tossing them to the people who were close enough for her to do so.

"OK, let's see which thing gets roasted first." Hermione wondered, "The dog, the prat or something else."

"I think the flirting veela got her a bit antsy." Luna muttered to Harry, "She's pitching for the dragon seriously."

"No, she's just getting rid of her anger with a nice safe outlet... And Sirius is my godfather," Harry quipped poorly, watching the dragon's tail narrowly miss Cedric's head. "Careful there, mate, don't want to lose that."

"The dragon seems to be having fun with the dog and-" Luna started only to duck with the rest of the audience as a gout of flame shot out of the wrong end of the dragon. "I did not know they could do that... must be some bad haggis..."

"Damn, that must have been really spicy haggis." Hermione muttered, "What was I doing for the past 20 minutes?"

"Setting up a harem for me apparently, and telling the entire school at large that I all but have your name branded on my backside," Harry quipped as he resumed his seat. "Ooo those burns look painful... hey, maybe Cedric can use my bed in the infirmary... there's some novels hidden under the top mattress, mate."

"Damn, have got to stay away from the really odd candies." Hermione muttered, "Fred and George said they were safe... They were based on Veritaserum..."

"And you believed the Twins? I should check into the current temperature of hell..." Harry mused as he looked back at the judges' booth. "Oooo looks like hard crowd in the booth tonight... 5, 6, 1, and 2.3..."

"About a 30 degrees in centigrade, they're thinking it's gone down that much already since you've not got yourself killed by the DADA teacher this year yet." Luna offered as said professor sweated buckets. "Now onto the final round... The Chinese Fireball! See I told you they wouldn't bring out the Hungarian Horntail without you competing!"

"Well, that's so unfortunate," Harry declared, "Maybe they can feed the carcass of the sorry sap who put my name in the goblet to it."

"Harry! He and/or she is not a sorry sap," Hermione chided as the dragon began destroying the nesting area. "They're just going to be dead in a moment. That's going to cost Mr. Krum..."

"For those activists in our listening audience, those eggs are transfigured rocks, not real eggs. Professor McGonagall performed the transfiguration as each egg would really be worth thousands of galleons," Harry commented as several students got coated in yolk. "Thank you for saving us millions of galleons, Professor."

"Of course, Mr. Potter, not all the Wizarding World is completely devoid of wisdom," the professor answered with a warm smile at the three students she was actually letting get away with whatever they wanted. This Prozac that the students had given her did wonders for her stress levels, in fact she had noticed that after a few of these simply magical pills she didn't have a single bit of stress in her body.

"Well it's time to see what Krum's score is- Ouch... that's almost insulting. All reports are zeroes due to having destroyed most of the nests, sorry Victor, maybe next event..." Harry chimed in while looking at himself. "Well look at that, we have officially ended the first event and I'm not dead... that means GRYFFINDOR TOWER OWES ME A GALLEON EACH! Err... that means we have to find the poor soul who-"

Harry's deflection was cut short as Moody fell over dead and tumbled down the stairs. "Wow, I guess we know who framed Harry Potter..." Hermione chirped happily as she watched the body landed with a thud at the base of the stands. "I have to say, that was a terrible death."

"You can say that again, Hermione, why both times I faced Tom Riddle, they were far more spectacular, guess the students never learned from their master..." Harry bemoaned while scanning the crowd.

"There is chaos in the arena, sports fans!" Luna shouted, despite not a single student having moved. "Dumbledore looks confused, Madame Maxime is horrified, and the Durmstrang headmaster is trying valiantly to remain stoic."

Suddenly Hermione leaped to her feet, drawing the megaphone with her as she leaned in to look closer. "DUMBLEDORE IS CLUTCHING HIS CHEST, GASPING FOR AIR, AND HE'S DOWN! Witches and Wizards, it's a heart attack!" Hermione crowed while Harry knelt and began praying.

"Please," Harry declared, his eyes going towards the heavens, "I might not have him hanging over me being an annoying git any more... no more machinations or screwy plans..."

"It looks like Madame Pomfrey is having trouble getting to him..." Luna chimed in, getting into the act with Hermione.

"YES! THERE IS A GOD!" Harry cried out to the heavens as his arms stretched upwards. "PRAISE YOU, WHATEVER DEITY YOU ARE!"

"Ooo that block to the back is probably a foul, but it seems Ron Weasley has opened a path for our dear matron of the healing arts..." Luna called out to the general jeers of the audience.

"Curse you, Weasley! A real friend would have blocked the path!" Harry shouted as he shook his fist ruefully at his former friend.

"Harry, you were dreaming," Hermione interrupted his rant, waking him to the horror that was breakfast the day after the First Task. He hadn't died, and Moody had, revealing himself to be a fake while the real one was stuck in a chest next to some suspiciously stained socks. The rest wasn't what had really happened, no matter how much he had prayed or hoped for it to be.

"Sorry, Hermione..." Harry groaned as he looked around. "So what's on the agenda?"

"The school's disciplinary committee has come up with a new punishment method, Luna?" Hermione introduced with a slight flourish as the blonde wheeled out a giant pegged wheel in front of the entire school.

"Thank you Hermione, now... Wheel of Misfortune: Turn, turn, turn, show us the new pain these students are to learn," Luna chanted as she spun the wheel, drawing the attention of Harry to the fact that she was clad in an outfit he hadn't seen since-

No, she couldn't be back, could she?

The soft clicks of stiletto heels on the marble floor caused Harry's eyes to dilate as he turned to see someone he hadn't thought to ever see again. Director Sadeest had returned to Hogwarts, and only three students seemed to understand just what this meant.

"We'll work on those harem applications after lunch," Hermione stated calmly as she buttered a roll casually. "I'm sure you want a chance for input on the questions."

"How..." Harry started before Luna draped herself across the pair's laps.

"Did you tell him he talks in his sleep, yet?" Luna asked before Hermione fed her the roll in dainty bites.


	77. Chapter 77

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Error 404: Author Notes Not Found.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Slytherin dormitories have been moved from the dungeons to a new building built by the Black Lake," Harry repeated as he read off a memo that had been posted in their common room, "The dungeons have been repurposed for Director Sadeest's Student Reeducation Center."

"She's been around for over a month this time," Hermione commented as she revised Harry's report for Transfiguration. "I believe that we can assume this timeline is very broken."

"We knew that in the first week," Luna answered while playing with a Catgirl Hermione and Harry the Magi action figure she got from some random dimension.

"So what shall our method of breaking this timeline be?" Harry mused while watching the strange activities of Luna, who seemed to be happy that other students were ignoring the fact that her action figures were rather extreme versions of her friends, and she seemed to acting out porn movies. Bad porn movies.

He had to admit Luna's estimations of his size were flattering to say the least, nigh impossible might be more accurate. Honestly, it was like she was replacing him with a whale half the time. And some of the lines he almost swore were so bad they had to have been written for porn companies.

"How about we see where this one leads before we break it?" Hermione chimed in as she adjusted the scroll in front of her to hide the blush building on her cheeks as she pretended to ignore Luna's antics. Really, it was like she was the nymphomaniac little sister she never wanted.

Before Harry could respond, Professor McGonagall strode through the entrance, letting it slide shut behind her as she looked around the Gryffindor Common Room. "May I have your attention, students? Due to the recent... interest in Director's Sadeest's corrective measures, we are introducing a new field of study here at Hogwarts. Those interested in learning more about this class, please see me after lunch tomorrow."

"See, Harry? Nothing to worry about, the normal logic of the Wizarding World is asserting itself to correct the process for us-" Hermione began, before pulling a figure away from Luna before the blonde could put it in her mouth. "No, Luna, you cannot give Harry the Magi a tongue bath. No giving Harry Potter one either, and no you may not do so for any Hermione, living or inanimate."

"Oh pooh!" Luna grumped as her fun was ruined. How was she going to play the lusty fifty foot woman if she couldn't lick her action figures. Well there was always using them as-

"No to whatever you're thinking about now too," Hermione finished as she handed the scroll back over to Harry. "Good work, though you might want to reword that last paragraph, it's a bit obvious you're attempting to pad it out."

"Thanks, Hermione," Harry offered with a smile as he tucked the scroll away. He'd look at it later, since Hermione had been so nice as to review his work already, it was the least he could do. "Shall we play a game or something until dinner?"

"I think we may wa-" Hermione started only to cut off as Dean Thomas burst into the room with a horrified look on his face. A moment later he was up the stairs to the boys' dorms, and a lot of rustling could be heard from up them.

Before anyone could react to what had just happened, the three chasers for the Gryffindor Quidditch team entered and promptly began attempting to seal the entryway with as many spells as they could weave. "I told you letting them watch that was a bad idea!"

"How was I supposed to know?"

"It's the Twins! You don't mix them with something like that and expect nothing!"

"What's going on?" Hermione finally demanded, wondering why three students were trying to lock everyone into the Gryffindor Common Rooms, or maybe locking everyone else out would have been more accurate.

The trio of chasers turned on their heels and stated in a tone filled with dread and horror, as well as remarkable unison, as the announced. "The Weasley Twins have just seen Monty Python!"

"Well... we'll need more locks then," Harry commented casually as muggle-born students around the commons began barricading the door, as well as remove anything remotely fish-shaped from the area.


	78. Chapter 78

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Saw Wreck-it Ralph recently... T-T No... these are just manly tears at the beauty of it all.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"Here's a story, about a boy named Potter, who really really wanted to be called Harry. He survived against an evil dark lord, and now He's the Boy Who Lived!" Luna sang out, using a bastardized version of the Brady Bunch song.

"Silencio." Harry grumbled, "So, What's today's insanity?"

"Well, Fred is currently going round in a white haired wig and lab coat looking for a student named Martin after he managed to persuade his father to enchant a DeLorean, and managed to sneak it to school." Hermione muttered, "And George is currently trying to get his brother to just use him instead, while attempting to convert a liberated time turner to work with said car."

"I think the problem there is... who showed them that series?" Harry asked with a heavy sigh as he pushed a pair of coconut halves off to the side. "British comedies are one thing, but to break out the stuff from the states... that's like casting incendio on oil."

"At least we know to expect the Spanish Inquisition... And to avoid any randy virgins," Hermione agreed while sipping some tea, before looking over as a new memo appeared on the board. Plucking it off, she read it carefully twice before handing it over with a confused look on her face. "Does this say..."

"Attention students: As of tonight, cruel and unusual punishments shall now be the usual punishment method. Sincerely, Director Sadeest," Harry echoed in a haunted voice as he wondered about taking a nice trip to somewhere safe, like a lion's den wearing a skirt steak kilt. "Hermione, you don't think this has anything to do with that new class, do you?"

The most trusted of his friends, and the possible alpha wife of his future harem, pursed her lips in thought as she drummed her fingers against the side of her teacup. As she lowered that down, she sighed heavily with a worried look on her face. "I fear so, Harry... and I can only think of one reason for it..."

"The story got bumped up to a M-rating?" Luna offered, having silently cast a Finite on herself.

"I hope it had one for a long time before now, Luna," Hermione muttered as she looked at the secure little bunker in which they were hunkered down in. "Do you think we should get some paintings in here, Harry?"

"Nah. Last time we got paintings, someone stepped out of one of them."

"Told you the name M. Poppins was suspect," Hermione grumbled as she pulled up the direct feed from the Great Hall, where the evening meal was starting. Their food would be delivered in a little while, however they may not have much of an appetite left after watching what was unfolding in the land of the 'sane'.

"_We wish to ask any student who has seen Mr. Potter, Ms. Granger or Ms. Lovegood to please tell them to attend classes and other school functions. Some of the students are accusing Ms Sadeest or Mr Filch of hiding them in a dungeon," _Dumbledore announced formally as he adjusted his half-moon spectacles, "_In other news, we are proud to announce that we have opened a new class to the student population._"

As the expected murmurs remained missing, a silent exchange of galleons from a safe room several floors away took place, instead Dumbledore continued on without noticing the odd silence in the hall. The fact that a tall, domineering woman in a skin-tight latex body suit was glaring out at them under her red hair may have been a good indicator that something was wrong, however the better one was that she had a bullwhip in one hand, and two girls in matching black latex and hoods on the ends of leashes, marked only by yellow and green collars would have been a better one. The fact that her collar bore a curious six on it drew some spectators attention away from the... impressive assets... being displayed.

"We wish to welcome the teacher for our new elective class, Bondage Studies, Professor Sixx!" Dumbledore proclaimed with a flourish to the woman in question, who simply stepped forward with a couple clicks of her heels.

"My name is Mistress Sixx," the woman announced as she indicated the two girls at the end of the leashes. "This is Ginger and Laura, they are my teacher's aides, and will likely serve as demonstration models... when other options are unavailable. My class will be open to all students Third Year and above. Failing my class is... not a favorable option."

Back in the fallout shelter, Hermione adjusted herself on the snake statue that served as their bench with a frown. "So... not going to take this one?" Harry asked curiously as he noticed her obvious discomfort.

"So, want to see how far the twins have got with the Delorean?" Hermione asked worriedly, "Maybe help it along?"

"I thought you'd never ask," Harry agreed, while holding out a hand so they could leave the former Chamber of Secrets, which had been repurposed to serve as a fallout shelter from the insanity, and a room away was given over to the twins for the experiments.


	79. Chapter 79

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Anyone else remember the story referenced below? If you do, let me know in a review and I might have something for you to read. Updated early because of am work shift.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Harry looked around the strange village that their DeLorean had appeared in. The first thing to point out that something was wrong was that nothing they could read was in English. In fact Hermione had muttered something about it looking to be either Chinese or Japanese, and that she couldn't be sure which. "Any idea where we are?" Harry asked after a minute, watching a mass of people assembling a few blocks away. Honestly, he was surprised that no one was coming to check out the car that looked decades out of place in this rather feudal looking area.

Luna looked around for a moment from her spot on Hermione's lap before sighing and kicking a panel on the car, which caused a static ripple to surge through the area. The writing flickered through German, then French, some sort of sharp and pointy pictogram image set, a language of strange circle shapes, and finally English. "Sorry about that, the translator is a bit wonky in this version."

"So apparently we're in a city called Konoha," Harry explained while reading a newspaper, before turning slightly green. "And they have very grisly murders..."

"Konoha?" Hermione asked with a curious tone to her voice. "You don't think... no we couldn't have travelled dimensions..."

"Well..." Luna muttered, "We did get a couple of mad scientists who didn't even know how the science worked to build a functional time machine out of a DeLorean... Shame we didn't end up in Hill Valley, or we could have got tips on what they did wrong."

"What's going on with the flashing lights over there?" Harry asked as he rolled down the window to hear something that would forever haunt his nightmares.

"Captain Porno, he's a hero! Gonna take morals down to zero!" the song rang out, before Harry closed the windows again.

"Harry! We travelled into another story!" Hermione gasped out as she began typing into the computer console. "This is Silent Magi's Icha Icha: Animal Magnetism... we're nearly four years in his story history."

"Oh, well that's not so bad... can we do Phillip's next?" Luna asked blissfully as she watched Hermione typing away. "Or maybe that Collar story..."

"We'll see... Okay, Harry drive on... before they start molesting the blond boy," Hermione commanded as she pointed to the far end of the side road. Harry didn't hesitate to stamp down on the gas pedal, sending them down the road with a squeal of the tires. "Which version did you get them to make?"

"Let's just say... where we're going," Harry stated with a manic grin as they barrelled towards the city wall on a suicide course, with a pause for dramatic effect as he reached over towards a switch on the dash. "We don't need roads."

The ride appeared to smooth out, the ground seeming to have become surprisingly even, until Hermione looked out of the window, and noticed the wheels weren't touching the ground at all. "Ooh goody, they got it working after all!" Luna declared as she looked as well, ignoring Hermione's paling face, "They said that it was difficult hiding a hover charm in a wheel, but they even managed to get the axle to detach properly!"

As they were about to crash into the wall, the time turner sealed into the box behind the driver's compartment began to spin wildly, the car crackling with eldritch energy, before the wall was replaced by the sky above England, the DeLorean narrowly managing to avoid crashing too badly into a battered blue car.

"That's great, Luna," Harry answered before swerving the car away. "What the bloody hell? Was that Ron in his Father's car? Why aren't I in there?"

Luna peered out of the window. "Umm..." She said, just before there was a bang from below them, and smoke began coming from where Ron had been, "If anyone asks, We didn't collide with Arthur Weasley's car and cause it to lose altitude rather severely..."

"Then we didn't just cause it to hit the Hogwarts Express?" Harry asked hopefully as he watched the blue car almost derail the famous train. "Looks like classes might start a little late this year..."

"I hope that Arthur doesn't mind the fact his youngest son is undoubtedly dead..." Hermione observed, scowling as Luna summoned butterbeers and snacks for everyone.

"Ding dong, the git is dead, the git is dead, Ding dong, the..." Luna sang, getting a even worse glare from Hermione.

"No, he just crawled out," Harry observed as a redhead dragged his top half out of the wreckage, "Wait... where's the rest of him? Ummm... that's kinda disturbing..."

"But fatal?" Luna hoped.

"Not in the Wizarding World," Hermione pointed out, just as a tree fell on the redhead. "Yes, that would be."

"OK, they're shoving the wreckage off the track... Train's back going." Harry observed, shedding a brief tear. The car had been so wonderful and saved his life, it would be missed, but it had been sacrificed for the good of all humanity.


	80. Chapter 80

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Only one update this week, sorry work's been busy.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

"...And that's how Hogwarts was made!" Luna explained while she sat with her friends at breakfast one morning, eating eggs and toast. It had really been a quiet morning in Hogwarts, Harry had went into the Chamber of Secrets the night prior and turned the basilisk into a rather profitable source of rare materials for them to ship off to wizard clothiers the world over. All it would take is a cow ever few months or so, and tossing a certain diary into the first wood chipper he could summon last night.

There was a surprisingly large amount of wood chippers that he managed to summon in the middle of the night, as the several missing sections of wall could attest. However, that meant the student body had to make up for the alarming lack of insanity.

Hermione looked up from the steaming bowl she was eating spoonfuls out of, enjoying the simple meal of one of her favorite comfort foods. Something about the story just didn't sit well with her. "Luna, what did they do with the spiked codpiece?" she asked, having gotten used to the lunacy that came with her favorite female friend.

"Oh silly Hermione, that was for Rowena to woo Helga with after the first school year," Luna answered, causing Harry to snort out his orange juice violently. Apparently Hermione and Harry weren't the only ones listening to her version of the school's founding. "Didn't I mention that?"

"No, you failed to, Luna," Hermione answered calmly, as though half the school hadn't just violently revisited the liquids they were drinking at the time.

"Oh... okay..." Luna answered while finishing up her breakfast, "Really Hermione, Oatmeal? Are you Crazy?"

"No, I'm just feeling a little homesick and nostalgic," the bookworm answered with a distant smile gracing her lips. "I used to eat oatmeal when I first came to Hogwarts... before Harry and Ron..."

Harry lowed his cup of juice plus extras down, leaving it a fair distance away from himself and the other two. It seemed that everyone else was gracing them with a respectful distance to allow them to mourn the tragic passing of their friend, even if they weren't showing the usual signs of grief many assumed it was only a matter of time before one of them snapped. The current favorite in the pool was that Harry would snap first, taking half the school with him in a beautiful and fiery explosion. There would probably also be an opening to hell in there somewhere.

"Are you mi-" Harry started, just before his juice was picked up and a familiar redhead sat down while gulping the flem enriched blood of tropical fruits. This caused several things to happen to our favorite trio.

The first was that Luna pinched her arm, hoping she wasn't seeing this in reality as opposed to a dream. However, as that proved to be a fallacy she pushed herself away from the table and walked away silently. Her two companions looked at the spectre of their nightmares with horror before he spoke, "Hey mates, you going to finish that?" the walking insult to natural order asked before snatching up all the food in a local area without even waiting for a response. It was almost as though he didn't notice that the food was falling out of where his lower half should have been, to say nothing about the branch with a bird's nest sticking out of his back.

That's when the giggling started.


	81. Chapter 81

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this little bit of insanity.

Special Christmas update planned, but those that leave a review with the words "Platinum Princess" in a review will get a special gift from me.

bit . ly / pLdXdB is the primary list that I'm picking from, feel free to e-mail with suggestions for more.

* * *

Harry strode purposefully towards the greenhouses, a worried and frazzled looking Hermione trailing him by mere steps as she asked, "Harry, are you sure this is the best course of action? We can always try something else first..."

"I'm sorry, Hermione, but this is the best we have right now," Harry answered having mostly recovered from his night in the giggle room. "You saw what he was... we must end it."

"But really, Harry, what can plan-" Hermione started to counter when she heard a low, throaty moaning noise coming from the entrance to their destinations. "No... I know what that sound means, and we are NOT going in there."

"I'm sure it's nothing," Harry offered with a nervous expression on his face. "My contact promised to meet us there, and they might need help..."

The protest sounded dead even to his ears however, especially as the next lines were shouted at the top of their lungs killed any hope that it was anything else. "OH YESS! OH YESSS! DO IT LIKE THAT, TENTACULA! OHHHH YESSSSSS!"

Harry looked at his partner who was giving him an 'I-told-you-so' look that was broken by the tick in the corner of her eye indicating that she was ready to break down into the hideous, mind-numbing, soul crushing giggles once again. "Don't need to say it, we'll just talk to them later to arrange the plant army to defend us against the oncoming zombie apocalypse."

"This is Luna's idea, isn't it?" Hermione asked as she dragged the boy away by the arm.

"Yeah, but she didn't mention that Neville was that into plants... I could have sworn that Professor Sprout was going to be there too..." Harry commented as though wanting to avert the oncoming insanity that was about to wash over the pair.

The feminine tone whispering huskily, "And now where are you two dears going?" behind them crushed those hopes under the cruel dagger-like spikes of the portly Hufflepuff head. The whip in her hands was a nice touch, especially as it was tipped by what looked like a shovel spade. This was lost on the pair as they didn't bother looking back and instead took off running towards the castle at a full sprint. They'd seen enough of their lives to know just how horrid sticking around would be.

As they gained the relative sanctuary of the Gryffindor common rooms, they overheard a rather animated discussion. "Seriously, this school is just going downhill, mate," Fred complained as he and his twin boarded up the windows. "First there's the crash on the way here, then the whole Ron turning into a member of the walking dead..."

"And what is that stench outside the second floor girls' bathroom?" George asked pointedly as he nodded towards a trio of younger students who were hugging buckets and emptying their stomachs. "There was some hissing, and then that stench started filling the air."

"Told you we needed to reinforce the banishment wards around the cesspit your new pet was using as a private toilet before we left," Hermione snapped as they took off towards the giggle rooms once more.

Harry rolled his eyes with a groan as they passed the seventh year's dorms. "I told you, Hermione, I don't know the spells and you would have been petrified."

"Right..." the bookworm commented as she waved her wand, summoning several planks of wood up the stairs directly behind them, borrowing from the stack that the twins had been using to board up the windows. "Still have our emergency supplies?"

"We should be able to outlast the zombies," Harry assured her while holding open the door to the male's insanity room for her and the planks of wood. "But knowing our lives, we'll likely have some help in the next few days."


	82. Chapter 82

Thank you to all my loyal readers, I'm very glad that people are enjoying this story as it spiraled out of control...

Please see the end for Author Notes.

* * *

Somehow the staff of Hogwarts had managed to convince the student body to exit the safety of their dorms to come down for food. For Gryffindor it might have to do with the constant, haunting giggles drifting down from the highest reaches of the tower, but that was only an assumption based on the huge bags under the students' eyes and the strange twitch some of them took whenever anyone laughed.

****

Thankfully, the two students who had been the source of the giggling were placidly silent as they ate in their special seats next to the dreamy looking blonde with a butterbeer cork necklace. Apparently the muggle potion that they had been given was very effective, despite their discussion about the end of the world. They just seemed to be blissfully happy and relaxed.

****

The attention given to them was stripped away with a vengeance as Dumbledore stood up and held open his arms with a flourish. "Attention students! Due to... extenuating circumstances, we have a new professor to instruct you through the mysteries of Defense Against Dark Arts...

****

"In 30 minutes, get the Delorean ready to go." Harry hissed at Luna, "I have a feeling we'll need to leave, fast."

****

"Please welcome your new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor, Ashley J. Williams!" Dumbledore cried out as a dirty blond man stood up and waved his good hand over his head bearing an odd metallic looking wand.

****

"Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up! You see this? Thiss... is my boomstick!" Ashley shouted to the students sitting and watching in rapt attention, minus a few muggleborns who were making plans to flee past the zombies and the Forbidden Forest. "The twelve-guage double barrelled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about seventy galleons. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel, and a hair trigger. You got that?"

****

"I'll have it ready as soon as we get out of here." Luna hissed back as the man began to stroke the gun lovingly with what appeared to be a chainsaw mounted to his other hand.

****

"Now then, is there any questions?" Dumbledore asked, once again stealing the spotlight from far more interesting characters.

****

"Where's the best exit?" One of the students asked, hopefully.

****

"The Weasley Twins know them," Dumbledore answered with a blissful smile on his face as he looked out over the school as a whole.

****

"They left ten minutes ago," The same student called out again.

****

"Then follow the ones that know where they go," McGonagall cut in with a sigh as she pointed to a little stand that had been set up with a map plastered to the surface of the desk.

****

"Five minutes ago," The students called out.

****

"Just use the bloody map!" Snape snapped as he grew sick of the stupid arguments.

****

A chunk of the roof then dropped onto said map, destroying it as several zombies broke in through a water-damaged roof section.

****

"Erm, Professor? Is there supposed to be a mob of rotting, shambling corpses in the corner moaning for our brains?" Hermione asked as she and Harry made their exit through the main doors, having their table set up there as part of the quick exit strategy should the giggles start up again.

****

"Now, here is how you use a boomstick..." the new DADA teacher announced, "Another option is something called a blasting hex. Aim between the eyes."

****

Mercifully for the final tenuous thread of their sanity, the pair had left before the splattering of goo that was formerly brains started covering the walls and students in the Great Hall. Those that hadn't run for the safest place, calling for school elves to get their trunks.

****

After a short trip to the Chamber of Secrets, the pair found a frowning Luna waiting for them. "It won't start..."

****

"Just jab wand into starter assembly," Hermione read off a scrawled note, "Don't try to run it much past the horde, F. and G."

****

"Tried that, didn't work," Luna explained as she pointed to where her wand was still in the assembly.

****

Dobby then appeared, carrying two large metal cans. "Where Wheezys? They say bring gas to car, because car not got any," he declared as pointing to the barrels.

****

"It's a fuel injection system, isn't it?" Hermione asked with a heavy sigh. "It won't run if we don't fix the entire system... Umm... any chance of Rufus or the TARDIS saving us?"

****

Dobby smirked, and several house elves appeared, in greasy outfits. "Let's get to it." The lead one said, "Been a while since someone brought a car in. Wondered why the kid wanted gas for an old classic like this. We'll have it done before the horde outside find ya, guaranteed."

****

The three students didn't want to know, didn't need to know, but the car was quickly hovering, with the lead mechanic house elf saying, "Don't go hitting any cars again with it."

****

"He hit us, setting off the current apocalypse," Harry explained for the elves to nod.

****

"Well, good news is that muggles are a lot better at dealing with them than magicals, but the magical population centres will be sealed by sundown." The mechanic explained, "Make yourself scarce, you're probably going to be some of the last living magicals in the United Kingdom by then."

****

"Harry... Rufus hasn't come, The Doctor hasn't come, and this place is about to be quarantined." Hermione hissed, "Notice anything wrong?"

****

"The time circuits are fried? We aren't resetting... oh and Luna's freaking out a bit..." Harry ticked off as he wondered how they were going to get the car out of Hogwarts in the first place.

****

"Blast the wall down, it doesn't matter, none of it matters..." Luna declared, giggling softly as she rocked back and forth. "Nothing matters, it's the end, game over man... GAME OVER!"

****

"I think we're alone in this one, Hermione," Harry mused as he strapped Luna into the back seat firmly and took the passenger seat. "You're the only one of us that hasn't crashed, either cars or mentally, so you're driving... I call shotgun."

****

"No, I think the last DADA teacher did already." Luna giggled, "Blam, Blam, Blam..."

****

"Right... So, with the fuel and the repairs, think we can get to France or America easiest?" Harry offered lamely as a pair of sunglasses, one snap-on, the others conventional, dropped down in front of each of them. "It's several hundred miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, half a thread of sanity, it's the coming of the apocalypse... and we're wearing sunglasses?"

****

"Hit it," Hermione declared as she stomped on the accelerator, leaning out the window while Harry mimicked her on the other side.

****

Together the pair shouted, "CONFRINGO!" causing a massive section of the wall to explode outward, showing off a rather bumpy looking ramp up towards the sunny skies and shambling horde, many of which were now a fine past under the rubble. Inside the car, things seemed to have settled into something of a normal drive. Harry and Luna blasted anything that moved outside the car between giggles, and Hermione just drove like a maniac through the thinnest part of the horde until she could get some sky between her and the ground.

****

"You know, they don't call a Royale with Cheese a Royale with Cheese in the states, right?" Hermione asked as she flattened what had once been Cho Chang. It was satisfying to hear her head go 'squish'.

****

"They don't?" Harry asked belatedly after blowing away the remains of Percy Weasley. He actually had a special bullet for when he saw the remains of Ron.

****

"No, they don't have royalty there, so they call it something different," Hermione explained as she took out a line of Slytherin students, inadvertently sparing Draco being turned by killing him first.

****

"Haaarrrry... Get back here," Dumbledore's voice moaned, "You must attend Hogggggwarts..."

****

"CONFRINGO!" Hermione snapped in the direction of the voice, causing the venerable wizard to explode, taking out the other people around him.

****

Once they were safely airborne, Harry turned to Hermione with a curious expression on his face. "So if they don't call it a Royale with Cheese, what do they call it?"

****

"Oh, a quarter-pounder," Hermione finished with a cheeky smile on her face.

****

That smile faded when Harry asked, "What is a Royale with Cheese?" inadvertently pointing out just how isolated his life before Hogwarts had been.

****

"First time we see the Golden Arches, we stop for gas and food, even if we're good for the former," Hermione declared firmly. Far below, a man stood next to a frizzy brown haired woman and another man with slicked back black hair.

****

"So, why are we not rebooting it again?" The man asked the other one.

****

"Let's give them a happy ending... and what's more happy than the eradication of all the arseholes that made Harry's life miserable?" the other man answered with a chuckle as he turned to walk away. "Hey, can we get some food before we go? I've always wanted to try real British cuisine."

****

"And don't ask me to break another Delorean. It was annoying to break into that place." The woman snapped, "It's harder than finding something under a perception filter."

****

Both men laughed, the American dropping a circuit board into a trash bin as they passed it. Yes, a happy ending was best.

****

As they walked away, the American paused and looked at his companions. "Wait... who taught Hermione to drive again?"

****

"Oh, some bloke named Coop from Jersey," the woman answered with a smirk, "That's spoilers though. And they'll make it to New York before she crashes. That I will tell you for free."

****

"Well, good to know I suppose," the American said before turning towards the direction they'd been heading. "So... about that food?"

* * *

Author's Notes: That's it folks, the end... for now. Thank you to all my loyal readers and reviewers. There might be more coming up with the trio in America, but for now I'm focusing on other projects. For a sample, please leave "Grand Finale" in a review.


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